Autolycus quotes from Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Autolycus

Gimme some sugar, baby.

Autolycus

What's the matter, Discord? Chicken?

Jerkules is your partner? Oh, what kind of goody-two-shoes did you turn into?!

Autolycus

You watch your mouth.

Oh, why? Is little-goody-two-shoes embarrassed, huh? (singing) "Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes, Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes..."

Autolycus

I ain't that good. I know this is a huge shock, Hercules, but at one time, I was actually...obnoxious.

Cupcake

I'm so sorry.

Autolycus

Think nothing of it, my dear. Why, the world is just a chaotic stage, just teaming with activity. A little bump-and-grind here and there is to be expected.

Cupcake

Well, gee-- I never thought of it that way, Mister. I guess you're right.

Autolycus

Why, where are my manners? Huh! I forgot to introduce myself. Pharsiferus Von Baklava, Esquire, at your service.

Cupcake

Ahh! Golly! I have never had an esquire at my service before. I'm Cupcake. Oh-- is that your dog?

Autolycus

Why, yes it is. Cupcake, meet Creampuff. I named her after my greatest culinary creation.

Cupcake

You-- invented the Creampuff?

Autolycus

I certainly did. I own a string of bakeries all across Greece. Oh, gods forgive me, but I am a slave to my sweet-tooth.

Cupcake

Ahh-- you don't say.

Autolycus

Oh, I do-be-do-- but the money, the castles-- that can't mean a thing to me until I know all the animals of the world are safe and happy. I guess that's why I turned my gardens into a-- sanctuary for abused wildlife.

Cupcake

You mean-- you care about animals that much?

Autolycus

How could I not? Just look at that face.

Cupcake

Oooh.

Autolycus

There, there-- I rescued Creampuff, here, from a band of murderous pirates.

Cupcake

Oh, my. That sounds so dangerous.

Autolycus

It was, Cupcake-- very-- very dangerous.

Cupcake

Oh-- wow. It's not every day that I meet an-- animal-loving, dare-devil, pastry mogul with a sweet-tooth like mine.

Autolycus

Hercules! Ah, whatever your name is. What a pleasant surprise!

Hercules

I wish I could say the same, Autolycus. Isn't stealing the king's gold a little beneath you?

Autolycus

How good of you to notice. You see, I figure, every so often, a fella just has to go back to basics. Besides, the king, ahh, he's plenty rich. What about the needs of the people?

Iolaus

Oh, come on! You don't care about the people.

Autolycus

Of course, I do. I happen to be one of them. Well, as much as I've enjoyed this little reunion, I haven't enjoyed it that much. Good day.

Hercules

Where's Artemis' bow?

Autolycus

Ah, my fame spreads like wildfire.

Iolaus

Nope, like a bad rash.

Autolycus

Listen, you and I both know if the big guy could talk, he would tell us not to stick our necks out for him. Besides, he loves being a pig. Just look at the little guy. (Iolaus pushes him up against a tree)

Iolaus

This is all just a joke to you, isn't it?

Autolycus

You little— (Iolaus pushes him up against the tree again)

Iolaus

Well, let me tell you something, buddy. Hercules is the best friend I ever had. And yeah, you're right, he wouldn't want us to risk our necks to save him, which is exactly why we're going to. Now, he'd do the same for me – even for you.

Autolycus

Well, much as I hate to admit it, you've got a point.

Iolaus

Right. Now, come on.

Autolycus

Just one more thing, buddy-boy. You touch me again and I'll—

Iolaus

What?

Autolycus

I'll… be just as upset then as I am now?

Iolaus

Yeah, you'd sell your own mother if the price was right.

Iolaus

The truth hurts, doesn't it?

Autolycus

Yeah, so does my fist.

Autolycus

You know, for your information, if you had trusted me back there, Hercules would be safe and sound right about now.

Iolaus

Yeah, or maybe you'da sold him off to the highest bidder.

Autolycus

Ha-ha-ha. You've got me all wrong, Curly. You know, I may be a thief, but there are some things that even I won't do.

Iolaus

Like what?!

Autolycus

Like… I won't drink red wine with fish.

Iolaus

Ah!

Autolycus

I won't eat the horse I rode in on. And I would never, never sell out a friend, which, of course, does not apply to you.

Why is that pig dressed like Hercules?

Iolaus

Well—

Autolycus

Allow me to explain. You see, who's to say one lifestyle is better than another? Why, just the other day, I ran into a gnome – a little fella—

Iolaus

Will you shut up?!