[About her stepmother] To be fair, she is not an evil stepmother. She's just a cunt.
All S1
Characters
FleabagPhoebe Waller-Bridge · 36 quotes
ClaireSian Clifford · 8 quotes
The PriestAndrew Scott · 8 quotes
Bank managerHugh Dennis · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Fleabag & The Priest (7), Fleabag & Claire (5), Fleabag & Bank manager (3)
S1 E15Unfinished Business
You know that feeling when a guy sends you a text at two o'clock on a Tuesday night asking if he can come and find you and you've accidentally made it out like you've just got in yourself so you have to get out of bed, drink half a bottle of wine, get in the shower, shave everything, dig out some Agent Provocateur business, suspender belt the whole bit and wait by the door til the buzzer goes?
Dad's way of coping with two motherless daughters was to buy us tickets to feminist lectures, start fucking our godmother and eventually stop calling.
FLFeminist lecturer
So I pose the question to the women in this room today: please raise your hands if you would trade five years of your life for the so-called "perfect body".
[Fleabag and Claire immediately raise their hands, then realise that nobody else in the auditorium has.]
[to Claire] We are bad feminists.
Oh fuck it, I have a horrible feeling that I'm a greedy perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can't even call herself a feminist.
DDad
Well... [beat] You get all that from your mother.
Boo's death hit the papers. "Local cafe girl gets hit by a bike. And a car. And another bike."
I'm not obsessed with sex, I just can't stop thinking about it. The performance of it. The awkwardness of it. The drama of it. The moment you realise someone wants your body. Not so much the feeling of it.
When did you realise you were so good looking?
AGArsehole Guy
I knew I was different when I was about nine, but shit got real around 11.
Shit got real?
AGArsehole Guy
You know... aunts got weird.
I masturbate a lot these days. Especially when I'm bored. Or angry. Or upset. Or happy.
[Claire wrongly believes that Martin and Fleabag are planning a surprise party for her]
Listen, I don't want to know anything about this surprise party but, if you could just, erm, have it at mine this Friday at 7:30, that'd be great. I can organise it and act surprised but if you could just, er... do you know what, why don't I just do it? I can organise it, do the food, act surprised, and just take it off your hands. I mean, I can see that you're busy, so...
OK, if you want.
Well, I don't want to, but I think it would be easier for everyone if I could just... OK. I mean, I've done it, it's done.
I mean, the man's got a problem. But no-one wants to admit there's a problem because then they don't get to have crazy nights out with Fun Drunk Martin. He's one of those men who is explosively sexually inappropriate with everyone, but makes you feel bad if you take offence because he was "just being fun".
"Chic" means boring. Don't tell the French.
I did a fart the other day that was exactly like mum's.
A door opening or suspicious dark?
A door opening.
It means you're getting mum's bum.
God, I'd be lucky. My bottom dropped ages ago. My farts used to be like PAH! Now they're just fighting their way out.
I haven't farted in about three years.
Do you know what the lesbian app for Grindr is called? Twat nav.
Don't make this fun!
DMDistant male voice
SLUTS!
[looking round, surprised] Yes?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Fleabag pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.