Carl Kolchak quotes from Kolchak: The Night Stalker

Carl Kolchak

Businessman? What businessman keeps a mummy in the basement and a dummy in a key staff position?

Tony Vincenzo

Carl, you yourself said that the mummy vanished, right?

Carl Kolchak

Yeah.

Tony Vincenzo

You had a terrible hit on the head, and you saw things. And as for having dummies in key staff positions, I'm as guilty as the next.

Tony Vincenzo

It says here the Andrews family changed their name from Arguello. And they're from Jalisco, and the hotel chain started in Veracruz.

Carl Kolchak

It's Ha-lisco, Tony, not Ja-lisco.

Tony Vincenzo

Oh, excuse me, Jose. I don't care if they came from Hersey City, New Hersey! There are Mexicans there too, but none of them are Aztecs.

Carl Kolchak

What is important is that it takes 420 pounds pressure - psi. - to crush a telephone. Now, it says right here that a medieval knight in full armor and in full weaponry weighs well over 400 pounds.

Tony Vincenzo

Oh, I feel much better. All my life I wanted to know that a medieval knight could crush a telephone.

He was stabbed.

Carl Kolchak

Stabbed?

[Makes a stabbing motion toward his chest] You know.

Carl Kolchak

Yes, of course. But... stabbed by what?

Fair question. Something round and sharp. I'd say, a structural facsimile to an ice pick.

Carl Kolchak

Ice pick.

There is, however, one disconcerting wrinkle to that premise. This particular instrument would have to have a three-inch diameter.

Carl Kolchak

Then it isn't an ice pick!

All right, I'll buy that. I can buy a direct question, and I respect you for it.

Carl Kolchak

[totally confused] Thank you, Captain.

You're Kolchak?

Carl Kolchak

Yeah, that's right.

You're the one the precinct captains are always talking about?

Carl Kolchak

What do they say?

That you're a pinwheel.

Tony Vincenzo

Carl, do you mind if I read the copy? After all, I am the bureau chief here.

Carl Kolchak

Yes, absolutely, Tony. Absolutely. Tomorrow morning, first thing, I'll spitball a few ideas at cha.

Tony Vincenzo

Spitballing a few ideas is when you start a feature, not when you're polishing it.

Carl Kolchak

No, no. That's the way I work, Tony. See, I spit and polish at the same time.

Carl Kolchak

Now, if you can help me, I, uh, I can make it worth your while.

How do you know how much my while is worth?

Carl Kolchak

[picking up phone] Kolchak.

Hi, Carl. I just thought you'd like to know I heard the Parkway Hospital was knocked over.

Carl Kolchak

Yeah? Knocked over for what? Cash, drugs, equipment, what? [shocked reaction to the response] Blood?

That's right. Every container in the place. Their entire stock.

Carl Kolchak

What about blood type?

Seems blood type and Rh factor didn't much matter.

[after a disastrously failed capture attempt of Skorzeny] Well, what are we gonna do?

Carl Kolchak

[from the back of the room] Now are you willing to listen to my insane ideas?

[angrily] Kolchak, get out of here!

Warren, hold it, hold it! Kolchak, you were there, weren't you?

Carl Kolchak

Yes.

Every man we've questioned insists not only that Skorzeny was possessed of incredible strength, but that he was shot more than once during the capture attempt.

Carl Kolchak

Oh, I'd say thirty or forty times.

I'm sorry, I'm not buying that.

Carl Kolchak

Captain, you have two choices. Either he was shot, or your entire police department is blind.

Ed, let's admit it. We had the man, had him cornered, and we couldn't hold him. Let Kolchak have his say.

I'm sorry, Captain Schubert is very busy, you can't go in there.

Carl Kolchak

Yeah, well, I gotta see him.

I said you cannot go in there!

Carl Kolchak

I'm going in there, sweetheart.

What's going on here?

I told him you were busy, sir.

Carl Kolchak

I've been trying to see you since one-thirty this morning, and I'm not gonna leave until I do.

It's all right, Sheila.

I'm sorry, sir.

It's all right, Sheila.

Carl Kolchak

[shouting to Louise as she heads off in a small boat] You know there's been a murder, don't you?

I also know Seattle is the Northwest's largest seaport. Men come and go with the tide. The murderer is probably in Yokohama by now. Bye!