Kitchen Nightmares Season 1 quotes

What are these? (to Vic) Vic?

Yes, chef?

These are fresh chives. Sell-by date, five months old.

Where'd you find that?

I found it in the fucking fridge. Smell it.

Vic, look, let me just show you something.

What is that? Stop getting nervous now. Talk to me. What is this?

That's the fish we're using.

That's the fish you're using? Oh, fuck me.

While the family cools off, Chef Ramsay heads to the kitchen to come up with a game plan to fix the restaurant's biggest plan — the food.

Oh my God. What in the fuck is that? That is a fucking joke.

I wanted us all to get involved, and doing something together, yeah? I wanted a fun element. You (Patti) make a burrito, you (Yolanda) make a burrito, you (Vic) make a burrito, and the best one goes on the menu tonight. That's what I wanted to do. I couldn't do it, because of these little fuckers here. LOOK AT THEM!

Oh, my god! (interview) I feel sick to my stomach. I want to throw up, because I had coffee here earlier, and I don't know if the roach went through my cup.

I didn't know about this problem either.

Two dishwashers, two prep cooks. Who's cleaning around here? Do they seriously put food on those plates?

(interview) Vic's here seven days a week. I don't know how he didn't realize the problems in the kitchen.

Can't you see these? I'm trying to move forward, I'm trying to get going, but every time I put my foot on the ladder, I get knocked back. Did you know this was like this?

I noticed, I noticed, but, uh...

You knew it?

Yeah.

We're going to have to do something! We cannot open, we need an exterminator. How can I start even attempting to think of a new menu when the place is festering with cockroaches?!

(interview) I didn't expect this. I don't think it could get worse, I don't even know what could make it worse at this point.

After Chef Ramsay's dirty discovery, he immediately called in an exterminator.

I had no idea it was that bad.

Bloody hell. I'm pulling my hair out now. I'm sorry, but you're running the place.

Sorry.

Vic, this is stupid.

Where do I go, Vic?

Sorry.

(interview) I'm embarrassed with Chef Ramsay. I don't think that I uh... we can make it a good restaurant.

You can't run a fucking restaurant like that!

You think I'm mad? I'm fucking embarrassed now.

You should be fucking embarrassed. I'm not putting one foot in that place until that place is fucking cleaned, yes?

You're right.

Now you start getting those guys cleaning, yes?

Definitely.

Put some fucking pride! Do you understand the word pride?!

Yes.

It's not possible for someone to have his head so far up his asshole. Fuck me.

Service, please! Pass it over.

What's those black bits, coming from the...?

From the top.

The top of the broiler? Jesus Christ almighty. When was the last time the broiler was cleaned?

The chefs, now, they are crazy, you know.

But this place is half-full. What are you going to do when it's crowded, and there's people waiting outside?

This is unbelievable! What the fuck's happening?! When was the broiler cleaned last, gentlemen? If he fucking tells me Friday one more time, I'll boil him!

Every Sunday, they say.

Every Sunday? My fucking arse!

This is out of control. I mean, you've got your food, you've got your food.

Yep.

I've got four chefs who can't cook fucking rice, and soot all over the food. What is going on?! Fuck me. You're supposed to put salt on the food, not fucking soot!

(to Vic) You can't employ these guys! One can't clean, one can't cook rice.

(interview) I never imagined how bad this restaurant was doing. I don't know what else could happen.

(leaves the kitchen) I cannot come to terms with what the fuck is happening!

What is that?

Un-duck. It's... duck. But it's un-duck. Fake duck.

Fake duck? So you call it... what?

We call it un-duck.

Un-duck? Right now I feel like I'm getting completely fucked. Is that popular?

Yeah, it is, actually. A lot of people ask for that, too.

Un-duck... fucked up... [as he reaches in and pulls out more "meat"]

That's fake fish.

Fake fish? [sniffs, laughs and slides a hand under his collar]

It looks like fish, it tastes like fish, and it's got seaweed on the outside.

[to audience] We have everything that's "un".

This is incredible. So far I've had un-duck, un-fish... un-fucking-believable. What a mess.

I thought people got pushed into a mortuary on trolleys, no? Not serving food.

I feel like I'm drinking more than I'm eating.

I think they got to catch the shrimp first.

Eduardo, no wonder you've grown so old. You've aged waiting for the last main course. [Eduardo and the other servers laugh]

What are these up here for? They're not even in season, asparagus, are they?

No. Not right now, they're very expensive.

They're very expensive, so why have you got them on?

They're veggie of the day.

Veggie of the day? Aren't you bothered about the cost?

It comes from a different part of the world, Chef. We can get it.

'It comes from a different part of the world'? [to the sous-chef] Are you listening to this?! [to Pinto] It's the most expensive vegetable on the market. You want that?! And it's out of season! And you just put them on four dishes!

You just served me three-week-old frozen potato skins that have no potato inside. I feel like I'm a potato organ donor.

Adele, what do you think?

(Shaking her head) I don't like it.

You don't like it?

I hate blue.

Unbelievable.

I'm dumbfounded. I don't think I have ever heard anyone say they hate the color blue!

I hate it.

You hate it?

Hate it. How can you be positive about something you hate? Ugly. I wanna throw up. I hate it! Hate, hate, hate. Oh my God.

Is that normal? The Amazing Bazzini's Risotto. Woohoo! (twirls the plate around) Wow, that's extraordinary, no? Doesn't even move.

If this restaurant closes, the last thing I wanna do is work for some idiot somewhere else. I hate idiots.

(about Andy) This is unbelievable, because there’s a lot of similarities between Andy and I. We’re both English and we both studied in Paris, but there’s one thing we don’t share in common: I care about my customers. He clearly doesn’t give a shit. What a shame.

I’m a loser, everybody. I’m the worst.