Mary Shannon quotes from In Plain Sight

Mary

It's so not the same.

Marshall

Who's saying it is? I'm just saying we were up all night with Oscar; the stomach thing.

Mary

I swear to God, there should be a special place in prison, a wing at Gitmo, for people who compare owning an animal to having a baby.

Marshall

Would you call it your pet peeve?

Mary

Oh, fun! Word play. Look, dogs are lazy, Marshall, they're laconic. Babies are terrorists, they're relentless, they never let you rest; they're like little, fat alarm clocks.

Mary

Did you see that? That was the you know. That was the "personal event."

Marshall

Yeah, and he was humming. Humming!

Mary

Exactly. Sure, Stan's a positive guy, chipper; I mean, hell, he's a jolly, white George Jefferson, but he is not a hummer! That came out wrong.

Mary

I'm ready to talk about the shooting. It was horrible, he deserved it, and I'd do it again.

But it hurt you to hurt him.

Mary

I didn't hurt him, I killed him. I had to, to protect Stan, to protect Marshall, because that's what I do. I protect people.

Which is why you didn't make an adoption plan for Norah.

Mary

She was so tiny, so fragile, but most of all, she was mine. I just felt like, feel like, I just realized no one could protect her like I would; like I can.

Marshall

So, Norah, tough first day?

Mary

You know she doesn't understand, and even if she did she couldn't answer. You know why?

Marshall

'Cause she's a baby?

Mary

She's a baby.

Marshall

They're like sponges at this stage. She must have picked up something.

Mary

I'm so tired. You know what I need? A stay at home wife. Gay marriage, that's not legal yet?

Marshall

There's always a statewide referendum. You want a hand?

Mary

I got it. You know what, just take the diaper bag. And my other bag. [picks up Norah's carrier] Honestly, just pick me up.

Mary

[looking at a horse] You can't trust them. The ratio's off; too much animal for that little brain. You know it's like a lemon?

Marshall

You'll be fine.

Mary

I'll be fine, but will he be fine? [to the horse] One false move and I turn you into a duffel bag. Got it?

Mary

[referring to their guide] She's pretty. Pretty young.

Marshall

I hadn't noticed.

Mary

Really? You hadn't noticed her shameless flirting?

Marshall

I'm kind of focused on the manhunt.

Mary

Here's what I don't get: when did you become the George Clooney to the Veronica Mars set?

Marshall

You've got a little venom on your chin.

Mary

Wait a minute, what? The guy who couldn't stand to be in the same room with John suddenly is simpatico? Oh, I see. You've got it too: the Betty/Veronica complex. The blonde work wife, the underage, brunette girlfriend.

Marshall

Did you just call yourself my work wife?

Mary

[whispers] I think I did. [makes a face]

Mary

[breaking up a fight between a civilian and witness] All right, cool it, both of you!

Who the hell are you?

Mary

I'm a sleep deprived mom with a Glock and an itchy trigger finger. Next question.

Mary

I've got this dinner with Raf.

Marshall

Raf? When did this happen? You didn't mention that?

Mary

[pointing out Marshall's not telling her he proposed] Oh, by the way, I got engaged. The Isotopes hired him as some kind of coach.

Marshall

Okay, so this dinner/date, is it dinner or a date?

Mary

Dinner with Raf and his wife. Yeah, that's right, he dropped the wife-bomb on me and then ran for cover.

Marshall

You didn't cancel.

Mary

Why would I? I broke up with him. Anyway, he's a friend, I want to see how he's doing.

Marshall

Don't think so. No, I think.

Mary

Here we go.

Marshall

-- you and Raf didn't work out so how, pray tell, did the story end?

Mary

Shoot me now.

Marshall

You don't do well with unresolved. Understandable, given your decided lack of resolution with your father.

Mary

Okay, Freud, kick back and get your feet up. You know, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Marshall

Mary, it's me.

Mary

Okay. Fine. Yeah, fine. So yeah, maybe I'm curious. Maybe I want to see how things turned out.

Marshall

You just want to see if she's pretty or not.

Mary

I hate when you know me.

Mary

This is bullshit, Stan. I'm a WITSEC inspector. If I wanted to be a douche bag special agent, I would have gone to douche bag special agent school!

Stan

I'm not saying you have to do it.

Mary

Look, I don't expect much out of DOJ, but is this office seriously going to bite down this hard on a big fish story peddled by one of its most wanted?!

Marshall

Listen, my dad is in town for the weekend.

Mary

I know.

Marshall

And his arrival, totally planned, it's thrown me. Just him showing up.

Mary

What's your point?

Marshall

Your dad showed up unannounced, out of thin air, and you're having to be professional at a time when personal issues, for years deeply personal issues, well let's just say "thrown" doesn't even touch it. Mary, talk to me.

Mary

I've been talking all day.

Marshall

Yeah. Okay.

Mary

I remember when I was seven, almost seven, I remember asking someone "what's the point of a partner if you're just going to do it yourself?" My whole life I think I haven't understood that word. Not really. I don't know. I just know a partner doesn't leave you on the doorstep; he follows you there, even at four in the morning.

Marshall

I wonder what you're dad would say about that.

Mary

The same thing he always said: never trust your partner.

Mary

Hey, so if I were someone who could tell these things, how could I tell if these were fake?

Marshall

Ever gotten faux jewelry from a guy?

Mary

I've never gotten jewelry from a guy, and don't say faux.

Marshall

This, what we have, it's undefinable, and up until now nothing's ever come along to jeopardize that.

Mary

Marshall, you're my best friend. You're my only friend. I mean, forget friend, you're -- you know.

Marshall

I know. I love that. But that's the problem.

Mary

Because you're getting married.

Marshall

Yeah. I'm getting married. I love Abigail deeply, and because I do that's why I need you to do something for me.

Mary

Anything.

Marshall

I need you to release me. I need to be free enough to have a life with Abigail, and I need you to be okay enough for that to happen, because if you call I'll come. Every time.

Mary

Well, I don't know a lot these days. All I know is that more than anything in the whole world, I want you to be happy. So, I'm going to say this once and only once: I want you to marry Abigail. She makes you happy. I like her and I like you together. I know, I hide it well.

Marshall

Yeah. Okay. So, shall we get on with the rest of our lives?

Mary

You first.