Lucifer · Season 1
Hm. You're in a good mood.
Well. The world will not be destroyed because I forgave myself. So I'd say that's a pretty darn good day for me and all mankind for that matter, so... you're welcome.
[trying to be discreet] So, um... it's all... totally gone? The red skin, the devil wings. No more flare-ups?
It's not hemorrhoids, Detective
[to Linda] Oh, enjoy your child. Have him ring me when he's old enough to go to strip clubs.
[Lucifer has been forced to assume his full Devil appearance to confront the dozens of attacking demons.]
[in demon voice] Now bow down... to your King. [All the demons obey, even a reluctant Dromos] You do not belong here. Go HOME !!
[All the demons leave their human hosts, causing all the bodies to collapse on the floor.]
[upset that Lucifer did't say goodbye to her] As far as I'm concerned, Lucifer can, well,... He can go to Hell.
Looks like we're gonna need to pay Doug a visit.
A guy like Doug's gonna--
Lawyer up?
First sign of police.
We need--
Leverage.
I know what you're thinking.
Might be the only way.
But what about--
It's dangerous.
Then what if we--
He'll see it coming.
[thinks, then smiles] I have an idea.
.... Absolutely not, Maze. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Fine! Fine! We'll do it your way.
Good.
Amenadiel, you gotta stop playing vigilante. You can't make citizen's arrests on jaywalkers and littering.
There was a sign. It was clearly forbidden.
The kid was three years old.
[Gromos, a Hell demon, possesses the corpse of a recently-deceased contract killer in front of Chloe.]
[coughing up blood] Oh, man. I'm so sorry. That's gross. Hey, are you the detective? I'm a demon, and Lord Lucifer sent me to give you a message about the case.
[softly] Lucifer. [to Gromos] How is he?
Uh, he's the King of Hell, so he's great.
Excuses! They're like arseholes. Everybody's got one, but nobody wants to hear it.
There must be something you're not telling us.
Not to speak ill of the dead, but Judy was a bit of a party pooper. We had about five books the entire time we were in there, and she managed to spoil the endings to all of them.
[imitating Lucifer's normal interrogation style] Yeah? What'd you do, bite the head off a bat? Stab her in her sorry space ass? Huh, Shar-ron?!
Actually, that was my husband that bit the head of a bat.
[shouting] Oh, come on! You're lying.
I apologize for my partner. That was very unprofessional.
It's quite all right. By the way, I never managed to thank you for all the things you did for Ozzy. From one Prince of Darkness to another, right? [laughs]
Yes. Well done.
[Maze attacks the man she believes is Lucifer, choking him with a leg lock.]
How could you? After everything we've been through, Lucifer, how could you go home without me?
[in an American accent] I'm not Lucifer! I'm not Lucifer! I'm not Lucifer!
[Maze releases him and stands up.]
Lucifer told me he had a twin brother.
And you are Mazikeen. Nice to meet you. I'm Michael.
[Ella abruptly waking up from a nap in her lab.]
Aragorn, that's not your sword. [to Chloe and Michael, embarrassed] I'm.. I'm totally awake. I'm awake.
[after shooting Michael in the thigh] Once, I shot Lucifer to prove he was the Devil, and now I'm shooting you to prove you're not. [Michael raises his hand and reveals he is not wounded.]
[Chloe shoots Michael in the chest, to no effect.]
Ow! You know that won't kill me.
[Chloe shoots him again.]
Yeah, but it makes me feel better. [shoots him again]
My slopey-shouldered brother is pulling a prank hardly worthy of Saved by the Bell in order to humiliate me.
This isn't about you, Luci. Michael's threatened Charlie's safety.
Oh, please. Michael needles peoples fears. It's what he does. But we also know he's all bark and no bite. Don't you remember, growing up? He'd get under your skin with one of his schemes, then you'd give him one of your atomic wedgies, and that'd be that.
I don't think a wedgie's gonna do it this time.
[regarding Michael] Every word that comes out of that admittedly dashing face is a lie.
Oh, well, that's a relief, because he said something so insane, I, well, obviously knew it had to be a lie.
[groans] Did he claim he's friends with Elvis? 'Cause, for one, the King's still alive and I'm the only one who knows where.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Lucifer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
