Melanie Hope Moretti quotes from Hot in Cleveland

Melanie

Well, my mom hasn't let me leave the house since she got here. My childhood all over again. She just wants me to stay at home and eat. I was like a veal.

Melanie

(on the phone to her daughter) Hey, Jenna. It's mom. No. No, everything's okay. I just, just really wanted to talk to my baby. So, what's new? Aaah, oh wow, you're kidding! That's great. It's just great. No, no, I got time. Yeah, I just... want to hear everything.

Melanie Moretti

(about Anders, her ex) What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?

Joy Scroggs

Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?

Melanie

No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.

Victoria Chase

You know, I was up for a part in the movie.

Joy

Course you were.

Melanie

(about her ex-husbands new fiance) She's half my age.

Victoria

Well darling, that really isn't that young.

Melanie

My fake age!

Victoria

Oh my god! She's a child!

Joy

I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch!

Joy

Maybe. It's all just a... a lot.

Melanie

I can't imagine.

Joy

Yes, you can. You're a mother.

Melanie

Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!

Joy

You're kidding.

Elka

You all have birthdays on the same day?

Victoria

No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...

Melanie

Depressing, scary...

Joy

Drunk and hazy...

Victoria

We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.

Joy

It works great. I really don't know how old I am.

Melanie

You know Johnny Revere?!?

Victoria

Every inch of him. One night he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a back-stage pass to the best six months of my life.

Joy

They why is he a bastard?

Joy

Because half way through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.

Joy

Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John OR George Michael. I thought he wanted my sex.

Melanie

I didn't even know the Village People were gay.

Victoria

Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.

Elka

In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.

Melanie

You thought Liberace was straight?

Elka

(confident) I could have turned him.

Elka

(in regards to her bright red hair) I changed my hair!

Melanie

Elka, why would... huh... I mean, why?

Elka

I wanted something fresh. I found a picture in a magazine and I gave it to my hair-stylist.

Joy

Was it a picture of Elmo?

Elka

This red hair comes with a temper. I will cut you!

Victoria

A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial. Ah, years of honing my craft and finally my dream is coming true.

Melanie

Your dream is to a Japanese commercial?

Victoria

No. To sell out for an obscene amount of money.

Joy

(about Victoria’s underpants commercial) When do we tell her it's all over the internet?

Melanie

Oh, I know. I saw it too.

Elka

I posted it.

Elka

How was the farmer's market?

Melanie

Weird.

Joy

In L.A., a farmer's market means sushi, pâté, and enchiladas.

Victoria

This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

Melanie

(about her out-fit) As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.

Joy

That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.

Elka

Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.

Melanie

Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.

Victoria

Where's Elka? She said this disease had no symptoms and I'm out there limping around like Dr. House.

Melanie

Elka said she looked it up on Wikipedia.

Victoria

Wikipedia!?! Wikipedia says I'm 37, and I should know, I'm the one that corrected it.

Victoria

We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces.

Joy

Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends. All of them mine.

Melanie

Five kids.

Joy

Two grandkids.

Victoria

Nieces, please!

Melanie

We've just always had each others' backs,

Victoria

Mm-hm.

Melanie

for better and for worse.