Helluva Boss · Season 1
[Robo-Fizz calls him out] Bitch, I make more money killing people than you do being a cheap-ass robo-ripoff of an overrated sell-out JESTER!
Oooh, [glitches as he says this] someone's salty! Real or not, though, people looove me! Does anybody looove you, Blitzo?
No. But I'm really good with guns now! [loads his assault rifle with a new magazine] Dance, bitch!
[to someone who takes his parking spot] Oh, you "Suck 4 Life", do ya?! [pulls out a megaphone] Listen up, you unoriginal pink cum-dump! You've got exactly three seconds to get the fuck out of my spot or, [he realizes that the driver is his ex girlfriend, Verosika Mayday] Oh, SHIT! Verosika?!
Blitzo.
I should have known you'd be here. I can smell fish for miles, which is odd, because I believe the nearest ocean is THREE RINGS DOWN!
And I should have known you'd be here when I heard the Amber Alerts.
[regarding Verosika; quietly] Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that.
[from the van] You know Verosika Mayday?!
Huh? Oh, yeah, her. Yeah, we dated.
[popping out of the van with Moxxie] Was that before or after she became a pop star?
You dated a pop star?!
Okay, why are you all acting like that's such a shock?
Hello, it's Verosika Mayday?
It's you?
I just... Is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage?
Okay, look, you are all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't pry into your stupid personal lives.
YOU DO THAT ALL THE TIME, SIR!
Come on, you kinda do that.
You totally do that.
[grinning naughtily] What was sex with her like?
[taken aback] Millie!
What?! It's a pop star! You'd wanna know what sex with Michael Crawford was like!
... Touché.
Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time?
Absolutely not, I forbid it. Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie, spring break is no place for young vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of FREAKS up there who'd drool all over you!
[Blitz, Loona, Moxxie and Millie all give the camera disapproving looks]
FUCK, BLITZ!!! WHY CAN'TYOU STAY OUT OF MY FACE FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES?!!
Because I adopted you! And that should mean something!
Oh, what does it matter?! You’re not my real dad! I was almost eighteen!
It still counts!
Well, it shouldn't! I didn't need you then, asshole! I don't now!
[Loona is talking with Verosika's hellhound, Vortex]
Am I interrupting something here?
[calmly] Nah, man. Just a conversation.
Conversation leads to HPV!
[after being dunked in a beer keg by humans] A human called me a possum. I am not a possum.
[Loopty Goopty smashes his way into I.M.P.'s office]
Do not be afraid!
Please tell me you got that insurance thing.
[taking out her axe] Who are you, and what do you want?!
I am Loopty Goopty! Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!
Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn't need to be this whole thing.
I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric SHIIIIT!
[sniffs him] Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?
YEEEEES! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me HEEEERE!
Just sayin' - the front door would've gotten you here fine.
Shut up, dear furry!
Look around, Lyle. God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age! [winks] Or wealth!
If you were to end your life, you'd be missing all of this!
[in a tiger costume] Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks? [makes a suggestive gesture with his fingers]
[gasps] That is so inappropriate!
[in a cat costume] Oh, kiss our ass, prude! [flips her off]
OMJ, Loona? Lunatic Loona? That you?
Uh, yeah. It's Loona, yeah.
Wow, I can't believe you're showing up to another party. I mean, do you even remember the last one?
[becoming annoyed] I'm sure you'll remind me.
Yeah, this...[taps on her phone and shows a picture of Loona throwing up] This you, right?
[Angrily growling, through clenched teeth] Why do you still have that?
It brings me joy. You know, you're supposed to keep things that bring you joy. [Loona growls louder, baring her teeth] Wow, you're being very negative. Your aura is really aggressive right now.
Oh yeah? Well, maybe it's because I'm in the presence of a massive BITCH!
[Partygoers gasp; Vikki nearly faints dramatically]
Oh...my dog. Wow.
What?! Is that not an okay thing to say? Like, c'mon, it's true!
[offscreen] You can't say that.
[Loona angrily frowns]
[Approaches Vortex & Loona after her song] Ow-ow! Vortex! The party is buzzing now, FUCK! I feel like I went a little too hard with the confetti this time, though. I have, like, a rainbow in my vagina right now. [Loona's jaw drops; Bee notices her for the first time] Oh, hey, is this the sweet pup you were telling me about?
Excuse me?
She's a fucking cutie! Where've you been hiding, girl? [chuckles]
Is there something funny?
Nah, I'm just high on all of this tasty energy right now! Tex says you don't get invited out much. I hope this little itty-bitty gettogether could serve as a fun first time.
[sees another party attendee slide down the stair railing and hitting his groin on the newel post before falling over; unamused] Mmhmm.
I would've thrown a bigger one, but I couldn't convince Belphagor to let me break into her stash of party drugs. SO fucking lame. I mean, I usually just steal them, but Belle changed the locks. She says I'm a total jackass for trying, but hey–I'm proud to be a total jackass. [creates a bottle of beer and chugs it down]
[Looking for Blitzo in the middle of the party] Blitz! Blitz! Where are you, shithead?! Blitz!
[Sees Blitzo making out with another guy]
OH, PISS ON A DICK!
[Loona drives her and a drunk Blitzo from the party]
...Do you need to throw up?
[Almost like a pouty child] No.
Heh, yeah, you do.
[Loona carries Blitzo into their apartment, laying him on the couch, then returning with a blanket and a glass of water]
I had a really shitty day.
Yeah? Is that why you drank, like, 5 gallons' worth of who-knows-what?
Fuck, Fizz was right: I'm gonna die alone, aren't I? Just a wrinkly, old, withered waste. [Loona gives a look of concern] Will you be there, Loonie?
Be where?
[Mumbling] I dunno, just...lonely...die alone...
[Covers Blitzo with the blanket] I'll be there...Dad. Now go the fuck to sleep, okay? [Goes to her bedroom]
[Mumbling] Millie...Moxxie...Stolas...[Lifts his head and vomits heavily on the floor] Fuck! Yeah, I did need to throw up.
[Sees Stolas is calling him while he's driving the van with a nervous Loona in the passenger seat, Millie and Moxxie in the back] Oh, shit. [Answers the phone] Stolas, it's really not a good time, buddy.
Sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy, but...I seem to have found myself in a bit of a cinch. I'm tied at the back of a horse at the moment.
Pfff, lucky bitch.
Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by that little cowboy friend of yours.
Oh, which one?
How many cowboys do you know?! [to Stolas] What does he look like, your highness?
[Takes a long look] Hmmm, sexy?
[To Blitzo] That's Striker, sir!
Oh, for fuck's sake...
[Walking into the doctor/vet, dragging a frightened Loona by the tail] Christ on a stick, of all the days for (Stolas) to get his stupid feathered ass kidnapped; I've waited FIVE FUCKING YEARS for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE! [Sees a woman with her pet in the waiting room] Hi, the fuck you looking at?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Helluva Boss pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
