Victoria Chase quotes from Hot in Cleveland

Victoria

I am definitely going to need an emergency wax.

Elka

But your eyebrows look fine.

Victoria

Oh, it's not my eyebrows I'm worried about.

Joy

Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John OR George Michael. I thought he wanted my sex.

Melanie

I didn't even know the Village People were gay.

Victoria

Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.

Elka

In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.

Melanie

You thought Liberace was straight?

Elka

(confident) I could have turned him.

Victoria

A Japanese company wants me to do a commercial. Ah, years of honing my craft and finally my dream is coming true.

Melanie

Your dream is to a Japanese commercial?

Victoria

No. To sell out for an obscene amount of money.

Elka

How was the farmer's market?

Melanie

Weird.

Joy

In L.A., a farmer's market means sushi, pâté, and enchiladas.

Victoria

This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

Joy

I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting *my* mom, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.

Victoria

You don't seem that drunk.

Joy

Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.

I don't watch much television.

Victoria

(scornful) Of course not. It doesn't have a mirrored surface.

Joy

I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.

Elka

I did. But then Nick asked me to dance and one thing led to another.

Victoria

You cheated on Max?

Elka

Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!

Joy

(Melanie is going out with Anders) We're screwed.

Victoria

Screwed, stewed, and tattooed. From a Tennessee Williams play. I played Esmeralda in summer stock.

Joy

You know, I didn't think you'd be able to make this about yourself. I underestimated you.

Victoria

Listen, fooling around with exes is a perfectly natural and often beautiful part of every relationship. I've slept with all of mine.

Elka

Even the gay one?

Victoria

Yes. He was questioning his sexuality, but as soon as we hit the sheets we got into a conversation about thread count, and well, game over!

Elka

My friend Sheila crashes funerals to meet men. I'm going with!

Victoria

But you have Max.

Elka

Just because I'm chained to the fence doesn't mean I can't bark at the ground.

Our production is doomed because the soccer coach is doubling as the drama teacher due to budget cuts.

Victoria

God, I hate jocks.

Joy

You were married to a wide-receiver.

Victoria

I still don't know what sport that was!

Victoria

Where's Elka? She said this disease had no symptoms and I'm out there limping around like Dr. House.

Melanie

Elka said she looked it up on Wikipedia.

Victoria

Wikipedia!?! Wikipedia says I'm 37, and I should know, I'm the one that corrected it.

Victoria

(about her Emmy nod) Now that Edge of Tomorrow is cancelled, this'll be my very last chance to show that Susan Lucci who the real queen of daytime is.

Joy

Judge Judy?

Victoria

You know, darling, instead of making fun, perhaps you should go and find the bottom half of your skirt.

Victoria

We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces.

Joy

Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends. All of them mine.

Melanie

Five kids.

Joy

Two grandkids.

Victoria

Nieces, please!

Melanie

We've just always had each others' backs,

Victoria

Mm-hm.

Melanie

for better and for worse.

Victoria

I thought you weren´t coming here.

Elka

Well I ran out of vodka and I thought I´d come here and freshen up my drunk.