Joy Scroggs quotes from Hot in Cleveland

(holding an ice tray to her neck) I pulled a muscle fastening my bra.

What's going on?

Joy

Victoria's having a senior moment.

Oh, I have those all the time. I can be walking along, happy as a clam, and suddenly I get this overwhelming urge to hit some young person with a stick.

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You know Johnny Revere?!?

Every inch of him. One night he pulled me from the audience to dance on stage and gave me a back-stage pass to the best six months of my life.

Joy

They why is he a bastard?

Joy

Because half way through the tour, he left me stranded on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.

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Joy

Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie. I didn't know about Elton John OR George Michael. I thought he wanted my sex.

I didn't even know the Village People were gay.

Yeah, they kind of ruined that cowboys with short shorts and a moustache look for straight guys.

In my day nobody knew anything about anyone. Rock Hudson. Tab Hunter. I had a big thing for Liberace.

You thought Liberace was straight?

(confident) I could have turned him.

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(in regards to her bright red hair) I changed my hair!

Elka, why would... huh... I mean, why?

I wanted something fresh. I found a picture in a magazine and I gave it to my hair-stylist.

Joy

Was it a picture of Elmo?

This red hair comes with a temper. I will cut you!

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Joy

(about Victoria’s underpants commercial) When do we tell her it's all over the internet?

Oh, I know. I saw it too.

I posted it.

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How was the farmer's market?

Weird.

Joy

In L.A., a farmer's market means sushi, pâté, and enchiladas.

This is just a bunch of stuff... grown by farmers.

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Joy

I keep telling you people never change. That's why, instead of confronting *my* mom, I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.

You don't seem that drunk.

Joy

Oh, we English never do. The alcohol is neutralized by our bottled-up anger.

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(about her out-fit) As soon as I get to New York, I have to rush straight to Jenna's play; I'm not going to have time to change.

Joy

That's a lot of boobage for your daughter's play.

Nice girls keep their cookies in a jar.

Yes, I know, but Jenna set me up with one of her friends' fathers and we're going out to dinner after.

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Joy

I thought you went to the dance with Max last night.

I did. But then Nick asked me to dance and one thing led to another.

You cheated on Max?

Twice! First a waltz, and then a polka!

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Joy

(Melanie is going out with Anders) We're screwed.

Screwed, stewed, and tattooed. From a Tennessee Williams play. I played Esmeralda in summer stock.

Joy

You know, I didn't think you'd be able to make this about yourself. I underestimated you.

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ZZack

Our production is doomed because the soccer coach is doubling as the drama teacher due to budget cuts.

God, I hate jocks.

Joy

You were married to a wide-receiver.

I still don't know what sport that was!

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(about her Emmy nod) Now that Edge of Tomorrow is cancelled, this'll be my very last chance to show that Susan Lucci who the real queen of daytime is.

Joy

Judge Judy?

You know, darling, instead of making fun, perhaps you should go and find the bottom half of your skirt.

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We've been through, what, everything together. OK, between us: six divorces.

Joy

Five of them yours. And an endless array of bad boyfriends. All of them mine.

Five kids.

Joy

Two grandkids.

Nieces, please!

We've just always had each others' backs,

Mm-hm.

for better and for worse.

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Joy

(regarding Melanie being stressed for saying “I love you” to Pete) I've blurted it out when I didn't mean it, too. Someone recently mistook me for Kate Beckinsale, and I told him I loved him.

Couldn't you have just given him a biscuit for his guide dog?

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Joy

Need a refill?

You got that right, Skeletora.