[Joffrey orders a man killed after getting hit with a cow pie, which instantly provokes a riot. The Kingsguard rush Joffrey and Tyrion to safety behind closed doors]
[after barely escaping the angry mob] Traitors! I'll have all their heads!
Oh, you blind, bloody fool!
We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
They threw a cow pie at you! So you decided to kill them all?! They're starving, you fool! All because of the war you started!
YOU'RE TALKING TO A KING!!
[slaps Joffrey] And now I've struck a king! Did my hand fall from my wrist?! Where is the Stark girl?
If she dies, you'll never get your Uncle Jaime back. You owe him quite a bit, you know!
Ser Rodrik! I sentence you to death!
No! You said no harm would come to them if I yielded!
The old man couldn't keep his mouth shut.
I urge you not to make a hasty decision.
He disrespected me in front of my men! That was his decision, not mine.
He's worth more to you alive than dead. The Starks will pay. Please, Theon, think on what you do.
You'll address me as Prince Theon, or you'll be next.
[The Ironborn drag Rodrik across the courtyard to the block as the crowd protests]
Theon! Please! Rodrik! Please stop, please!
He who passes the sentence should swing the sword!
[Theon pauses, then nods to the Ironborn, who force Rodrik to kneel. Theon motions Dagmer back and draws his sword]
You don't give commands anymore, little lord.
Hush now, child. I'm off to see your father.
You said no harm would come! You said no harm would come to them, please!
Gods help you, Theon Greyjoy. Now, you are truly lost.
Please, don't! I'll do anything! Please!
RSRickon Stark
No, please stop it!
[Theon swings his sword but it takes him three more strikes and a kick to finally behead Rodrik]
You are a gracious host, but there is no servant alive that can bring me what I want.
SKSpice King
Oh, she has a talent for drama, this one. So, my little princess, what is it you want?
My birthright. The Seven Kingdoms of Westeros.
SKSpice King
I fear I'm no better than a servant in this regard. I cannot give you what I do not have.
I'm not asking you for the kingdoms. I'm asking you for ships.
SKSpice King
I need to cross the Narrow Sea. I need my ships as well. I use them, you see, to bring spices from one port to another.
Whatever you grant me now will be repaid three times over when I retake the Iron Throne.
SKSpice King
Retake? Did you once sit on the Iron Throne?
My father sat there before he was murdered.
SKSpice King
But if you did not sit on it yourself, would it not be correct to say, "take the Iron Throne?"
I didn't come here to argue grammar.
SKSpice King
Of course not. You came to take my ships. So let me explain my position, little princess. Unlike you, I do not have exalted ancestors. I make my living by trade. And I judge every trade on its merits. You ask for ships. You say I shall be repaid triple. I do not doubt your honesty or your intentions. But before you repay your debts, you must seize the Seven Kingdoms. Do you have an army?
SKSpice King
You do not have an army. Do you have powerful allies in Westeros?
There are many there that support my claim.
SKSpice King
When were you there last?
I left when I was a baby.
SKSpice King
So in truth, you have no allies.
The people will rise to fight for their rightful queen when I return.
SKSpice King
Ah... Forgive me, little princess, but I cannot make an investment based on wishes and dreams. Now, if you'll pardon me.
Do you know lllyrio Mopatis, Magister of Pentos?
SKSpice King
Yes, we've met. A shrewd man.
For my wedding, he gave me three petrified dragon eggs. He believed the world believed that the ages had turned them to stone.
SKSpice King
How many centuries has it been since dragons roamed the skies?
But I dreamt that if I carried those eggs into a great fire, they would hatch. When I stepped into the fire, my own people thought I was mad. But when the fire burned out, I was unhurt. The Mother of Dragons. [pause] Do you understand? I'm no ordinary woman. My dreams come true.
SKSpice King
I admire your passion. But in business, I trust in logic, not passion. I'm sorry, little princess.
I am not your little princess! I am Daenerys Stormborn of the blood of Old Valyria, and I will take what is mine! With fire and blood, I will take it!
SKSpice King
Yes, my lady. But not with my ships.
[Robb Stark learns that Theon Greyjoy has betrayed him and seized Winterfell]
We've had ravens from White Harbour, Barrowtown and the Dreadfort, my lord. I'm afraid it is true.
Because the Greyjoys are treasonous whores.
We've heard nothing of them... but Rodrik Cassell is dead.
I told you, never trust a Greyjoy!
There's still a war to win, Your Grace!
How can I call myself King if I can't hold my own castle? How can I ask men to follow me if...
You are a king! And that means you don't have to do everything yourself.
Let me go and talk to Theon.
There will be no talk, he will die for this!
Theon holds the castle with a skeleton crew. Let me send word to my bastard at the Dreadfort; he can raise a few hundred men and retake Winterfell before the new moon. We have the Lannisters on the run; if you march all the way back north now, you lose what you gained. My boy would be honoured to bring you Prince Theon's head.
Tell your son Bran and Rickon's safety is paramount. And Theon... I want him brought to me alive. I want to look him in the eye and ask him why, and then I will take his head myself!
I shouldn't have left you alone with these people.
They are not to be trusted.
Who is to be trusted? Who are my people? The Targaryens? I only knew one: My brother, and he would have let a thousand men rape me if it would have gotten him the crown. The Dothraki? Most of them turned on me the day that Khal Drogo fell from his horse.
Your people are in Westeros.
The people in Westeros don't know I'm alive!
And then what? They'll pray for my return? They'll wave dragon banners and shout my name? That's what my brother believed and he's a fool.
You are not your brother. Trust me, Khaleesi.
There it is: trust me. And it's you I should trust, Ser Jorah? Only you? I don't need trust any longer. I don't want it and I don't have room for it.
You are too young to be so...
And you are too familiar!
Forgive me, Khaleesi. No one can survive in this world without help. No one. Let me help you, please. Tell me how.
Wolfsbane, a rare substance. This is no common assassin.
GCGregor Clegane
We hung twenty men last night.
I don't care if you hanged a hundred. A man tried to kill me. I want his name, and I want his head.
GCGregor Clegane
We think it was an infiltrator, from the Brotherhood Without Banners.
A pretentious name for a band of outlaws. We can't allow rebels behind our lines to harass us with impunity; we look like fools, and they look like heroes. That's how kings fall. I want them dead, every one.
GCGregor Clegane
Killing them isn't the problem. It's finding them.
You gone soft, Clegane? I always thought you had a talent for violence. Burn the villages, burn the farms. Let them know what it means to choose the wrong side.
You think we're savages because we don't live in stone castles. We can't make steel as good as yours, it's true, but We're free. If someone tried to tell us we couldn't lie down as man and woman, we'd shove a spear up his arse. We don't go serving some shit king who's only king because his father was.
No. No, you serve Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall.
We chose Mance Rayder to lead us. He was a crow, same as you, but he wanted to be free. Now, you could be free, too. You don't need to live your whole life taking commands from old men. Wake up when you want to wake up. I could show you the streams to fish, the woods to hunt. Build yourself a cabin and find a woman to lie with in the night. [gets closer to Jon] You're a pretty lad. Girls will claw each other's eyes out to get naked with you.
I could teach you how to do it.
You know nothing, Jon Snow.
It's just you, me and Joffrey, the "Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm".
I'm sure you'll make a point eventually.
He needs to start acting like a king! This war you started is coming to our doorstep and if the entire city wants Joffrey dead–
I'm not the one giving the boy whores to abuse!
I thought the girls might help him.
I was wrong! If we can't control him–
Do you think I haven't tried? He doesn't listen to me!
[nodding] It's hard to put a leash on a dog once you've put a crown on its head.
I always hoped he'd be like Jaime. He looks like him, in a certain light.
The boy's more Robert than Jaime.
Robert was a drunken fool, but he didn't enjoy cruelty. Sometimes, I wonder...
If this is the price for what we've done. For our sins.
Wed brother and sister for hundreds of years, I know. It's what Jaime and I would say to each other in our moments of doubt. It's what I told Ned Stark when he was stupid enough to confront me. Half the Targaryens went mad, didn't they? What's the saying? "Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods flip a coin."
You've beaten the odds. Tommen and Myrcella are good, decent children, both of them.
Come to say goodbye, Lady Stark? I believe it's my last night in this world. [looks at Brienne] Is that a woman?
Do you hear them out there? They want your head.
Well, old Lord Karstark doesn't seem to like me.
You strangled his son with your chains.
Oh. Oh, was he the one on guard duty? He was in my way. Any knight would have done the same.
You are no knight. You have forsaken every vow you ever took.
So many vows. They make you swear and swear. Defend the King, obey the King, obey your father, protect the innocent, defend the weak. But what if your father despises the King? What if the King massacres the innocent? It's too much. No matter what you do, you're forsaking one vow or another. Where did you find this beast?
She is a truer knight than you will ever be, Kingslayer.
Kingslayer. And what a King he was! Here's to Aerys Targaryen, the second of his name, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, and to the sword I shoved in his back!
You are a man without honour.
Do you know I've never been with any woman but Cersei? So in my own way, I have more honour than poor old dead Ned. What was the name of the bastard he fathered?
No, that wasn't it. Snow, a bastard from the North. Now when–when good old Ned came home with some whore's baby, did you pretend to love it? No. You're not very good at pretending. You're an honest woman. You hated that boy, didn't you? How could you not hate him? The walking, talking reminder that the honourable Lord Eddard Stark fucked another woman.
You should be proud of your brother's achievement. I took the great castle of Winterfell with twenty men.
You're a great warrior. I saw the bodies above your gates. Which one gave you the tougher fight, the cripple or the six-year-old?
I treated the Stark boys with honour and they repaid me with treachery.
You treated them with honour by butchering them?
Before I had to kill them, I treated them...
You seized their home, as is your right. We're Ironborn; we take what we need.
Then, you made them prisoners in their home and they ran away. Is that treachery? I'd call it bravery.
Your little boy prisoners made you a promise and you got mad when they broke it? Are you the dumbest cunt alive?
A cunt. A dumb cunt who killed the only two Starks in Winterfell. You know how valuable those boys were?
If I hadn't killed them, the Northerners would think me weak.
You are weak. And you're stupid.
I understand why the older families look down at me.
Sons of lords don't like to break bread with sons of crabbers; our hands stink.
And where were those lords when Storm's End starved?!
Many fought bravely for your brother. Many fought for the Mad King.
You defend these men who insult you behind your back.
Some are happy to do it to my face.
We were forgotten. Robert and Ned Stark, they were the heroes, the glorious rebels. Marching from battle to battle, liberating towns from the yoke of the Mad King while I held Storm's End with five hundred men.
No one's forgotten, Your Grace.
No? Robert did. He gave Storm's End to Renly after the war. Renly never fought a day in his life!
Then, why give him Storm's End? First, we ate the horses. We weren't riding anywhere, not with the castle surrounded. We couldn't feed them, so fine. The horses, then the cats. I've never liked cats, so fine. I do like dogs, good animals, loyal, but we ate them, too. Then, the rats. The night before you slipped through, I thought my wife was dying. She couldn't speak anymore, she was so frail. And then you made it through the lines, slipped right through in your little black sail boat with your onions...
And some potatoes. Some salted beef, I believe.
Every man at Storm's End wanted to kiss you that night.
I was relieved they did not.
Robert told me to hold Storm's End, so I held it. Then, he told me he was giving it to Renly, so I gave it up. Insult or no, I gave it up because Robert was my older brother and he was the King and I've always done my duty. But now, I am the rightful king by every law of Westeros. And when I sit the Iron Throne, you will be my Hand.
Your Grace, I pray I serve you well.
I expect you'll be the first crabber's son to wear the badge.
Do you think I'm an idiot?
I'd say you possess above average intelligence.
You shipped off my only daughter. Now you want to send my eldest son to the battlefield to die?
He'll have his Kingsguard protecting him, he has the finest armour gold can buy. He needs to be out there. The men will fight more fiercely seeing their King fighting beside them, instead of hiding behind his mother's skirts.
Do you know why Varys is so dangerous?
Because he has thousands of spies in his employ? Because he knows everything we do before we do it?
Because he doesn't have a cock.
Perhaps I'm dangerous, too. You, on the other hand, are as big a fool as every other man. That little worm between your legs does half your thinking for you.
It's not that little. [Cersei laughs humourlessly] Why are you laughing?
Because I have your little whore.
I thought you preferred blondes.
Such a droll little fellow. Tell me, have you married this one yet? No? Good, Father will be so pleased!
Why do you care who I fuck?
Because a Lannister always pays her debts. You stole my daughter, you plot to have Joffrey killed.
This is madness. Stannis will be here in days. You need me.
For what? Your skill in battle? Pretty thing, your whore. Lovely body; the bruises will heal in time...
Varys isn't the only one who hears whispers. Really, a Lannister lion necklace? You need to hide your secret whores more carefully.
You've forgotten the most important thing about whores.
Oh? Well, you're the expert, tell me.
You don't buy them, you only rent them.
You're usually a better liar, baby brother. This one you like. You like her very much. Could it be love? Don't worry, she'll be treated gently enough... unless Joffrey is hurt, and then every wound he suffers, she'll suffer too. And if he dies, there isn't a man alive who could advise a more painful death for your little cunt.
And how do I know you haven't killed her already?
You'd like to see her? I thought you might. Ser Mandon, bring in my brother's whore.
[Two Kingsguard knights drag in a beaten Ros]
I'm sorry they hurt you. You must be brave. I promise, I will free you.
[The knights drag her out. Tyrion turns to face a grinning Cersei]
I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth... and you will know the debt is paid.
You're the Master of Whisperers. You're supposed to know everything.
No man can be in all rooms at all times. I have many little birds in the North, my lord, but I haven't heard their songs since Theon Greyojoy captured Winterfell.
The Stark forces are distracted. Now is the time to strike.
To strike? My dear nephew, you do see these men preparing the walls for siege? You do understand Stannis Baratheon sails this way?
If my Uncle Stannis lands on the shores of King's Landing, I'll ride out to greet him.
A brave choice, Your Grace. I'm sure your men will line up behind you.
They say Stannis never smiles. I'll give him a red smile, from ear to ear. [walks away]
Imagine Stannis's terror!
[Tyrion and Bronn are planning for Stannis' invasion]
My lord Hand. Commander. I must compliment you on the Gold Cloaks' performance these past few weeks. Did you know there has been a marked drop in thievery?
I did not know. [to Bronn] And how did you accomplish this "marked drop in thievery"?
Me and the lads rounded up all the known thieves.
[sharply] For questioning?
Uh, no. [Varys looks shocked] It's just the unknown thieves we need to worry about now.
Aye, we talked about it. Have you ever been in a city under siege? Maybe this part's not in your books. See, it's not the fighting that kills most people, it's the starving. Food's worth more than gold. Noble ladies sell their diamonds for a sack of potatoes. Things get bad enough, the poor start eating each other. The thieves? They love a siege. Soon as the gates are sealed, they steal all the food. By the time it's all over, they're the richest men in town.
Given the circumstances, my lord, I believe extreme measures are warranted. [sees what Tyrion is reading] Ahh, The Great Sieges of Westeros. Thrilling subject. Shame Archmaester Ch'Vyalthan wasn't a better writer.
[unrolls a map of King's Landing] Stannis knows King's Landing. He knows where the walls are strongest, and he knows which gates are weakest. Mud Gate... good ram will batter it down in minutes, and it's only fifty yards from the water. That's where he'll land.
And if Stannis does attack the Mud Gate, what is our plan?
We could throw books at his men.
We don't have that many books.
We don't have that many men, either.
[glances up at Bronn] Pig shit.
