Home Improvement Season 1 quotes

Tim

[after putting out a fire] Who would have guessed that chrome cleaner could be so flammable?

Al

I suppose whoever put the warning on the label, Tim.

Al

I'm just saying that if you send that chain letter, you'll have better luck.

Tim

Al, listen. Having George Foreman on the show, that is good luck. Winning a shovel, that's not good luck. You do not have good luck.

Al, Al, I almost forgot. The heat's broken in my apartment. Can I stay at your place tonight?

In the past month, you have done the following things -- backed a pickup truck into a house, almost electrocuted yourself three times, nailed your shoe to the floor, and glued your head to a table.

Tim

What's your point?

My point is it's not the chain letter that's causing the bad luck, it's you. You're a klutz, isn't that great?

Tim

Honey, I'm thrilled.

[after his wife died] I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and the woman drove me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she loved to line up on a window sill. Every day for 45 years, I used to take those cats off the window sill and put them in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years, she'd take the cats out of the cupboard and put them back on the window sill.

Tim

Where are they now?

On a window sill.

Tim

You didn't throw them out?

What for? [pause] You don't have to understand a woman. All you have to do is love her.

Do you think that Tim is a good listener?

Wilson

Yes! I think Tim is a very good listener.

But does he understand everything you say?

Wilson

I think Tim is a very good listener.

Tim

What are you up to?

Wilson

Just painting a self-portrait.

Tim

Yeah? Of who?

Tim

I'm your prisoner. Do what you will to me, over and over and over.

Let's face it, Tim, with you, when it's over, it's over.

At least Tim helps you out around the house.

Well, of course he does. I trained him. If it weren't for me, he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.

Tim

You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.

Hey, never apologize. It's admitting you're wrong. I have never once apologized to any woman.

Tim

Freddie, how many times you been married?

Three.

Tim

Why do you suppose that is?

I can't find a woman who understands me.

Tim

Sorry, Jill, but to join this game, you need to be able to bench-press 150 pounds. [Al starts to get up] Al, sit down!

Tim

And you'll notice Daddy-O here has a 20-gallon steel cylinder filled with propane. I've increased the outlet valve of this twice over. Which means we'll be cooking with what?

Randy

The Fire Department?

Tim

I was a whiz in math when I was in school. Do you suppose they call those square roots because they're just not that cool?

Tim

We have a very special show for you today.

Al

Does that mean you're not going to break anything, Tim?

Tim

Maybe just your contract, buddy.

Tim

Man's speakers, that's what I'm after. Speakers with attitude. Speakers that haven't shaved in a couple of days.