Elka Ostrovsky quotes from Hot in Cleveland

Elka

My father and I argued about everything. The last fight we had was whether or not the gun was loaded. Two days later, bammo! Heart-attack!

Elka

[to Victoria's selfish whining while Elka is in jail] You better buck up and bug down, bitch!

Elka

I'm in freaking jail!

Elka

I thought you were gonna tell everybody how you two hooked up on your boat the first night she got here.

Elka

See you losers, I got a date.

Elka

(to Joy) I think you forgot the rest of your outfit upstairs, with your dignity.

Elka

(to Joy about the Man-Hands film) I wanted the A.

Joy

Let me ask you something. What's the deal with old ladies and track suits?

Elka Ostrovsky

Well, it's simple. In your twenties you dress for men, in your forties you dress for success, and in your eighties you dress for a bathroom.

Joy

Does anyone else smell pot?

Elka

What are you, a cop?

Joy

No.

Elka

Then what's it to you?

Elka

(to Joy) You're too old and creaky to be robbing the cradle.

Joy

I'm old?!? Was Ohio even a state when you were born?

Elka

They were talking about it.

Melanie

Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!

Joy

You're kidding.

Elka

You all have birthdays on the same day?

Victoria

No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...

Melanie

Depressing, scary...

Joy

Drunk and hazy...

Victoria

We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.

Joy

It works great. I really don't know how old I am.

Elka

I'm a little nervous. Or maybe it's just staring at that rat's nest that Joy calls a hairdo. It's so unsettling.

Joy

Your nerves are making you unpleasant.

Elka

Yes, but I can fix that by finishing this wine. You're still stuck with that hair.

Joy

That's not your joke, Elka. That's Winston Churchill's

Elka

It's not stealing if you were there.

Listen, Elka. I don't want to lose you. So, if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.

Elka

You are?

Yes. Just hope I don't get lost down there.

Elka

Oh, you won't. I have no trouble telling you where to go.

It's just so dark and scary there.

Victoria

(holding an ice tray to her neck) I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.

Elka

What's going on?

Joy

Victoria's having a senior moment.

Elka

Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

Victoria

I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.

Elka

But your eyebrows look fine.

Victoria

Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.