Mary Shannon quotes from In Plain Sight

Eleanor

I'm the new office administrator.

You have my deepest sympathy.

Eleanor

Clearly, I committed war crimes in a past life.

Mary

The comedy stylings of Dull and Duller!

Marshall

So, Brandi finally dates someone respectable, and she wants to dump him?

Mary

Respectable and rich. Let's not forget rich, that's the best part.

Stan

Respectable and rich do not the relationship make.

Mary

True.

Eleanor

Nice ass doesn't hurt. [everyone stares at her] Didn't mean to say that out loud, actually.

Eleanor

Why are all these files stapled shut?

Mary

Sorry, I couldn't help myself. It's the Fliegler, it's so damn powerful.

Marshall

She had the same problem with her gun when she first started.

Marshall

What?

Mary

MOU. Couple hundred pages. I'd really like to get out of here before the saints are with us.

Marshall

Sorry, it's just that sometimes I feel like I'm in a movie, too.

Mary

Really? Let me guess: Clueless. Jerk.

Marshall

Actually, I was going to say Taming of the Shrew.

Mary

[answers her phone] Hey, what's up?

Marshall

Where are you? You've got to get in here.

Mary

Why, what's the matter?

Marshall

Stan and Eleanor. You've got to see this.

Mary

Stan and Eleanor what? Are they fighting? [excitedly] Is she getting fired?

Marshall

No, but there's definitely something going on between them.

Mary

Really, gidget? Is she wearing his ring?

Marshall

Ridicule if you must, but I see what I see.

Mary

You see what you want to see. You've got to wonder what that would look like. Stan and Eleanor, doing it.

Marshall

Why do you always have to take it to an ugly place?

Mary

I'll bet she's an animal. It's always the prim ones.

Eleanor

Goodnight.

Marshall

Night!

Mary

Leaving so early? What? Hot date? Bend your man to your Mrs. Robinson, yearning to be schooled in the ways of love?

Eleanor

Don't I wish. Unfortunately, just me and the Tivo tonight.

Mary

Excellent, then you can help me with some research.

Eleanor

How did I not see that coming?

Marshall

Mary, are you ready to go to lunch?

Mary

I thought you'd never ask.

Marshall

[to O'Connor] We'd invite you but...nah.

Mary

Why weren't we told he had a son? Yeah and the Dog ate my homework. Listen numb-nuts I don't think you're seeing the big picture here. Your conviction relies on the testimony of a witness who lost his home, his friends, his job, and now thanks to your ineptitude, his son. But here's the part you should really be focusing on come trial time brings me ball punching distance to you...Yeah good idea. You look into it. [hangs up] Idiot.

Mary

What's this?

Stan

While you were verbally spanking the future ex-governor of Illinois, I obtained a copy of the paperwork he sent to Ed's wife.

Mary

So there was paperwork filed.

Eleanor

Would you like me to get him on the phone so that you can apologize or just send a card?

Mary

No, let's go with the card this time. [to Stan] Hey, look no there's no signature. It never went through.

Stan

Oh, it happens sometimes, just have to track her down and get her sign it.

Eleanor

So cancel the card?

Mary

Yeah, think so.

Mary

So, let's see. The men involved in the car-theft ring you're supposed to testify against are all in jail awaiting trial, which is good. That said, they worked for an international operation that had contacts in Europe, Asia and South America. Not so good.

How long am I going to be in witness protection?

Marshall

We're kind of like the mafia: once you're in, you're in. Except we don't kill you if you decide to leave.

Eleanor

So what's the big deal? It's just a friendly salutation like, "Hey hon, can you bring me the forms we filed?"

Mary

Oh, I see. [to Marshall] Like when you call me "Snuggles," or when Stan refers to you as his "Butterscotch Stallion."

Mary

Does Miles have a favorite constellation?

Yeah. Hercules.

Mary

Which one's that? I've never been able to see those things.

Hercules is there. See it?

Mary

All I see is a random arrangement of dots light years apart. I tend to see things as they are. No magic or no shine.

Do you like being that way?

Mary

Sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's not so good. My dad used to tell me we don't need magic as long as we've got — anyway. Sometimes I wish there was just a little magic.

Mary

So if Miles doesn't have a birth certificate...

Marshall

It can only mean one thing.

Mary

Miles is Amish.

Marshall

...or Miles doesn't exist.

Mary

Oh yeah. No, I see where you could get that too.

Marshall

Howdy.

Mary

You're still here?

Marshall

Yep.

Mary

I thought you'd be knee-deep in your third session with Dr. Finkel by now.

Marshall

Nope.

Mary

Come on, man. Don't make me fish.

Marshall

We were knee-deep in a double latte. She, regaling me with stories from her last year of growth and liberation.

Mary

And then?

Marshall

And then what's his name called.

Mary

The ex.

Marshall

Don. From what I could ascertain, he was crying.

Mary

Well... you still got me, Ringo.

Mary

Why do you always side with him?

Eleanor

Because his decisions aren't predicated upon flapjack availability.

Mary

I'd say that is a weakness.

Mary

Hey! Hey! Jesus! Jesus!

Marshall

Or alternatively, Jesus. Jesus!