Andy Brown quotes from Everwood

Ephram

We're moving where?

Andy

To Everwood, Colorado.

Where's that?

Ephram

Colorado, moron. Wh-why, are we moving there?

Andy

Someone told me about it once. They said it was the most beautiful place they had ever seen. It's on this hill. Or is it a mountain? Or maybe it's on a hill by a mountain. Anyway, I was thinking last night that we should move there. What do you say?

Ephram

I say that's not even a reason.

Andy

I know. How great is that? We'll be moving to some place for no reason at all.

Ephram

That's not great. That's crazy. That's Harrison Ford in Mosquito Coast crazy.

Andy

You say crazy. I say it might be the sanest thing I've ever done. Now, I want this to be a democratic decision so we're going to put it to vote. Everyone who wants to move...and get their own horse, raise your hand.

Andy

Well, that decides it.

Ephram

Democratic? You bought her vote.

Andy

Yeah. That's the American version.

Ephram

He said you were crazy. And you know what? News flash, you are. All right, you quit your job, you grow this ugly ass beard, you look like you wear your clothes to bed and you move us to No-wheres-ville U.S.A.! And why? For what reason? Because someone told you it was pretty once!? And if that's not enough, you talk to Mom like she's still here; I've seen you, and Delia has too. What do I have to say for myself?! What do you have to say for yourself?!

Andy

I can't believe you think my beard is ugly.

Ephram

Mom would never have done this to us! She never would've moved us here and gone crazy!

Andy

Don't be so sure of that!

Ephram

I am sure! All right, I knew her. You didn't know her. We all just tolerated you!

Andy

Hey, that's pretty good, what else you got?!

Ephram

I wish you died instead of her!

Andy

Well, I wish I did too, you little bastard!

Ephram

I hate you!

Andy

Well, I hate you right back! Now get in that house!

Ephram

I'm going for a ride! [He grabs his bike]

Andy

Oh, yeah?!

Ephram

Yeah!

Andy

At some point you're getting in that house!

Andy

[at Gino Chang's, a combination Chinese/Italian restaurant] OK, we'll have one order of the minestrone soup, two orders of the chicken parmesan, one sweet and sour pork and a couple of egg rolls to start.

Ephram

I'd like to take a moment and point out that this is... hands down the weirdest restaurant we've ever been to. And we're from New York City where we're regularly served by drag queens named Frank.

I think it's cool!

Andy

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, excellent choice, Delia.

Ephram

Don't let her watch it.

Be quiet.

Andy

Am I missing something?

Ephram

Eight years of raising her. She can't watch that movie, it upsets her.

It does not.

Ephram

Well, that is if you don't count the screaming and nights on my floor.

Andy

Delia?

Well, it used to scare me, but it doesn't anymore.

Ephram

Ah, that's what she always says. Like a junkie begging for more smack.

I'm not a junkie, you're a junkie.

Andy

Nobody's a junkie in this house.

Ephram

What? What is it? Are you moving us to Zimbabwe or something? What?

Andy

No no no, it's nothing like that, I'm just thinking about something. It's funny actually. Well it's not so much funny 'ha ha' is... you see... the thing is, I don't know whether or not you've ever had sex.

Ephram

And you never will.

Andy

OK then. Good talking to you.

Andy

Look, Ephram, I think you're being just a little bit melodramatic, it's not like I'm trying to ruin your life.

Ephram

You don't have to try, you do it pretty naturally.

Andy

What is that out front?

Ephram

Doe, a deer. A female deer.

Ephram

I'm pretty sure the trail follows the creek, but check the map.

Andy

No, left.

Ephram

Sure?

Andy

I used to navigate people's frontal lobes Ephram, I think I can follow directions.

Andy

Clue doesn't come in travel size?

Ephram

One of the world's greater atrocities.

Harold

What respectable practitioner has 15 free hours on his hands?

Andy

Me.

Harold

I said respectable practitioner.

Andy

Do me a favor, you know how you normally behave?

Ephram

Distant and miserable?

Andy

Yeah. Do the opposite.

Andy

You don't know my father-in-law. Not only is he one of New York's premiere transplant surgeons...he's also the best dad who ever lived. He somehow managed to perform over 150 liver transplants a year and never missed a single birthday. Oh, and did I mention my children worship him?

Edna

He also walks on water?

Andy

Oh, jogs on it. Does push-ups on it...One handed push-ups.

Andy

Are you drunk?

Ephram

Not enough, but hey...we can fix that. Toss me a Heineken!

Andy

You think this is funny? It's bad enough that you're drunk, and don't think we're not gonna talk about that, but you had to pick this weekend to become a teenager? You haven't been to a party since we've been here and now, all of a sudden, you're getting plastered and arrested? If you wanted to embarrass me in front of your grandparents, you're doing one hell of a job.

Ephram

Oh, right...I forgot. this is all about you. I got myself arrested, just to make you feel bad about yourself.

Andy

That's not what I meant, and you know it.

Ephram

[Sarcastically] Hey, look at me...I'm super dad. Let's fish and make waffles. I've got news for you, they're not buying it. But don't worry...If you promise to raise my allowance, I'll promise to give you a hug...right in front of Grandpa.

Andy

You had a phone call from New York. You know someone named Skuz?

Ephram

He was only over at our house every day.

Andy

Well, Rachel Laquer is having a mondo roof top party before winter term. And let me see if I got this right: 'she's totally hot for you're ass'.

Nina

I hear you're working narcotics, Detective Friday.

Andy

You know, the speed at which news travels around here defies the space-time continuum.

Nina

Well, I'm friends with Irma's daughter, Lily, and she is freaking out.

Andy

Well, I would be too if I found out my mother was growing more weed than Cheech and Chong combined.