Victoria Chase quotes from Hot in Cleveland

Melanie

Now we know that there are fifteen ways to say whore in Polish.

Victoria

What a beautiful language.

Elka

(walks into the girls' beauty treatments) Hey Nice and Easy.

Victoria

Yeah I picked this up yesterday.

Elka

That´s great dear, but I was talking about Melanie and Joy.

You forgot I did all my stunts in Crazy in Alabama.

Victoria

And you forgot a little Lifetime Original movie called soccer mom ninja.

Joy

There´s always adoption.

Victoria

Yes, you gave one away, you take one back.

Joy

Maybe this could work to your advantage. Award voters love it when actresses are brave enough to look hideous.

Victoria

I’m hideous?

Joy

Yes. Good hideous. You know, like Charlize Theron in Monster.

Victoria

Oh, you’re right. The judges love it when beautiful people suffer.

Victoria

I think people would know the difference between me and a coconut.

Oh. We could age the coconut.

Victoria

My hot gardener went back to his ex-wife.

Elka

Those first wives'll get you every time.

Victoria

Yeah. Well, I'll get over it, but... he was a good man. And God, could he fill a pair of jeans. Now, he had a butt like two scoops of ice cream.

Elka

Max too. Soft serve, but the same idea.

Victoria

I thought you tampered juror number eight

Elka

I tampered the heck out of him

Melanie

The next best singer should step up!

Victoria

Yes, which is why I'm stepping.

Elka

You mean tripping!

Victoria

You know I really think we have a shot at winning this contest!

Melanie

and even if we don't, its an honour just to be entered.

Elka

That's what Joy said during Fleet Week!

Elka

How's the food

Victoria

Well how would I know, I don't even know how the food is here

Joy didn't mention you were an actress.

Victoria

But then what do you guys talk about?

Elka

You've seen him shirtless. Why would they talk?

Victoria

You faked porned him?

Melanie

I faked porned him.

Joy

Why?

Melanie

I-I panicked. Emmet said men like enthusiasm, so I went a little overboard. I mean, I was like someone reviewing their own business on Yelp.

Victoria

You set the sex bar way too high.

Melanie

I know! And now he's going to expect fake porn Melanie every time; I'm going to be so busy putting on a show that I won't be able to relax and enjoy it.

Joy

Wilbur, Nana's home. Were you a good boy for Elka and Mamie-Sue?

Oh, yes; we read Baby Shakespeare, listened to Baby Beethoven. I think both of them did better work as adults.

Joy

Wilbur, darling, say Nana. Na-na.

Nana.

Joy

Did you hear that? Wilbur just said his first word. And it was Nana.

Well, actually his first word wa...

Elka

Zip it.

Victoria

I'm on a film mission. Now, have him do a second take.

Joy

Wilbur, say it again. Say Nana.

TV.

Melanie

Did he just say TV?

Elka

I heard Nana.

TV.

Elka

That's from Baby Shakespeare. TV or not TV.

Joy

Owen and I made it very clear: no TV, no processed sugar, watch your language.

Crap!

Elka

That is us watching our language.

Joy

That's it. You two are off the baby-sitting list. You are never watching Wilbur again.

Bitch!

Elka

(after everyone just looks at her) I got nothing.

Joy

Sorry I'm late; what'd I miss?

Victoria

Oh, we were just telling sad, bloated Melanie that Alec was right to break up with her.

Joy

What! That's a horrible thing to say. You're going to make her cry.

Elka

That's the plan.