Fleabag quotes from Fleabag

Fleabag

I don't know what to do with it.

With what?

Fleabag

With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now.

I'll take it.

No, I'm serious. It sounds lovely. I'll have it.

Fleabag

I know exactly what I want right now.

The Priest

What's that?

Fleabag

It's bad.

The Priest

It's okay.

Fleabag

I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.

The Priest

Okay, well, I think there are people who can...

Fleabag

No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I've been getting it wrong. And I know that's why people want people like you in their lives. Because you just tell them how to do it. You just tell them what to do, and what they'll get out of the end of it. Even though I don't believe your bullshit, and I know that scientifically nothing I do makes any difference in the end anyway, I'm still scared! Why am I still scared?! So just tell me what to do. Just fucking tell me what to do, Father!

Is that a bassoon in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?

Fleabag

Would you say that to your son?

When he has his bassoon, sure. But he's never pleased to see me, so...

Fleabag

It doesn't even make sense. Why would a bassoon in my hand...

Like a dick in your hand.

Fleabag

Oh, right. So if I was walking towards you with an amputated dick in my hand you'd think I was horny.

Well, I'd assume that you had been.

Fleabag

My priest is here and he really needs some guidance.

What? Is he okay?

Fleabag

No, I'm hoping he's having an emotional crisis.

Fleabag

Priests have sex, you know. A lot of them actually do. They don't burst into flames. I Googled it.

The Priest

I can't have sex with you, because I'll fall in love with you. And if I fall in love with you, I won't burst into flames, but my life will be fucked.

Fleabag

Let's just leave that out there just for a second on its own: I love you.

The Priest

It'll pass.