“The Knightly Murders” quotes from Kolchak: The Night Stalker

Carl Kolchak

[voiceover] Tuesday, 11:15 pm. If you know anything about Chicago politics, you'll understand why a 63-year-old ward captain was braving the ungentle hour and the less-gentle streets. You see, Ward Captain Leo J. Ramutka was returning hone from a wake: an Auf Wiedersehen to a loyal, registered voter he knew would one day meet him at that great polling station in the sky. What Ward Captain Ramutaka failed to foresee was how soon that meeting would be.

But a knight - in armor? Make me believe that, Carl, because if I find you're shooting me through the grease, it'll have a definite detrimental effect on how we interface with each other.

[to Kolchak] You are a man who has resorted to lies and chicanery to the point of being pathological. I believe that you suffer from autosuggestion; and, in an obsessive desire to win approval expressed through the need for a big story, you convince yourself that what you want to be true *is* true. In short... I believe your brain has turned to onion dip.

Carl Kolchak

What is important is that it takes 420 pounds pressure - psi. - to crush a telephone. Now, it says right here that a medieval knight in full armor and in full weaponry weighs well over 400 pounds.

Tony Vincenzo

Oh, I feel much better. All my life I wanted to know that a medieval knight could crush a telephone.

He was stabbed.

Carl Kolchak

Stabbed?

[Makes a stabbing motion toward his chest] You know.

Carl Kolchak

Yes, of course. But... stabbed by what?

Fair question. Something round and sharp. I'd say, a structural facsimile to an ice pick.

Carl Kolchak

Ice pick.

There is, however, one disconcerting wrinkle to that premise. This particular instrument would have to have a three-inch diameter.

Carl Kolchak

Then it isn't an ice pick!

All right, I'll buy that. I can buy a direct question, and I respect you for it.

Carl Kolchak

[totally confused] Thank you, Captain.