Parker quotes from Leverage

Parker

I think I have a fever. Can I be excused from this one?

Sophie

Oh. Come here. Let me feel your head.

No, don't -- don't feel her. Why do you--what--what's the deal? W-what we--

Parker

I once saw a horse kill a clown. I just really don't like horses.

Parker

Is it true Sterling spent three days in the trunk of a car waiting to catch someone?

No, no.

Sophie

It was five.

Parker

What?

Sophie

Look, I'm not saying that he's better than you were, but--

"Were"? Wh-I-I'm sorry.

Electronic locks, electronic throttle, power steering, keyless entry...uh, you know what runs all that?

Parker

Computers?

Oh, yeah.

Sterling

Hello? Police? Listen, I'm at the racetrack. Yeah, I just passed a black van. I can't be sure, but I think I heard screaming from inside. And there is blood, like, all over the back of the doors. Sure, yeah, they could have had guns. Who knows? Yeah, a black van. Yeah, sure. I'll hold.

Parker

How did--he's like Nate. Evil Nate!

Parker

[Crawling through an air duct] Looks like Parker's gonna have to crawl through the air duct again. God forbid anyone else would have to learn how to frickin' crawl on their stomach through a tiny space. It's not rocket science, people.

Eliot

[on comms, from the truck] Parker, you realize that we can still hear you?

Parker

Aimee...I've found Kentucky Thunder. He's a really, really big horse.

Aimee

Oh, I'm so sorry. Uh, yeah, sometimes they keep him in there before he gets teased.

Parker

I don't want to be in a stall with a horse that's about to be teased!

See, you're not dead, good.

Parker

Don't be silly. Horses are much less murderous than I originally thought.

Eliot

Hey. Sophie's here. What do I tell her?

Anything but the truth.

Sophie

Hey.

Eliot

Hey.

Sophie

Thank you so much for coming to my play last night.

Eliot

Oh.

Parker

Last night was awesome.

Sophie

Thanks, Parker.

Parker

Yeah, it was like a horror movie. Attention must be paaiidd.

Parker

That's Saint Nicholas?

Yes.

Parker

Santa Claus has a church?

Eliot

[irritated] It's not Santa Claus!

Hardison, can you make the statue cry without melting Saint Nick's head?

Parker

Don't melt Santa!

It's not Santa!

I'm not crazy about heights. Or enclosed spaces. [takes some pills]

Sophie

What is that you just took?

Xanax. For my nerves.

Parker

Actually, caffeine. With a dash of dextroamphetamine.

Eliot

You gave him speed?

He beat up a priest.

Parker

Whoa. That’s a lot of public.

I’m very good.

Eliot

Yeah. A little too good.

Sophie

What did we just do?

The weeping statue of St. Nick is on YouTube.

Eliot

Good. This church will never shut down.

Sophie

There’s just so many people here. I mean, what if they find out it's a...fake?

Hell fire, damnation, et cetera. You know what? I’m gonna step over here, so when the good lord throws down on all of y'all, I don't get hit by the lightning.

Parker

Wasn’t Zeus the one with the lightning?

Parker

It's like Christmas! See, I told you Saint Nicholas is Santa Claus.

Sophie

No, he's not, Parker.

Parker

Well, who is he then?

Sophie

Saint Nicholas? [smiles] He's the patron saint of thieves.

You know, I had to retask two satellites just to get a lousy internet connection. Took more than an hour to torrent the last episode of Doctor Who.

Parker

Hey! Illegal downloading's wrong. [lights the contents of a trash can on fire]

Get out. Now.

Is he talking to us?

Parker

An unmarked van parked across the street from a bank that's being robbed? Yeah. I think he's talking to us.

Yeah, well, five more feet and he would have been in the clear. What the hell was he thinking?

Parker

Don't be an idiot, Hardison.

What?

Parker

Sophie was still in there.

Parker

It's embarrassing. Everyone knows you don't rob a bank without an exit strategy. These two deserve to get caught. 42 seconds.

What?

Parker

To rob this bank. One security guard who has never fired his gun before, two closed-circuit cameras outside, one inside, and a Glen-Reader safe built in the 50's whose default combination is the birth date of the manager's wife! Get in, get out, 42 seconds.

Seriously?

Whoa, what's going on?

Cut power to the bank. Standard operating procedure.

Standard...it's standard op... it's standard? Where are you getting that bull-hockey from, son?

Deputy Arnold, he took a seminar in crisis management last year.

It was an online seminar. We got certificates.

Certificates? Magic kits come with certificates. Does that make it cool for kids to saw their parents in half?

We're just going by the book.

The…the book? The book got a good man killed. I can't…my blood pressure…

Parker

Ex-partner. Probably shouldn't mention the book again. Or propellers.