Eliot quotes from Leverage

Eliot

That was the worst night of my life.

Come on man, you've been in worse situations!

Eliot

No. No, that was the worst.

Parker

That's Saint Nicholas?

Yes.

Parker

Santa Claus has a church?

Eliot

[irritated] It's not Santa Claus!

Hardison, can you make the statue cry without melting Saint Nick's head?

Parker

Don't melt Santa!

It's not Santa!

I don't do gangs.

Eliot

Come on. We got some fresh air. Get off the computer.

I rappel.

Eliot

Come on!

Did no one see me rappel?

Sophie

Oh, I heard about it.

Eliot

You seeing this, Hardison?

Yeah, uh, the situation has my attention, yes.

Eliot

You see, this is why I don't like guns. They have a specific range of efficacy. You see, most guys will make one mistake. They get too close.

You got a number?

Eliot

Can you do something with that?

Seven digits? I can find you on Mars.

How about that, baby! You see me?

Eliot

He was injured!

Well, somebody got to fight the injured. Shoot, that's my niche.

I'm not crazy about heights. Or enclosed spaces. [takes some pills]

Sophie

What is that you just took?

Xanax. For my nerves.

Parker

Actually, caffeine. With a dash of dextroamphetamine.

Eliot

You gave him speed?

He beat up a priest.

Eliot

I got to be honest with you. We’re gonna need a miracle to save this church.

So let's, uh, go steal ourselves a miracle.

So the Catholic church defines a miracle as the work of God, usually through the prayers and intercessions of a saint, for some specific purpose, frequently the conversion of the unbelieving.

Eliot

How do you know all this stuff?

I went to school with Father Paul. To, uh...seminary school.

Eliot

So you dropped out of priest school to become an insurance cop. Now you're a leader of a band of thieves. Nice.

You're…you're a Catholic who wants to fake a miracle. I'm pretty sure that puts us in mortal sin territory.

Eliot

So wait, wait. Now you're religious too?

No, no, I'm not denominational. It's just, I never do anything my Nana says don't do.

Eliot

What are you, 10 feet from there? How can you miss that? You’re standing right here.

Everybody can't be Eliot.

Eliot

Unbelievable.

Shut up. Shut up.

Parker

Whoa. That’s a lot of public.

I’m very good.

Eliot

Yeah. A little too good.

Sophie

What did we just do?

The weeping statue of St. Nick is on YouTube.

Eliot

Good. This church will never shut down.

Sophie

There’s just so many people here. I mean, what if they find out it's a...fake?

Hell fire, damnation, et cetera. You know what? I’m gonna step over here, so when the good lord throws down on all of y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning.

Parker

Wasn’t Zeus the one with the lightning?

Eliot

Tell me what's going on in there.

I'm afraid I can't do that, this is an active crime scene, and you need to--

Eliot

[to cop] I'm not talking to you. [to Nate] How many are there?

Yeah, you're right. Clearly amateurs, these two. Yeah. The younger one, looks like he's never handled a gun before.

Eliot

Is Judge Blow-Hard next to you?

Yeah, uh-huh. Yeah, definitely amateurs, That's what makes them so dangerous.

Eliot

Alright, 2 guys, both armed, neither one a criminal mastermind. You want me in there?

Sir, we can't have you going inside the bank...

Probably, uh, a good idea just to sit tight, don't you think? You know, and see where these guys' heads are at, you know?

Eliot

Alright, your call, boss.

Thank you.

We actually have bigger problems.

Eliot

What's that?

Well, Sheriff Coltrane over here called the FBI, the real FBI. Now the closest office is in San Diego, so they should be here in about, um, give it 45 minutes.

We can't worry about that now.

When do we worry about it?

In about 45 minutes.

They haven't arrived yet?

Eliot

Yeah. 'Cause meth-heads are so punctual.

Who are you?

Eliot

Well, ma'am, we'd be the cavalry.