Fleabag quotes from Fleabag

Fleabag

[About her stepmother] To be fair, she is not an evil stepmother. She's just a cunt.

Fleabag

You know that feeling when a guy sends you a text at two o'clock on a Tuesday night asking if he can come and find you and you've accidentally made it out like you've just got in yourself so you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business, suspender belt the whole bit and wait by the door til the buzzer goes?

Fleabag

Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures, start fucking our godmother and eventually stop calling.

Fleabag

Boo's death hit the papers. "Local cafe girl gets hit by a bike. And a car. And another bike."

Fleabag

I'm not obsessed with sex, I just can't stop thinking about it. The performance of it. The awkwardness of it. The drama of it. The moment you realise someone wants your body. Not so much the feeling of it.

Fleabag

I masturbate a lot these days. Especially when I'm bored. Or angry. Or upset. Or happy.

Fleabag

I mean, the man's got a problem. But no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin. He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence because he was "just being fun".

Fleabag

"Chic" means boring. Don't tell the French.

Fleabag

Quaker meeting. You're not allowed to speak. If the Spirit moves you to speak, you have to stand up and share it with everyone. It's very intense. It's very quiet. It's very, very erotic.

Fleabag

Hair is everything. We wish it wasn't, so we could actually think about something else occasionally, but it is. It's the difference between a good day and a bad day. We're meant to think that it's a symbol of power. That it's a symbol of fertility. Some people are exploited for it and it pays your fucking bills! Hair is everything, Anthony.

So I pose the question to the women in this room today: please raise your hands if you would trade five years of your life for the so-called "perfect body".

Fleabag

[to Claire] We are bad feminists.

Fleabag

Oh fuck it, I have a horrible feeling that I'm a greedy perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can't even call herself a feminist.

Well... [beat] You get all that from your mother.

Fleabag

When did you realise you were so good looking?

I knew I was different when I was about nine, but shit got real around 11.

Fleabag

Shit got real?

You know... aunts got weird.

Claire

Listen, I don't want to know anything about this surprise party but, if you could just, erm, have it at mine this Friday at 7:30, that'd be great. I can organise it and act surprised but if you could just, er... do you know what, why don't I just do it? I can organise it, do the food, act surprised, and just take it off your hands. I mean, I can see that you're busy, so...

Fleabag

OK, if you want.

Claire

Well, I don't want to, but I think it would be easier for everyone if I could just... OK. I mean, I've done it, it's done.

Fleabag

I did a fart the other day that was exactly like mum's.

Claire

A door opening or suspicious dark?

Fleabag

A door opening.

Claire

It means you're getting mum's bum.

Fleabag

God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago. My farts used to be like PAH! Now they're just fighting their way out.

Claire

I haven't farted in about three years.