Hardison quotes from Leverage

Parker

[throws envelope on the table] This isn't for me. It's addressed to somebody named Alice White.

You are Alice White. It's one of the aliases I made for you: vegetarian, bookkeeper. She had a pretty wild time at her sister's wedding in Phoenix. You should check out her Facebook page.

Parker

Alice White has jury duty.

Damn, I am good.

Parker

Yeah, congratulations. Alice thanks you for getting her out of it.

No. No. Jury duty. A place where you have to follow instructions.

Sophie

Where you have to consider other people's point of view.

Eliot

There's gonna be normal people there, Nate.

No, no, no. You're not getting out of this. Alice White is reporting for jury duty.

Sophie

I think it's funny. You know, it reminds me a bit of rugby, except, well, you Americans, you wear the helmets and the pads and everything so you don't get hurt.

Oh, you didn't.

Sophie

What?

Parker

I think there's something dirty going on with this trial and the woman who lost her husband's gonna get hurt even worse, and that we should, um, you know, get involved.

Involved? What--what do you--

Parker

No, no, no. No, no, no. You don't understand. They had hidden cameras, and the lawyers had comms like our comms.

First, move! Second, nobody has our comms.

Parker, listen, there is not some evil conspiracy lurking behind the curtain of every routine civic activity.

I make our comms. Me. I make 'em. Ain't nobody got our comms, do what I do.

Now, what's happening is, you're on a boring jury trial. Okay? Now, could you... [Parker storms off] Parker! Just...

Eliot

It's your turn to be in the dumpster.

No, man, no. I-I have-I have peanut allergies. What if somebody threw in some extra crunchy Skippy? Then, you know, it's just a [wheezing] all up in my vocal area, man. Do you want to give me mouth-to-mouth? No, none of us want that. Hell no.

Eliot

Heads up.

I literally cannot make this slower or any more boring. Okay? You know why they say Justice wears a blindfold? So you can't see that Justice is asleep.

I am sure there's reservoirs of boring you have yet to plumb.

Slide 162, this is, this is good stuff. Dr. Goldferb, hi, can you tell us how the chemicals work their way into the neurotransmitters?

Is this going anywhere, counsel?

Oh, I assure you, Your Honor, the next 100 slides are essential.

Parker

What are we supposed to do now?

We win the trial.

Wha—I'm sorry, the impossible trial? The trial that can't be won?

Yep. That one.

I'm-I'm sorry.

For what?

Me. You deserve better.

You're the best lawyer we ever had. Thank you so much.

Did you realize what you just did? What you did? You won a jury trial without cheating.

Without chea--I hacked a government no-fly list and used it to humiliate a witness.

Excessively. "Cheating excessively" is what I meant. But, I mean, think about it, I mean, if you applied yourself, Hardison, you could be anything you want.

You know what? I could. I could. You know, next week, I think I’m gonna be an astronaut.

Well, that's not really what I meant. I meant if you studied, you’d--

Yeah, if I--Who needs to study? You know, I’m gonna be a surgeon. A surgeon--ER. Surgeon.

Are we still unclear? I'm a functioning alcoholic, you know? And the trick is not to get hung up on the "alcoholic." But celebrate the "functioning" part of the sentence.

Eliot

You're getting worse.

This--this is messing you up, man.

Parker

[reading from a notepad] We can't keep watching you do this to yourself.

Is this my intervention?

Man, am I glad I don't have to break in there. That is one sick security system.

Parker

What, with our tools? Give me three days of prep, it'd be like taking diamonds from the French National Bank. That's like taking candy from a baby.

I got it.

Parker

A very easy thing to do.

Got...it.

Parker

Oh, look, little buddy. [picks up fake statue] That's your new home!

Can you please not play with the little naked man? Please.

Parker

I'm not. [sets the statue down]

No, no, Nate. We haven't done any prep, we don't have our tools.

Parker

You want me to break into a secure storage facility with whatever I can scrounge up the buffet table?

Pretty much. Yep.

Parker

[Smiling] Cool.

Parker

We should pretend to make out.

Make what?

Let's talk about-- A little bit--

You, uh, bumped the door there. Sets the alarm off.

You know what?

Parker

Oh.

We, you know how it is.

Parker

Sorry.

You did not just think about this on the way in from the van.

Parker

Some people do crosswords.

Wha-you-- Don't throw the David.

Parker

You caught it, didn't you?

You're crazy.