“Episode One” quotes from Hell's Kitchen

What I have here is a grilled hickory-rubbed watermelon.

Seriously? You had forty-five minutes to make me anything, and you grill me a slice of fucking melon?

Yes, chef.

The rub doesn't work. I'm disappointed, it's underwhelming! One! (to Fernando) Okay, young man, could you take your glasses off for one minute? How old are you?

Twenty-eight.

Stop! Harry Potter looks older! [audience laughs] Jesus, are you on a diet?

It's enough.

It's enough?!

It's enough.

[laughs along with the audience and contestants] For you or me?

Oh, shit!

Okay, so what's the dish?

Pan-seared pigeon, chef, with a sweet potato purée and a California fig and balsamic reduction.

You cooked the squab beautifully. Purée's just absolutely sublime. Congratulations, four.

Thank you, chef.

Young man, first name is...

Frank.

And you're Italian, right?

That's correct.

Tell me what amazing Italian dish you have under that dome.

[removes lid] It's a filet mignon Bordelaise.

Filet mignon Bordelaise. Does that sound Italian?

No, not Italian at all.

[picks up bone] Frank, where's the dog? [audience laughs]

Well, I mean, you've never had bone marrow before?

Well, normally they take it out of the fucking bone!

Really?

Uh, yeah. So... (takes out bone marrow with a knife) let's take out the bone marrow. Now it looks like the dog shat on my plate! Wish me luck.

This is all bad. Uh, one.

I'm sorry.

Hey Janai!

Yes, chef?

Two times five?

(interview) Uhh... (laughs)

Ten.

Are you okay?! I'm missing two scallops! (Janai laughs) Not funny!

(interview; laughs)

Hey, HEY! All of you, come here! Look at that! Touch that! Look at what you're giving me!

They're raw.

It's still fucking moving! [smashes the scallops]

Sorry, chef.

Raw lobster!

That was my fault chef.

JESUS CHRIST!!

I'm dropping three more.

JP!

Yes, chef?

JUST PATHETIC!! JR!

Yes, chef?

JUST RIDICULOUS!!

You’re sabotaging us! Thank you for the fucking snowball! ASSHOLES!!! [double flips]

Two chicken, two halibut!

(to JR) We don't have another halibut. We can't serve that one, dude.

Push them!!

HOW LONG DO YOU GUYS NEED ON THAT HALIBUT?!

Right now, chef! (interview) Fuck it. I'll bring it up. Whatever. (to Gordon) Here's two pieces of halibut.

[examines JP's fish] Oh, what have you done there? It's fucking... (to blue team) Blue team! (to JP) Come here, you!

Yes, chef.

(to Steve) Chicken's cooked perfectly.

Thank you, chef.

Look what's next to it, on the same fucking table! Look at that!

(interview) Everything's fucked up in front of us. It's nuts.

And that is an example of the shit that's been coming out of that station all [slams fist on plate] FUCKING NIGHT. (to JP and JR) You, and you fuck off upstairs. GET OUT! FUCK OFF! GET OUT!

Blue team! I cannot take ONE MORE MISTAKE!

Yes, chef!

GET IT TOGETHER!

Yes, chef!

(interview) I still believe my team can do it. I believe we're gonna do it!

Halibut!

Walking!

Holy fuck! ALL OF YOU, COME HERE!

Yes, chef.

Fucking halibut's raw and cold.

That was my fault chef.

Yeah, FUCK off. [angrily throws the halibut away; points to every member of the Blue team] You, you, you, you, you, you and you FUCK OFF! GET OUT. GET OUT!