Victoria Chase quotes from Hot in Cleveland

Victoria

(about having all the parents to the house) I could invite my father. But watch out. He hits on anything that moves.

Victoria

Kids can be so ungrateful. I mean, you get them the best nannies money can buy and then they blackmail you with threats to write a Mommy Dearest.

Victoria

I´m poor and out of a job, it´s the best time to believe in magic.

Victoria

If she were any more of a bitch, she’d have puppies.

Victoria

I´m going to make a sex tape, and you are all going to help.

Victoria

My agent says to hold off on the sex tape. He says there might be an opening on Celebrity Rehab...? They just wanna figure out which addiction would get me the most camera time.

Victoria

I have been speaking diva since I cheerfully informed my pre-school teacher that not all the little teapots are short and stout!

Melanie Moretti

(about Anders, her ex) What if he's missing me too and Los Angeles was filled with so many sad memories he's flying to Paris to fill a void in his life? What if this is *our* meet on top of the Empire State Building moment?

Joy Scroggs

Have you been watching Sleepless in Seattle again?

Melanie

No! Yes. But I got it down to once a month.

Victoria Chase

You know, I was up for a part in the movie.

Joy

Course you were.

Joy

(to Melanie) You're not old. Forty's the new twenty-five.

Victoria

I thought forty was the new thirty.

Melanie

(about her ex-husbands new fiance) She's half my age.

Victoria

Well darling, that really isn't that young.

Melanie

My fake age!

Victoria

Oh my god! She's a child!

Joy

I say we kill him and make his underage whore watch!

Joy

(after coming down the back stairs into the kitchen) We're still in a rented house in Ohio, right?

Victoria

Yup.

Joy

So last night a guy fifteen years younger than me really did give me his phone number.

Victoria

Oh, it's the magic of Cleveland, Joy. All the most beautiful people in the world move to L.A. to become stars, leaving behind in their wake beauty voids for the rest of us to fill.

Melanie

Hey, guys, guess what? It's our birthday in two weeks!

Joy

You're kidding.

Elka

You all have birthdays on the same day?

Victoria

No no no, but we decided that, seeing as birthdays are so generally unpleasant...

Melanie

Depressing, scary...

Joy

Drunk and hazy...

Victoria

We decided that we'd just celebrate ours all together on a neutral day. And that way, we don't have to acknowledge the day that we actually get older.

Joy

It works great. I really don't know how old I am.

Victoria

(holding an ice tray to her neck) I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.

Elka

What's going on?

Joy

Victoria's having a senior moment.

Elka

Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

Melanie

You know Johnny Revere?!?

Victoria

Every inch of him. One night he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a back-stage pass to the best six months of my life.

Joy

They why is he a bastard?

Joy

Because half way through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.

Seriously, you look even sexier in person than you did on your show.

Victoria

You watched Edge of Tomorrow?

Sure. I was always bragging to the roadies how I used to drill you like the Gulf of Mexico.

Victoria

Still don't follow the news, do you!