Mike Kellerman quotes from Homicide: Life on the Street

Kellerman

Why is Bolander called the Big Man? He fat?

Munch

Granted, Stanley Bolander is far from svelte, but it's not mere bulk which has earned the Big Man his title. He has what some might call a Brogdignagian build. He is in all senses a man of magnitude. Enormously fair, tremendously honest, and a whale of a detective.

Munch

Well, this gets to Internal, I've got a secret for them too.

Kellerman

You'd give me up?

Munch

On a platter, with an apple stuffed in your mouth.

Kellerman

[before meeting with Gee] Any advice?

Lewis

Yeah, he tends to spit when he yells. Just step back.

Kellerman

C'mon Meldrick. Stay on the boat tonight.

Lewis

I love you man, but I'm not in love with you.

Pembleton

[Holding coffee pot] Who-who finished the last of the...uh...bagel?

Lewis

Bagel?

Pembleton

Bagel. Bagel. BAY-GUL! Hot. Brown. Liquid? Bagel.

Lewis

Oh, sure. Bagel.

Kellerman

You mean "coffee," Frank.

Pembleton

Th-that's what I said, isn't it?

Kellerman

Right, uh, the bagel.

Pembleton

[yelling] Who finished the last of the bagel, huh?

Lewis

[quietly] Kellerman.

Pembleton

[to Kellerman] You-you-you make the next pot, huh?

Kellerman

I just want you to know that I'm here for you. And if you want a hug, I'd be happy to give you one.

Bayliss

A hug?

Kellerman

Yeah.

Bayliss

Do you and Lewis hug?

Kellerman

Yeah.

Bayliss

A lot?

Kellerman

No, not a lot.

Bayliss

But enough.

Kellerman

What do you mean?

Bayliss

Well, do you want Lewis to hug you more?

Kellerman

Forget I brought this up.

Bayliss

No, no, no. You brought up the hugging thing.

Kellerman

Someone's in the jackpot.

Lewis

Yeah, well, it ain't me. I ain't done nothing. Lately.

Lewis

[about Kay Howard] Did you hear that? Danvers and I are just friends. That's baloney. Did you see her face?

Kellerman

Why do you push her buttons every chance you get?

Lewis

Because it is soooo easy.

Brodie

What are you focusing on when you first sit down with a suspect?

Pembleton

The detective has informed you of your rights. He wants you to be protected, he says. Because, he says, there's nothing that concerns him more than giving you every possible assistance in this very confusing and stressful moment in your life.

Howard

The detective wants you to know, and we've been doing this a lot longer than you have, so you can take our word for it. Your rights to counsel aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Pembleton

Once you actually up and call for that lawyer, son, there ain't a damn thing we can do for you. No, sir, your good friends in the Homicide Unit are gonna have to lock you all alone in this room. And the next authority figure to scan your case will be a no-nonsense prosecutor from the Violent Crimes Unit, with the official title "Assistant State's Attorney for the City of Baltimore."

Munch

And God help you then, because a ruthless blood-sucker like that'll have an O'Donnell Heights motorhead like yourself halfway to the gas chamber before you get three words out.

Kellerman

Your best bet is to speak up. Speak up now.

Kellerman

He stands up for us and where are we for him? Have a beer, right? So we can raise a toast to the son of a bitch because he was an idiot, thinking he could make a difference in the world.

Lewis

He wasn't an idiot.

Kellerman

No? All he had to do was go along with the program; just let them sell drugs off the corner, just accept things as they are and he'd still be alive. Your old partner Crosetti - he was an idiot too.

Lewis

What?

Kellerman

He let it all get to him.

Lewis

Why you wanna go there, man? Why you wanna drag Crosetti into this?

Kellerman

I see certificates of merit hanging in the squadroom. For what? So we can remember what a great guy he was, what a great detective? Does him a lot of good that he's remembered. Just a stupid, pathetic moron is what he was.

Lewis

Why you wanna talk about Crosetti like that? Why you wanna talk about someone you didn't even know?

Kellerman

There's the door. You don't wanna hear it, get out.

Lewis

He was a good man and he was a good detective. You don't know the first thing about him so what gives you the right to talk about someone you don't even know?

Kellerman

What, he's a mystery?! He kills himself. He tossed his drunk, pill-popping ass in the water and he comes up a floater. He should have eaten his gun.

Lewis

Mike-

Kellerman

No! No "Mike"! No more partner, no more friend, none of it! This is done between us!

Kellerman

You sure you want me with you?

Bayliss

Yeah. Sure, why not?

Kellerman

I don't know. The last time we worked together, you, uh, were kinda snarky.

Bayliss

Snarky?

Kellerman

Yeah. Snarky. You know, from the ancient Greek, meaning butthead.

Hey, I found an ear.

Bayliss

Friends, Romans, countrymen....

Kellerman

Ear today, gone tommorow.

Dr. Cox

You guys are so sick.

Munch

Come on, do it for me just one more time, please, and I won't ask you again.

Kellerman

Would you give it a rest?

Munch

Just once more, please?

Kellerman

Oy vey iz mir, I'm so meshugenah I could plotz.

Munch

Do it again.

Kellerman

No.

Munch

You remember when you were young and the most exciting thing that you thought of was that girl in your French class. You hoped she'd talk to you, let you walk her home, maybe even let you hold her hand.

Kellerman

Every time you looked at her you got embarrassed.

Munch

You couldn't imagine sleeping with her. All you could think about was reaching down for her hand, weaving your fingers together, have her palm touch your palm. We forget what that was like. We have sex, get married, fight, get divorced. Somewhere along the line we forgot how wonderful it is to hold another human being's hand. What happens to us that we take things like that for granted?

Kellerman

I don't know. We get older, I guess.

Munch

We get older, forget who we used to be, what we used to believe in. Love, peace, the Colts would always be in Baltimore. Here's to all the Helen Rosenthals of the world.

Lewis

I can't believe it. You lost a witness. How tall are you Mike?

Kellerman

How tall am I?

Lewis

Yeah, what, about 6'1, 6'2?

Kellerman

6'1. Why are you asking how tall I am?

Lewis

I didn't know they could pile crap that high.