John Munch quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Fin

[to Munch] I told you you should've left that mutt in the car.

Munch

You know how many dogs die in locked cars every year?

Fin

You know how many cops shoot their partner and get off on a justifiable?

Munch

There's a fine line between the right to privacy and prevention.

Benson

People have a right to know if they've been exposed to HIV.

Munch

Yeah, I just get a little nervous when the government starts drawing up lists.

Fin

Please don't get him started. He goes off on black helicopters and we'll be here all night.

So, what's this conspiracy that you're charging me with?

Munch

Facilitating the rape of children in foreign countries.

There's no state law against that.

Stabler

Federal law. We turn our tape over to the U.S. Attorney, you're toast.

Federal statutes require proof of a sex act. That means they need a victim. Where they gonna find one?

Munch

No wonder this guy doesn't need a lawyer. He's got the law memorized with all his other NAMBLA buddies.

NAMBLA? I'm not one of those freaks.

Stabler

How many boys they pass around to you?

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Stabler

You think I am some dumb cop?

I had nothin' to...

Munch

Elliot!

Stabler

Think you're smarter than me?!

I need a doctor!

Stabler

You're gonna need a morgue, pal! You are nothing but a lowlife pimp who sells children. You sent Bret Jansen on a sex tour. Him and a friend made a video doin' a 10-year-old boy.

Friend? I don't know about any friend.

Munch

Yeah, right, just like you didn't know your customers have been smuggling back little sex toys of their own.

Listen, Jansen and Lynch did that on their own. I had nothin' to do with it!

Stabler

You got nothin' to do with anything, do you? How 'bout sex tours? Do you know anything about them? Huh? Do you book sex tours?!

Yes! Yes!

Stabler

How many do you book?

Couple dozen. Over the years.

Stabler

Yeah? Just a couple dozen?

I swear, I'm not one of them! I was just in it for the money!

Stabler

Which the Feds are gonna take away from you while you're sittin' on death row for slicin' up Bret Jansen.

What?! I had nothin' to do with that!

Munch

That's funny, because somebody did to him exactly what he joked about doin' to you.

That rat bastard.

Munch

Gotta be more specific. There's a lot of 'em running around in this case.

Lynch! I told him about Jansen's joke that he was gonna cut my balls off. He's using it to set me up!

Stabler

Why would he wanna kill Jansen?

Because Lynch handpicked José for Jansen. Then Jansen called Lynch, said he wanted his money back when José and Ernesto escaped.

Munch

When's the last time you spoke to Lynch?

Before Jansen was killed. Lynch called, said he wanted to know why the video of his trip hadn't arrived yet. I told him it was on its way. [pants] Make me a deal. Make me a deal, and I will give you Lynch on a silver platter.

Munch

Excuse me if I’m alarmed by the total disregard for human rights in this country.

Fin

If you got a problem with it, why don’t you get your bony ass outta here?

What if it was your daughter? What would you have done?

Munch

Whatever I could.

Munch

Both parole officers claim they're squeaky clean.

Stabler

Squeaky clean sex offender, now that's a new one.

Fin

[about Dr. Lang's practice] Sounds like the lunatic fringe of medicine.

Munch

It makes you feel good. What's wrong with that?

Fin

That's the same excuse people use to get high. The doc's nothing more than a dealer with a license.

Munch

What he's doing is perfectly legal.

Fin

Don't tell me you're thinking about taking his stuff.

Munch

I've considered it. Why shouldn't I add some lean muscle to what you so lovingly call my bony ass?

Munch

One of the perps was a 6-foot tall white man. Makes you a viable suspect.

This is bull!

Fin

No, that's racial profiling. Sucks, don’t it?

Benson

I've got a psychic who says she can channel Annika for the right price.

Munch

Let me guess. She's in a cold, dark place near a body of water.

Fin

Okay, you live like a monk, how come somebody wouldn't have any pictures or nick-nacs around?

Munch

Some of us appreciate simplicity, others of us lost the nick-nacs in the divorce settlement.

Munch

If an overbearing mother and a distant father cause homosexuality, how come I'm not gay?

Fin

Maybe you're in denial.

Munch

That would explain a lot.

Munch

He could've been the member of some cult. In ancient Rome, priests of the goddess Cybele would castrate themselves to achieve divine status.

Fin

How d'you know that?

Munch

The Internet.

Whatever this is, let's be careful not to say Muslim men like to burn their wives.

Munch

No. If they want to burn people, they fly an airplane full of gasoline into an office building.

Dr. Huang

Excuse me, but they were extremists.

Munch

Sorry. But my next door neighbor's Iranian. At airports, even he's scared when he sees Middle Eastern passports. I mean, let's get real. People know it's wrong, but they think it anyway.

Munch

Dodge ball?! Haven't they outlawed this barbaric practice yet?

Fin

I loved this game.

Munch

Yeah, well, you were a sadist. You know, I literally weighed 98 pounds. I can still hear them, "Break the pencil!" I was a walking bruise.

Why do you care if I live or die?

Munch

Because my father killed himself. When I was a kid... I thought it was my fault. The night before he blew his brains out, he punished me for being a wise-ass. I told him I hated his guts. Those were the last words I ever said to him... It haunts me to this day. You're the only person I've ever told.

Why me?

Munch

Because we're the same. I feel guilty; my father was suffering, I couldn't help him. You feel guilty, because of what you did to Christina. Please. I don't want you to die.