[to the "Boost for Birdsburg" conventioneers] Will it redound to the good name of Birdsburg, gentlemen, if it is printed in every newspaper in the land that you, the town's representatives, were mousetrapped by a pair of suede-shoe feather merchants?
S3 E2The Full House
S3 E3Introduction on Broadway
[On casting the role of the butler in the play Ask Dad!]
GCGeorge Caffyn
Now look, I know it's a small part, but we're really looking for an Englishman to play it.
No, I played Brutus at school once, and I was the one everybody stabbed.
AWAlexander Worple
It's always a pleasure to meet another jute man. I love jute. You see this model of a yellow-bellied sapsucker? Made entirely from jute.
[softly] Good Lord. Huh!
AWAlexander Worple
This entire edifice you see around you... built on jute!
Really? [stomps on floor, testing its durability, as he looks around room] Pretty useful stuff, then.
I am familiar with the name Bassington-Bassington, sir. There are the Shropshire Bassington-Bassingtons, the Hampshire Bassington-Bassingtons, and of course the Kent Bassington-Bassingtons.
Ah. So the world's pretty well stocked up on Bassington-Bassingtons, then?
Tolerably so, sir.
No chance of a sudden shortage, I mean, huh?
Presumably not, sir.
[Bertie's postcards as he travels across America with the cast of Ask Dad!]
Well, we're off on our travels, Jeeves. Blasted tricky business, what they call "hunting" in these parts; they do it without horses. Managed to wing a forest ranger the other day, however. The show's a sellout everywhere. My log cabin marked with an X. [...] Westward, ever westward, Jeeves. We're all having a whale of a time, especially Cyril Bassington-Bassington. My sleeping-car marked with an X.... Show doing famously, Jeeves. I must say the horses out here are rather excitable. The local lads are pretty excitable, too. I've had to buy a few new clothes, I'm afraid, but I'm sure you'll approve. My bunkhouse marked with an X. [...] This card shows a picture of the Rockies, Jeeves. They're mountains, as you can see. And dashed rocky they are, too. My rock marked with an X.... This is the life, Jeeves. Not a fish in sight and boots slowly filling with ice water. I did catch a couple of trout the other day. One of them looked exactly like Oofy Prosser. Don't suppose the Oofys hail from Montana, do you? My teepee marked with an X.... I've now seen Ask Dad! six billion and blasted two times, Jeeves — or is it six billion and blasted three? — and still no blasted sign of a blasted Broadway theater. My seat in the blasted orchestra stalls marked with a blasted X. [...] P.S.: I really think I might leave the show and totter home soon.
Well, what do you think?
I only hope the poor creature died a peaceful death, sir.
What? Oh, the coat, yes. It is rather snazzy, isn't it? No, I was referring to the moustache, the old soup strainer.
Very striking, sir.
Rather Ronald Colman, I thought.
It was Lord Kitchener who sprang to mind on first sighting, sir.
Blast it, Jeeves! I shall do what I like with my own upper lip.
You know, Jeeves, in spite of the fact that we're being dragged back to Dear Old Blighty under somewhat ignominious circumstances by an enraged aunt, I shan't be sorry to go.
No indeed, sir. It will be a pleasure to be home.
S3 E4Right Ho, Jeeves!
You see the ghastly position, Jeeves? What is going to happen when Gussie doesn't turn up at Deverill Hall? Madeline will make inquiries. You know what women are like for digging out the truth. And nothing puts an idealistic young girl off a fellow more than the news that he's doing fourteen days in chokey.
A very acute observation, sir.
There can be but one result. Gussie will get the bum's rush, and the bowed figure you will see shambling down the aisle at Madeline Bassett's side, while the organ plays "The Voice That Breathed O'er Eden," will be Bertram Wilberforce Wooster.
CPCatsmeat Potter-Pirbright
Well, I don't see why.
[sighs] Madeline Bassett labors under the delusion that I'm madly in love with her. Well, when a girl thinks you're in love with her and comes to you and says that she's returning her betrothed to store and is prepared to sign up with you instead, what can you do except marry her? One has to be civil.
[clears his throat] There is one possible solution, sir.
[to Catsmeat] You see? "There is one possible solution, sir" — just like that. For your information, Catsmeat, Jeeves takes a size 14 hat, eats tons of fish and moves in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform. [to Jeeves] Speak, Jeeves.
You can't go around London asking people to pretend to be Gussie Fink-Nottle! Well, yes, you can, I suppose, but what a hell of a life.
Jeeves, how could I ever doubt you?
I could not say, sir.
What's all this about you not writing to Madeline?
Madeline?
Madeline! Do you realize she's started sending telegrams about it? For all our sakes, Gussie, write to her!
I am not at all pleased with Madeline. It was she who made me come to this ghastly place. I only consented on the understanding that she'd come too. Then, at the last moment, she coolly backed out on the flimsy plea that some school friend of hers needs her. She must be made to realize she can't do that sort of thing. So I'm not going to write to her. It's a sort of a system.
Gussie, for the last time, will you or will you not immediately compose an eight-page letter breathing love in every syllable and post it to Madeline?
Not!
Jeeves, I'm sunk!
Well, sir, if Mr. Fink-Nottle will not write to Miss Bassett, perhaps you might write to her yourself.
But she doesn't want to hear from me, Jeeves, she wants to hear from Gussie.
If it were indicated to Miss Bassett that Mr. Fink-Nottle had sprained his wrist and had to dictate a letter to you, sir...
CPCatsmeat Potter-Pirbright
I say, what a wheeze! You were right about him, Bertie.
Thank you, sir. [to Bertie] If you were to say that Mr. Fink-Nottle had given his wrist a nasty wrench while stopping a runaway horse and saving a little child from a hideous death, it might turn Mr. Fink-Nottle's taciturnity to your advantage, sir. A golden-haired child is usually best in such circumstances.
[playing the piano and singing horribly off-key while lisping] How do you feel / When you marry your ideal? / Ever tho goothey, goothey, goothey, goothey...
You know, Jeeves, if someone were to come to me and ask if I'd be willing to join a society whose aim will be the suppression of aunts — or who will at least see to it that they are kept on a short chain and not permitted to roam at will, scattering desolation on all sides — I'd reply "Wilbraham" — if his name was Wilbraham, that is — "Wilbraham, put me down as a foundation member."
I'm sure such a society would not be lacking for subscribers, sir.
S3 E5Hot Off the Press
Observe the time, Jeeves?
Yes indeed, sir, not yet half past three.
Yes, perhaps you think it odd that I'm back from lunch at this unfashionably early hour.
It did occur to me to wonder, sir, whether there had been a conflagration at the Drones Club.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jeeves and Wooster pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.