Meldrick Lewis quotes from Homicide: Life on the Street

Lewis

Falsone, you got to relax, brother. C'mon, man.

Falsone

Meldrick, are you whackin' these guys?

Lewis

I'm a cop, Falsone.

Falsone

I have to ask.

Lewis

No, no. You ain't got to ask. You think I'm like them? You think I play by those rules?

Lewis

It done folded just like you said it would, Gee.

Giardello

Well, my words are my bond.

Lewis

Yeah. Exactly how many favors you hafta call in on this one?

Giardello

More than you'd ever want to know.

Detective Lewis.

Lewis

Captain.

You look good in uniform, Lewis.

Lewis

Why, thank you, sir.

If it was up to me, you'd be back in a squad car for that stunt you pulled.

Lewis

Yes sir.

Course, your lieutenant here, he thinks otherwise, but I've always said Al's problem's a lack of discipline. If I was running his shift, I'd be offering you a transfer.

Lewis

Respectfully speaking, sir? If you were running his shift, I'd be taking it.

Munch

What the hell happened? I go across the street for a cocktail; I come back to the squadroom it's the Alamo.

Lewis

Junior Bunk snatched a weapon out of Tambelli's desk. Gharty, Ballard, three uniforms got hit.

Bayliss

Life's an illusion. Reality is an illusion. You take this squadroom for instance, you know, after the big shootout. Last May, the bosses wanted to renovate. They reconfigured the whole place so that those of us who watched three uniforms die could put aside the horror of that moment and go about our jobs. That was actually quite enlightened of the bosses, really, but, it was quite futile, because this squadroom is the same squadroom, and our memories of that moment are as vivid as they ever were. All of this is just... it's an illusion.

Lewis

Bayliss, this is your first day back on the job.

Bayliss

Right.

Lewis

Do me a favor? Shut up.

Lewis

You see this, this is what I'm talkin' about. You see this memo from the bosses?

Sheppard

Which one? We get three a day.

Lewis

In an effort to maintain the pristine condition of the newly renovated squadroom, all Homicide personnel are asked not to hang personal items on the wall. This includes family photos, sports paraphernalia, and bumper stickers. Staff members are also asked not to use thumbtacks or Scotch tape to affix- and I love that word affix- any papers, schedules, or menus on said walls.

Sheppard

Let me see that. [takes memo]

Lewis

How long do you think we're gonna be able to maintain this pristine condition?

Sheppard

[tacks memo to wall] Not long.

Lewis

This place's gonna be a dump by Christmas.

Lewis

How the hell could Susan Dehen not know she was sleeping with her boyfriend's brother.

Munch

Well, you said they looked exactly alike, right?

Sheppard

Yeah, but in bed, there's a lot more going on than the visuals.

Lewis

Sound...

Sheppard

Taste...

Lewis

Smell...

Sheppard

Touch...

Munch

Cable.

Munch

It's like this dream I had when I was a kid: first day of school, wandering around the halls, looking for the right classroom. People are staring at me, and this girl I had a crush on - Helen Rosenbaum - she's laughing and pointing at me, and I realized I didn't get dressed. I'm buck naked. All I have on is my shoes and socks.

Lewis

Black socks?

Munch

Argyle.

Lewis

I had that dream.

Munch

Everybody has that dream. It's the human condition in a nutshell.

Munch

Mike, do you know anybody in the IRS?

Michael Giardello

IRS?

Lewis

Don't go there.

Munch

I'm lookin' for information on an IRS agent. Address, phone number, marital status.

Michael Giardello

You want me to dig up some dirt on an IRS agent?

Munch

Isn't there some super-secret federal database that you could access?

Michael Giardello

What are you, nuts? You don't mess with the IRS.

Munch

But you're FBI, you could say I'm toe to toe with these guys.

Michael Giardello

I could. The question is, why would I?

Lewis

Leave it alone, Munchkin.

Munch

It's not like I'm gonna stalk the guy, Mike, I just need an edge.

Falsone

So you're saying all black people are hip?

Lewis

Name one who ain't.

Falsone

George Washington Carver.

Michael Giardello

Please. How many things can a white man do with a peanut?

Munch

Shelled or unshelled?

Falsone

I got one. Meldrick Lewis.

Munch

Well, he is black.

Bayliss

Yep.

Michael Giardello

But not particularly hip.

Bayliss

Nope.

Lewis

What you talkin' about Willis?

Sheppard

Point taken. I guess Sammy Davis goes back on the list.

Lewis

No no no, hold on, let's just stop the game right here. I can be accused of a lot of things, but falling off the cutting edge is not one of 'em. Terri- am I down or am I down?

Stivers

What?

Lewis

Am I hip? Tell these fools.

Stivers

Uh, you have your moments.

Lewis

Moments?

Stivers

I don't know, maybe, you try too hard.

Lewis

I'm not playin' no more.

Lewis

[referring to Michael] Little Gee.

Munch

Chip off the old boulder.

Falsone

[the detectives are discussing Baltimore landmarks] Baltimore is a city of many splendors but the greatest architectural feat: Madonna's bra.

Stivers

[incredulous] What?

Lewis

Yeah, Madonna's bra. The sewage treatment plant on East Point. Them two golden cones just stickin' up outta nowhere.

Stivers

Madonna's bra.

Gharty

[chuckling] That's what the East Siders call it.

Falsone

Two golden orbs shimmering in the moonlight, towering over the landscape.

Stivers

I don't think I've ever seen it.

Falsone

Are you serious?

Gharty

To die without viewing it would mark an incomplete life.

Lewis

A spoon.

Munch

I hate to disappoint you, Meldrick, but that's not the murder weapon.

Bayliss

I am a cop.

Lewis

Yeah. And, you know, for my money, you're a pretty damn good cop.

Bayliss

Yeah, but not a very good Buddhist.

Bayliss

What I have is, I have a second in time. I have a split second in an abandoned building with a gun in my hand and every instinct is telling me who I am at that moment. That's what I got left and that's all I got left...and I'm a homicide cop.

Lewis

[sighs] Well, since you're no longer a Buddhist, you gotta look at the bright side, huh? You can have a couple of brewskis.

Bayliss

No, thanks.

Lewis

Oh come on, you can have one beer.

Bayliss

No. Beer ain't the answer either.

Lewis

[to Ballard] Observe. [To crowd]] All right, now, here's the dealio. The low bottom dog that tore this bar up and robbed everybody in it, he killed one man, and he cut another one. Now, before you all start thinking maybe you gotta protect this young brother from the criminal injustice system, let me point somethin' out. The mook that perpetrated this crime was a white man. Now I know in my heart that somebody is gonna come forward that maybe saw that getaway car. [Boy raises hand] My man.

What's up with that country-ass hat?