Blitzo quotes from Helluva Boss

Blitzo

[Walking into the doctor/vet, dragging a frightened Loona by the tail] Christ on a stick, of all the days for (Stolas) to get his stupid feathered ass kidnapped; I've waited FIVE FUCKING YEARS for this appointment! FUCK ME IN MY LITTLE RED HOLE! [Sees a woman with her pet in the waiting room] Hi, the fuck you looking at?

Blitzo

Eat this, and you know that bridge over the freeway?

Loona

Yeah?

Blitzo

SHIT OFF IT.

Blitzo

[regarding Verosika; quietly] Ugh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that.

Loona

[from the van] You know Verosika Mayday?!

Blitzo

Huh? Oh, yeah, her. Yeah, we dated.

Millie

[popping out of the van with Moxxie] Was that before or after she became a pop star?

Moxxie

You dated a pop star?!

Blitzo

Okay, why are you all acting like that's such a shock?

Loona

Hello, it's Verosika Mayday?

Millie

It's you?

Moxxie

I just... Is she blind? Suffering some form of brain damage?

Blitzo

Okay, look, you are all making this into a way bigger deal than it needs to be. I don't pry into your stupid personal lives.

Moxxie

YOU DO THAT ALL THE TIME, SIR!

Millie

Come on, you kinda do that.

Loona

You totally do that.

Millie

[grinning naughtily] What was sex with her like?

Moxxie

[taken aback] Millie!

Millie

What?! It's a pop star! You'd wanna know what sex with Michael Crawford was like!

Moxxie

... Touché.

Do not be afraid!

Blitzo

Please tell me you got that insurance thing.

Millie

[taking out her axe] Who are you, and what do you want?!

I am Loopty Goopty! Dastardly inventor of all things loopy and loopish!

Loona

Coulda just used the door, dude. Doesn't need to be this whole thing.

I am eccentric, and must therefore do eccentric SHIIIIT!

Blitzo

[sniffs him] Ugh! This old fuck reeks of the living world. Did you just die?

YEEEEES! Moments ago, in fact! Which is what brought me HEEEERE!

Loona

Just sayin' - the front door would've gotten you here fine.

Shut up, dear furry!

Look around, Lyle. God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age! [winks] Or wealth!

If you were to end your life, you'd be missing all of this!

Blitzo

[in a tiger costume] Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks? [makes a suggestive gesture with his fingers]

[gasps] That is so inappropriate!

Millie

[in a cat costume] Oh, kiss our ass, prude! [flips her off]

Loona

...Do you need to throw up?

Blitzo

[Almost like a pouty child] No.

Loona

Heh, yeah, you do.

Blitzo

I had a really shitty day.

Loona

Yeah? Is that why you drank, like, 5 gallons' worth of who-knows-what?

Blitzo

Fuck, Fizz was right: I'm gonna die alone, aren't I? Just a wrinkly, old, withered waste. [Loona gives a look of concern] Will you be there, Loonie?

Loona

Be where?

Blitzo

[Mumbling] I dunno, just...lonely...die alone...

Loona

[Covers Blitzo with the blanket] I'll be there...Dad. Now go the fuck to sleep, okay? [Goes to her bedroom]

Blitzo

[Mumbling] Millie...Moxxie...Stolas...[Lifts his head and vomits heavily on the floor] Fuck! Yeah, I did need to throw up.

Blitzo

[Sees Stolas is calling him while he's driving the van with a nervous Loona in the passenger seat, Millie and Moxxie in the back] Oh, shit. [Answers the phone] Stolas, it's really not a good time, buddy.

Stolas

Sorry it's a bad time yet again, Blitzy, but...I seem to have found myself in a bit of a cinch. I'm tied at the back of a horse at the moment.

Blitzo

Pfff, lucky bitch.

Stolas

Um, well, no. Rather unlucky. I seem to have been stolen by that little cowboy friend of yours.

Blitzo

Oh, which one?

Moxxie

How many cowboys do you know?! [to Stolas] What does he look like, your highness?

Stolas

[Takes a long look] Hmmm, sexy?

Moxxie

[To Blitzo] That's Striker, sir!

Blitzo

Oh, for fuck's sake...