The Priest quotes from Fleabag

The Priest

[wedding homily] Love is awful! It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening. Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself. Distance yourself from the other people in your life. Make you selfish. Makes you creepy! Makes you obsessed with your hair. Makes you cruel! Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do! It's all any of us want and it's hell when we get there! So, no wonder it's something we don't want to do on our own. I was taught if we're born with love, then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot. It "feeling right". When it feels right it's easy. But I'm not sure that's true. It takes strength to know what's right. And love isn't something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is when you find somebody that you love it feels like hope.

Fleabag

Do you think I should become a Catholic?

The Priest

No, don't do that. I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.

The Priest

Celibacy is a lot less complicated than romantic relationships.

Fleabag

What if you meet someone you like?

The Priest

I talk and drink and laugh and give them Bibles, and hope they eventually leave me alone.

The Priest

I'd really like to be your friend, though.

Fleabag

I'd like to be your friend, too. [aside] We'll last a week.

The Priest

[spooked] What was THAT!?

Fleabag

What?

The Priest

Where did... where did you just go?

Fleabag

What?

The Priest

You just went somewhere.

The Priest

There! There! Where did you just go?

Fleabag

Nowhere.

The Priest

Why would you believe in something awful when you could believe in something wonderful?

Fleabag

Don't make me an optimist, you will ruin my life.

Fleabag

I know exactly what I want right now.

The Priest

What's that?

Fleabag

It's bad.

The Priest

It's okay.

Fleabag

I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.

The Priest

Okay, well, I think there are people who can...

Fleabag

No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I've been getting it wrong. And I know that's why people want people like you in their lives. Because you just tell them how to do it. You just tell them what to do, and what they'll get out of the end of it. Even though I don't believe your bullshit, and I know that scientifically nothing I do makes any difference in the end anyway, I'm still scared! Why am I still scared?! So just tell me what to do. Just fucking tell me what to do, Father!

Fleabag

Priests have sex, you know. A lot of them actually do. They don't burst into flames. I Googled it.

The Priest

I can't have sex with you, because I'll fall in love with you. And if I fall in love with you, I won't burst into flames, but my life will be fucked.

Fleabag

Let's just leave that out there just for a second on its own: I love you.

The Priest

It'll pass.