Ray Vecchio quotes from Due South

Fraser

[notices peephole in the wall] Ray, who did you tell you were coming here?

Vecchio

Nobody, why? [he is grabbed by a thug with a gun] I misunderstood the question, I told everybody I know! I told the State's Attorney, I told the Sheriff, I even told my mother!

Don't come out here! Not unless you want them scraping us both off the pavement.

Vecchio

Am I wearing a funny hat? Do I look like a Mountie? Jump! What do I care?

Vecchio

This what's wrong with you, Fraser. You see a problem and you've gotta fix it. You can't even go to the men's room without stopping to tell some simple, stupid, charmingly witty Inuit story that inspires people to take on the world's social ills.

Fraser

Well, I'm sorry, Ray, but I fail to see how a small group of people banding together to form a neighborhood watch constitutes a form of political anarchy.

No! This is my post! Sixteenth and Morgan, it's marked right here on the map!

You're guarding my building? You, who twice cheated me at canasta?

I didn't cheat you, old fool! You fell asleep and missed your turn!

Vecchio

Oh, the neighborhood's definitely in safe hands now.

Vecchio

Gimme the bat!

No!

Vecchio

Come on! Now be a good kid, and give the detective the bat.

No! I found it. Get your own!

Vecchio

Give it!

No!

Fraser

Ray. Ray. Now, children are just like people, only smaller. All you have to do is reason with them. [crouches down] Now, son, that bat is important evidence in a criminal investigation, and we'd be most grateful if you'd cooperate.

A hundred bucks!

Fraser

I see. Ray?

Vecchio

Okay, kid - can you spell 'penitentiary'? Let's try it together: P-E-N-

Okay! Here!

Fraser

Ray, gates.

Vecchio

I know. [drives through them]

Fraser

Ray, sapling!

Vecchio

Where?

Fraser

Twelve o'clock.

Vecchio

[runs it over] Got it!

Vecchio

Fraser, what are you doing?

Fraser

I thought I'd let him shoot me, Ray. All Mr. Colling has to do is shoot me, and then he can shoot him.

Vecchio

Well, as long as you've got a plan.

Welsh

So, you really thought you could get this assignment by sucking up to me, Detective?

Vecchio

Oh, no sir - a man of your considerable intelligence would see right through that, sir!

Vecchio

Okay, so, at ninety-five miles an hour, how long's it gonna take?

Fraser

I can't tell you that, Ray. It would recklessly endanger the lives of thousands of motorists.

Vecchio

Okay, so, say ninety?

Fraser

Well, I explained the situation to him, and he was extremely helpful.

Vecchio

Did he rent you a car?

Fraser

No, but he doesn't have any.

Vecchio

What do you mean he doesn't have any? There's gotta be a hundred cars in this lot!

Fraser

Unfortunately, they're all reserved. I didn't realize Spiro Agnew's birthday was that widely celebrated. Also, I thought it was in November...

Vecchio

This is a 1971 mint condition Buick Riviera.

Fraser

You know, Ray, you really don't have to do this. I'm sure I can find someone who will lend me a car.

Vecchio

How many people have we asked?

Fraser

Well... uh, basically, everyone I know. It does seem rather curious they've all decided to leave town at exactly the same time...

Vecchio

Now, in the care and operation of this vehicle there is one thing to remember and hold above all else: never, I repeat never use the lighter. Of all the original parts in this car it was the most difficult to replace. It took me seven years to find that lighter and since I've owned it it's never been depressed.

Fraser

Then... how do you know it works?

Vecchio

I know in my soul.

Ian

Are you sure you know where we are?

Vecchio

Yeah, halfway between freedom and incarceration.

Ian

Aw, come on! I haven't eaten since the lock-up! I know my rights. You have to feed me every six hours.

Vecchio

Yeah, well, it's only been five.

Ian

Six! We passed a time zone.

Vecchio

That doesn't count! Fraser, you tell him.

Fraser

Well, actually, Ray, the legal scholars seem to be fairly equally divided on this point. One argument, extended to its logical conclusion, would provide that if you were traveling west at a rate of speed high enough to cross one time zone every hour, then you would never actually have to feed the prisoner. That is, of course, until you crossed the international date line, at which point you would have to force the prisoner to immediately consume four meals.