Ephram Brown quotes from Everwood

Amy

My dad cries every time I beat him at tennis.

Ephram

Really?

Amy

No.

Amy

[To Hannah] I'll just find a way to bring (sex) up in a casual way.... Psh I can be casual.

Amy

So why haven't you tried to have sex with me yet?

Ephram

Wha... what do you mean I haven't tried?

Amy

Well, have you?

Ephram

No, I mean I haven't done everything I could do, but it's not like you have given me any indication that you wanted me to.

Amy

How am I supposed to indicate that?

Ephram

Oh I don't know, maybe not flinching every time my hand grazes your belt buckle.

Amy

I don't flinch.

Ephram

Uh, yeah you do.

Amy

No, I don't!

Ephram

Heh, yeah you do. Do you want me to show you right now? 'Cause it's actually pretty funny.

Amy

So Saturday night? 8:00?

Ephram

For sex? 8:00, 9:00, 7:30...

Amy

Good, so you bring the condoms and I'll see if I can score us some of my mom's fried chicken for after.

Amy

When are you going to accept my Lord?

Ephram

When you stop persecuting my people.

Bright

They stop because they can't help themselves. It's not like they wanna see a bunch of body parts spewed all over the road, you know. Intellectually speaking they know that would make them hurl. But they stop anyways, because they can, because it's there.

Ephram

So according to this rationale, seeing Madison's band will make me wanna hurl, so that's a reason to go? Interesting theory.

Ephram

I seriously wish I was the one in that hospital bed right now.

Andy

Because bleeding ulcers are so fun?

Andy

When did you get so smart?

Ephram

I'm a senior, dad. It's about time.

Ephram

Ya know, this place is so world-renowned, you'd think they'd be able to afford to decorate.

Amy

Easy there, Queer Eye, it's not a design center.

Bright

Truth is, Ephram, there is a silver lining. You just fail to see it. I think that's part of your problem.

Ephram

Thank you, Dr. Phil.

Bright

No, seriously. You came here on your first day and you met Amy. Because you're all wiggy in love with her, it takes your mind off what probably would've been a pretty nightmare year.

Ephram

I was not wiggy.

Ephram

Isn't fraternizing with a coworker, like, illegal?

Bright

[Laughs] I don't know what you just said, man, but it's not like we're frat brothers.

Ephram

Well it's a new order of the tracks. If I pick Bach, it says I'm ambitious. If I pick Chopin, it says I'm traditional.

Andy

Which one says you're OCD?

Ephram

It's like tragedy's the only thing we have in common. It's practically the reason we're friends.

Bright

So, you know, at least we all found each other. We are friends.

Ephram

But the point is, we got screwed. We're like way older than it says on our driver's licenses.

Amy

You are such an ass.

Ephram

[to Bright] One of us is in trouble.

Amy

You are completely ruining her [Hannnah's] life, did you know that?

Ephram

Well, that rules me out.

Ephram

Well, you could be a gigolo.

Bright

Dude, you're forgetting I'm like, twice your size.

Ephram

No, seriously, go pro 'man whore.' Combine all your natural talents. Plus, no tie, flexible hours.

Bright

Maybe I should just join a convent.

Ephram

That's nuns!

Bright

I know.

Madison

E.C.C. was just starting to feel like a stall. Taking classes didn't really matter. People who didn't want to do much with themselves just wasn't my lifestyle anymore.

Ephram

You outgrew your beer bottle.