Due South · Season 1
[about the villain's accomplice] Escaped and at large. I'm printing out last knowns, but the parole office could have more current addresses. I'll call when I get them.
Thank you kindly, Elaine.
You're a gem, Elaine. Come on boys, let's move.
We appreciate your thoughtfulness, Miss.
Now there's a country that knows what to export.
Absolutely.
[The door to the bar crashes open as Buck and Fraser enter]
May I have your attention, please. [Everything stops and all eyes are glaring at Buck and Fraiser] Thank you.
[whispering to Buck] Could I have one quick word?
[Continuing] Anybody carrying illegal firearms please place them on the bar, you're under arrest. [guns are pulled out and cocked] That's very good. Now place them on the bar.
[to Buck] You see, I've been here before, and what I've found is this-
Ah, right...local custom. Alright, we're prepared to overlook the firearms infractions, it being hunting season and all. [a knife is thrown and lands in the door post besid Buck's shoulder] No, no, sir. You keep that. All we want is information on the whereabouts of one Walter Ho.
You want to know where Ho is?
[to Buck] You see, it's usually at this point that they'll start shooting, so if I might suggest we take cover behind that small wall, there-
Vincent, tell them where your father is.
956 Dearness Street.
Thank you, young man. Excuse us. [while leaving] Very nice people, these Americans. You hear these stories, but...
I'm telling you, this is a waste of time. There's no way he gave you the right address. I mean, this is the guy's father.
You're right, could be a trap. Now, we go in, ready for battle. [they burst into a room full of elderly people playing bingo] Alright! Nobody move! Get your hands on the table! Get those daubers where I can see 'em! [to an old guy on a walker] You, Pops! Hands in the air! [he obeys, loses his balance, and falls backwards] Oh, sorry.
[Outside the building the old guy is being carried off in on a stretcher]
Did anyone check this guy's birthday before we started out on this manhunt? Walter Ho was 91 years old. Wouldn't you say the trail's a tad cold?
Might have worked with Geiger early in his career.
Early in his career?! This guy started out with the James gang! Alright, where to next?
907 Mill Street Road. I've run into this guy before, we're not going to find him in any bingo parlor. Trager, James.
[They find themselves at the cementary]
Born February 13, 1937. Died November 2, 1993.
Okay, I'll get the shovel, you handle the interrogation.
[Fraiser is recovering from a deep knife wound to his leg]
You've got the room to yourself. Are you really a Mountie?
Yes, ma'am.
You know, I got a nephew in Canada. His name is Gerald Simpson. You know him?
Yes.
How's it going?
They tried to cut off my boots.
No!
Right up the side. I wouldn't let them.
Well, I don't blame you. Lose a leg, sure, but a good pair of boots isn't easy to replace. Does it hurt?
Yes, Ray.
Would you like a little more fluid?
No thanks. How's Dief?
Oh, I rented him "Rin Tin Tin". He's thrilled.
[limping down the hall in his hospital gown] Ow, ow. Ray, could you?
Do I have to? [holds Fraser's gown closed]
Thanks, Ray.
Where the hell did Frobisher go?
After Geiger.
Where are you going?
To get my uniform.
Then what?
Then we go after Frobisher. Ow.
Oh yeah, this makes sense. We got half the police department after this guy, but is he going to worry about that? No, he's got two limping Mounties on his tail.
Ow, ow.
[Geiger is escaping so Buck jumps on a police motorcycle]
Stand back, son. There's a villain on the loose! [the motorcycle pulls a willie and goes flying down the street; Buck stands up from his place on the pavement] Taxi!
Oh, no! You're tasting things again!!! Oh, that's the grossest thing I've ever seen!
Look, one week ago, that man in there stole my self-respect. At least I let him steal it. Now I want him to know I'm taking it back, now. I'm going in alone.
I understand.
You understand?! Let me suggest another interpretation to you: That is the stupidest reason I've ever heard in all my life!
Alright, I won't be long.
Oh, one thing. If we should happen to feel that he's also stolen something from us...
Well, you come too.
Good.
This has gone far enough! Let me point something out to you that your sharp Mountie eyes might have missed. See those windows up there? There are men in those windows with sniper scopes and high-powered rifles. Do you see any cover between here and there? No. Which means there's no way to get from here to there without being seen or killed.
He's absolutely right.
Which is a shame because if there was, I'd be the first to say, "Let's do it."
Hmm...unless...
[the three are canoeing through the sewer]
I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
Would you hold the lantern a little higher, Ray? If we bump the sides, we'll have to return the canoe scuffed.
Do you have any idea what's in this water?
I would suspect a high percentage of ammonia, phosphorus, and cyanide.
Wrong! Rats. [holds hands up] Rats this big. And you know what they're doing? They're laughing at us. I'm in a canoe with two wounded Mounties and I'm being humiliated by rats.
[Fraser cuts into a package of hamburger and sniffs it]
Oh no! You're putting beef on your nose?! Stop that!
This meat is bad. [grabs another package and cuts into it]
Well that's a shame because it looks really good on you. Why don't you dab a little pork behind your ears?
Excuse me, doctor. I'm Constable Benton Fraser, Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Uh, what's your connection here, Constable?
He does that a lot.
I think you're right about it being food poisoning, sir, but not from food that's been left out too long. I believe the little boy ate diseased meat.
And why do you believe that?
Olfactory analysis.
You smelled it?
He does that a lot, too.
Look, you can reach me or "the world's nicest person" through this number.
[Ray and Fraser are in a dumpster looking for evidence]
You know, Fraiser, when I was a little boy, I used to dream of what it would be like to be a police officer. You know, shooting the bad guys, saving the girl. Being knee-deep in day-old chicken heads, looking for tainted meat was never a part of that dream.
Check that container there.
Why? If they wanted to hide something they just wouldn't have dumped it in here.
Well, perhaps not this time. But garbage has a history, Ray. It always leaves something behind.
Yeah, and most if it seems to be on me. You know what really annoys me? Why am I covered in crud and you look like you just got back from a hand laundry?
I don't know, I've always been this way.
[phone rings] Cia. It's Raymondo. [Fraser picks something off of Ray's coat] Ma! No, Ma, I did not forget the lettuce, okay?! [to Fraser] See a head of lettuce anywhere? Uh, Ma, yes I got it. Look, look...no, I gotta go, Fraser's picking lint off me again. Alright. Bye. [to Fraiser] Thanks, but I don't think it's gonna help.
It might.
What is it?
Parasites.
Those were on me?!
Yes.
[Ray yells and jumps out of the dumpster]
Ray?
[Ray is trying to shower, but his family keeps barging into the bathroom because Fraser's in there]
[to Fraser] Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were in here!
Didn't know! She's been standing in the doorway, timing it so you'd be undressed.
You're such a liar!
I am naked in here! Does that mean anything to anybody?!
Shut up!
Oh, who cares?! [to Fraser] Here, you can use my towels.
Well thank you, but I'm afraid I'm not having a shower.
Oh, don't be silly, it's really no trouble! [to Ray] Don't use all the hot water! [turns back to Fraser] I'll wait for mine.
Yeah, by the keyhole.
You know, I've really had enough of your mouth!
Anyone seen a Mountie?
[Zaleb invades Ray's personal bubble, clears his throat once, and then a second time when Ray doesn't move]
You got a problem with something?
You oughta move your foot.
Maybe I don't want to move my foot.
But if you don't move your foot, I can't get to that horse patty.
[looks down at foot then back up] Why would you want that horse patty?
I'm not telling.
Tell me why you want that horse patty and maybe I'll move my foot.
Never.
I'm a cop.
So what?
Do you want to serve time over a piece of manure?
I'd rather go to the chair than talk.
You know what I just decided? [Zaleb shakes his head] I've just decided you are so nuts, I'm gonna let you have that patty.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Due South pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
