Coach quotes from Letterkenny

Coach

Reilly. Jonesy. You guys been gettin' a lot of ice time?

Reilly

Well, actually…

Coach

I'm just kiddin', I don't give a fuck. I stepped down from your old junior team. Turns out the senior team needed a new bench boss. Real work to be done here. Real men. Turns out you guys have been havin' a bit of a cake walk up here, huh? Is that right, Reilly? Eh, a little angel cake? A little angel food cake with a top glaze? Huh? Have your mom mix up the egg whites and the vanilla? Huh? Have your mom cut it with a knife or a small spatula through the batter releasing air bubbles and bake? Light as air? Huh? Virtually fat-free? Fuck you, pheasant!

Jonesy

Come on, man.

Coach

Oh, Jonesy's got something to say. What kind of cake are you walkin', huh? A little Lady Baltimore? Huh? A little date and walnut loaf? A little Napoleonshatte?

Reilly

Coach, it's not that we're...

Coach

Cake walk's over, all right, Johnny Cheechoo and Chuck Huddy? Gonna have the boys tossing up sueys up the middle all night, just tossing up hot suey sauce? You know why? 'Cause you've been skipped leg day! You think you can skirt legs and crack the Czech Extraliga? Huh? You couldn't even crack the HockeyAllsvenska, let alone the Deutsche Eishockey Liga! Fuck! You plugs are gonna learn some jam. It is fuckin' embarrassing!

Your wardrobe colour scheme looks like a bi-polar spell! Get those cocksuckers off your feet!

Coach

Pardon?

The ankle socks, you fuckin' sally. How does your wife let you leave the house lookin' like that, huh?

Coach

My wife died three years ago.

Yeah, well, one look at you and it's clear she's in a better place now, you fuckin' asshole!

Coach

I'm used to you two embarrassing me. I go to bed at night, fucking embarrassing. I get up in the morning, fucking embarrassing. The only time you two have ever humiliated me is when you started spelling. Now, please tell me you put in the work this year.

Reilly

We always put in the work, coach.

Jonesy

We never wanna let you down, or the boys.

Reilly

But we've been upfront about being dogshit spellers from get go, so

Jonesy

We're trying our best, but we're math guys, Coach.

Coach

Don't fucking bullshit me.

Reilly

Okay, if it were a Chel'ing Bee.

Jonesy

I mean, dogshit spellers, unreal Chel'lers.