Leverage Season 1 quotes

Eliot

I got your turpentine, got your, uh, walnut oil, by the way, which I purchased from a very stunning vegan chick, so thank you for that, a bucket of soot...it's everywhere.

Ah hah, thanks, E. Way to get your hands dirty.

Eliot

[picks up a rag and starts to clean his hands] Thank you.

Hey, put that down man, that's my paper.

Eliot

It's a rag.

No, that's what printers used to make paper back in the 1700's. Use a moist towelette, please and thank you.

Eliot

What's that smell?

...You don't wanna know how they wet the paper back in the day.

Eliot

[grabbing lots of moist towelettes] Did you--

Do not ask me, man.

Eliot

Dammit, Hardison!

I've hacked history! I've hacked history, people!

Did you take care of the auctioneer?

Parker

Yeah. Sophie told me to find out his deepest wish and give it to him, but I thought that would take way too long so...

Parker

[to the auctioneer] Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? [presses the rag in his face until he goes unconscious.]

Parker

What? He's going to wake up in like 3 hours.

Eliot

You want me to stall them? They're former British paratroopers.

How do you--

Eliot

Haircuts, all right? It's a very distinctive haircut.

Parker

Great. Let's get him.

There's a problem. Struck a deal with the Feds. He's protected.

What are you-- What-- What's the smile? What are you smiling at? What is that?

Sophie

Ah, oh no. No, no, no.

Oh, yeah. Let's go steal a federal witness.

Sophie

You watch hockey fights, alone, at night, in your room?

Eliot

Yeah. You never know if you're gonna have to fight a guy on ice.

All right, so when his partying gets him into hot water, who does he call?

Parker

Ghostbusters!

Eliot

Again?

Eliot

All right, Nate, the guy in the bed with the dead hooker con is up and running.

Hey, man, it's called the Vegas Wake-Up Call.

Eliot

No, it's not, all right? In the Vegas Wake-Up Call, the boyfriend shows up.

No, he doesn't!

Sophie

So. It's the lawyer, the prosecutor, the deal, and the dead girl in the bed. It's the Cuban Sandwich.

Parker

[after she tasers the mark] I am really starting to enjoy tasing people. Is that a problem?

Parker

Okay, bad enough it's Christmas and there's no snow on the ground, but this is Santa we're talking about, okay? We can't turn away Santa!

You know that's not really Santa, right?

Parker

Obviously. Santa lives at the North Pole.

I want a Rubbery Robby!

Eliot

You're gonna get a Sammy spanking, you don't get off my lap.

Parker

You're Santa! Respect the suit!

Sophie

Who is this?

Hello, Sophie. It's the Grinch who stole Christmas.

Sophie

Cha0s.

Long time, no try to kill you.

The plan is... to figure out the plan in the car.