Fleabag quotes from Fleabag

Fleabag

Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called? Twat nav.

Claire

Don't make this fun!

SLUTS!

Fleabag

[looking round, surprised] Yes?

Bank manager

They keep asking me, "What do you want from this workshop? What do you want?" I'm not telling them what I want. I want to move back home. I want to hug my wife, protect my children, protect my daughter. I want to move on. I want to apologise, to everyone. Want to go to the theatre. I want to take clean cups out of the dishwasher and put them in the cupboard at home and the next morning, I want to watch my wife drink from them. And I want to make her feel good. I want to make her orgasm again. And again. Truly.

Fleabag

I just want to cry. All the time.

Bank manager

Cafes are a very difficult business. You've certainly made this one very unique.

Fleabag

I also fucked it into liquidation.

Bank manager

OK.

Fleabag

And I fucked up my family.

Bank manager

Did you?

Fleabag

And I fucked my friend by fucking her boyfriend.

Bank manager

Right...

Fleabag

And sometimes I wish I didn't even know that fucking existed. And I know that my body, as it is now, really is the only thing I have left, and when that gets old and unfuckable I may as well just kill it. And somehow there isn't anything worse than someone who doesn't want to fuck me. I fuck everything. Except for when I was in your office, I really wasn't trying to have sex. You know, either everyone feels like this a little bit, and they're just not talking about it, or I'm completely fucking alone. Which isn't fucking funny.

Bank manager

People make mistakes.

Fleabag

It's why they put rubbers on the ends of pencils.

Bank manager

Is that a joke?

Fleabag

I don't know.

Fleabag

There's always a stage when someone's falling in love with you that they lose their erection. They get confused, they panic, the stakes get too high, the blood rushes from their dick to their heart.

Oh, Jesus.

Fleabag

And everything is fucked.

Claire

Putting pine nuts on your salad doesn't make you a grown-up.

Fleabag

[aside] Fucking does!

So, why do you think your father suggested you come for counselling?

Fleabag

I think because my mother died and he can't talk about it and my sister and I didn't speak for a year because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband and because I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart. [aside] I'm good at this!

Do you really want to fuck the priest, or do you want to fuck God?

Fleabag

Can you fuck God?

Oh yes.

Fleabag

Look, just please tell me how to not fuck a priest. Before I get arrested.

Women are born with pain built in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don't. They have to seek it out. They invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we also do very well on our own. And then they create wars, so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren't any wars they can play rugby. And we have it all going on in here, inside. We have pain on a cycle for years and years and years and then, just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens? The menopause comes. The fucking menopause comes and it is the most most wonderful fucking thing in the world! And, yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get fucking hot and no-one cares, but then you're free. No longer a slave, no longer a machine, with parts. You're just a person in business.

Fleabag

Oh. I was told it was horrendous.

It is horrendous, but then it's magnificent.

Claire

You'll always be fine. You'll always be interesting, with your quirky cafe and your dead best friend. You just make me feel like I've failed.

Fleabag

Claire...

Claire

If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.

Fleabag

It's huge!

Fleabag

Do you think I should become a Catholic?

The Priest

No, don't do that. I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.

The Priest

Celibacy is a lot less complicated than romantic relationships.

Fleabag

What if you meet someone you like?

The Priest

I talk and drink and laugh and give them Bibles, and hope they eventually leave me alone.

The Priest

I'd really like to be your friend, though.

Fleabag

I'd like to be your friend, too. [aside] We'll last a week.

The Priest

[spooked] What was THAT!?

Fleabag

What?

The Priest

Where did... where did you just go?

Fleabag

What?

The Priest

You just went somewhere.

The Priest

There! There! Where did you just go?

Fleabag

Nowhere.

The Priest

Why would you believe in something awful when you could believe in something wonderful?

Fleabag

Don't make me an optimist, you will ruin my life.