John Munch quotes from Homicide: Life on the Street

Munch

Mrs. Doohen, if you and your husband were so unhappy, why didn't you just get a divorce?

We talked about it, but we decided to wait until after the children died.

Bolander

You got two things right, you got a drug deal and a shootout, but not between those two guys! Lowe is lying wounded on the floor, and Cole is lying dead on top of him on his back!

Munch

...They shoot each other! [holds out his finger, mimicking a gun] BANG! BANG! Cole gets shot in the chest, then he spins around, falls over on Lowe!

Bolander

Okay, where's Cole's gun? We only recovered ONE gun!

Munch

So far...

Bolander

[angry] What'd he do, SWALLOW it?

Bayliss

Why should the killer even stay in Baltimore anymore?

Munch

Well, if he is from Baltimore, he won't go. He'll talk about it, but he won't do it.

Eh Stan, anyone ever jump off this balcony? [glances out a huge window onto the street] You know, did you ever have a killer, and you were just about to put him away, and he, like, made a break for it and he runs out the doors... AND OFF THE BALCONY ONTO THE DECK! [rushes forward excitedly, screaming and laughing] Ah, that's cool, man! That ever happen?

Bolander

No... no.

Munch

We got a call... Barney Street, shooting.

Bolander

Okay.

That's cool, man! Let's do it, let's do it, c'mon... fresh...

Bolander

Did he say things are gonna be 'fresh'?

Munch

[nods his head] ... 'Fresh'.

Bolander

[confused] You wanna tell me what that means?

Munch

It means... uh, neato, keen.

Bolander

'Neatokey'? I'm glad you understand these things.

Munch

Have you ever been high, Stan?

Bolander

Be serious, Munch.

Munch

I am being serious. They call it a high for a reason.

Bolander

Have you ever smoked dope, John?

Munch

I don't have to answer that.

Bolander

Nurse, can I have a cup over here? I'd like to test this man's urine.

Bolander

Why is it when a guy leaves 5 drops of coffee painting the bottom of the pot, he thinks he's immune from brewing a fresh pot of coffee?

Felton

Sorry.

Bolander

I mean, everybody is lookin' to duck something.

Felton

I said I was sorry.

Bolander

Why when you go in the john, there's always one piece of toilet paper stuck to the roll? Cause some guy thinks that if he technically didn't finish it, he's not responsible for replacing it?

Munch

Society is based on technicalities. It's the hallmark of late capitalism, Stanley. Figure it out.

Bolander

Same thing with milk.

Felton

Stan, I'm brewing more coffee.

Bolander

How come every time I open that refrigerator, there's one drop of milk left in the carton? So who has to go to the 7-11 and replace the carton of milk?

Munch

Me.

Bolander

That's beside the point. He's doing that on my behalf. He could be doing something else for me.

Munch

You know, Stanley, this woman, you gotta respect her. Why she goes out with you, I'll never know. As far as I'm concerned, your good fortune hangs right there with the great mysteries of life, right alongside the whereabouts of the lost tribes of Israel and the true meaning to the lyrics of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."

Munch

I think I'll go look for a couple of those lost tribes right now... [walks away]

Bolander

I'm sorry 'bout him...

Oh, he's alright, Stan... you just don't understand him at all, do you?

Bolander

Nope, I don't... but then again, I don't need to.

Munch

Where's my old Stanley?

Giardello

Oh my god...

Munch

I can't wake up in the morning, I can't face the day unless I know he's gonna be more miserable than me! The whole world's outta whack, G! You gotta do something!

Giardello

Like what?

Munch

Order him to be miserable again!

Giardello

Aw, stop it...

Munch

Look Boss, it's for his own good, it's a safety issue, the guy's DANCING IN TRAFFIC... there's gotta be something in the books to forbid happiness... it's UNPROFESSIONAL!

Munch

We have the city of Angels, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, The city of Brotherly Love, and now, Baltimore, City of the Broken-Hearted. She asked me to marry her. Twice. She asked me. But I love Felicia beyond the immediate moment. I love her for all of eternity and so I know, she's too young. I tell her and here I see you, dallying with Linda. It is Linda, isn't it? My heart sinks to the floor to see your youth. Your fleeting youth. Come autumn, and autumn does come, doesn't it, Kay? You'll be sitting in that big bay window of yours...

Howard

What bay window?

Munch

Some other window you got. Whatever looks out onto the street.

Howard

Oh.

Munch

The rains will be falling; those first hard, vicious rains of the season and you'll wonder what exactly it was that broke you and Danvers up...

Danvers

Wait a minute.

Munch

You know what I'm saying Danvers. I can tell by your tone of voice, you know. You've been in that window, looking down, haven't you? Everyone will be outside, holding hands, being in love, and you'll wonder why you and Danvers are now just good friends. And you'll be standing somewhere by yourself, and there will be that song, that song. Doesn't matter when you hear it, when it comes on, it'll make you think of all those silly little things you did together. You'll break up, get back together, break up, get back together... Call it off for good, find yourself sitting up in bed next to her on one last desperate evening saying to yourself, I miss her. And she's laying in bed next to you thinking the same thing about you...

Bolander

Munch, if you don't shut up and shut up fast, I'll gut ya.

Munch

Truth hurts; doesn't it, Stanley?

Howard

Life is so depressing. Love is hopeless.

Danvers

C'mon, Kay. I'll take you home.

Howard

No, Ed. I need to be alone tonight. Goodnight.

Danvers

Thanks a lot, Munch.

Bolander

C'mon, Linda. Let's go too. [to Munch] I'll deal with you in the morning, and don't look forward to it.

Lewis

Alright, John. I got a couple of questions for you and I want you to answer absolutely and honestly.

Munch

Of course.

Lewis

Question #1. Have you ever been arrested for a felony or a misdemeanor?

Munch

No. Next.

Lewis

C'mon John. Think back. Think way back to the hazy days of the summer of love. Your callow youth.

Munch

Oh, yeah. -- No.

Lewis

John, this is very important, ok? The liquor board gets the report from the state police, so if you have any demons in your closet, now is the time to set them free.

Munch

Are you implying that in my college years I was engaged in activities of a criminal nature?

Lewis

Yes. Everybody knows you were a major pothead. C'mon, man. I don't care if you smoked the stuff, I don't even care if you sold it. What I need to know is, were you ever caught?

Munch

Never.

Lewis

Okay. Great.

Munch

Can I go now?

Lewis

I have a few more questions for you.

Munch

Can I have an attorney present?

Munch

This is just a stupid formality. We gotta go all the way down there just so some bureacrat, some puny bureacrat who's overfed and probably got bad skin, so he can feel important?

Lewis

Don't open your mouth.

Munch

Me? Open my mouth?

Lewis

No, no. Promise me. I gotta hear it from you. Say, I'll be good.

Munch

I promise I'll be good.

Lewis

Oh, and there's one other thing. Don't wear that tie with the little bhuddas on it. It's ugly.

Munch

And what's wrong with that tie?

Lewis

I wouldn't give directions to a guy wearing a tie like that.

Munch

Well, guess what? That just happens to be my lucky tie. I love that tie. Felicia gave me that tie.

Lewis

Well, there you go. I rest my case.

The other guy should be here.

Lewis

But we don't have to reschedule. I called ahead.

But it seems we have a little problem here.

Lewis

No, we don't. What you have there is everything. Signed, sealed and delivered.

Your pal has a conviction. Misdemeanor gambling from '84.

Munch

I don't... Wouldn't I remember that?

It's this other guy, Bayliss.

Danvers

She has Multiple Personality Disorder. That helps her, not me.

Munch

I got it! Why don't we charge one of the personalities with harboring a fugitive?

My brother got shot.

Munch

But all you heard was a bang?

I got ears like a dog.

Munch

And you've been using us like fire hydrants.