You have to walk away from the past in slow motion as it explodes behind you like in a John Woo movie.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Didn't you sleep here again last night? Was it that, like, the fourth night this week?
So what is your costume this year? Detective Ass-Basket?
It's another holiday for you to ruin with your snarky comments.
No, that is not true. I love Halloween. I love everything about it.
Really?! 'Cause it's my favorite, too, especially this year, because it's the first time in forever that Steven and I haven't been together. You know, I've always been part of a couple's costume. I was always Steven's "and something," you know, doctor and sexy nurse, or doctor and sexy patient.
Sherlock Ho. Mm, I should've called you Sherlock Ho.
Chloe, I am shocked. I never pegged you as the relationship type, but Benjamin is so great. You guys seem so happy together, and you could tell that he really... he really likes you.
Really? Do you think so?
Oh, absolutely. This is my area of expertise.
Great! So it'll hurt that much more when I totally destroy him! Oh, I would throw my head back and do my evil Halloween laugh, but my neck hurts and my throat kinda does, too.
What do you mean, "destroy him"?
Every Halloween, I pick a person who annoys me, I figure out their deepest, darkest fears, what would psychologically break them and ruin their lives forever, and then the next Halloween... I do it.
[Chloe shows June a copy of People magazine featuring James on the cover as "Sexiest Man Alive"]
I had them mock this up down at the office. I became the managing editor of People magazine today.
Yeah, right.
It's true. I've taken over a bunch of companies before—Volvo, Dole, Febreze. You just gotta walk in like you own the place, fire the first person to ask you a question, fire the second person to ask you a question, and then gaze out the window and draw a peen on the board. It's the traditional intimidation–confusion–submission technique.
[barges into the People offices] Why is James not on the cover?!
CCarol
Uh, Marjorie must have nixed it. [Chloe looks confused] Marjorie has final say.
Stop saying "Marjorie" like I'm supposed to know who that is.
CCarol
You don't know who Marjorie is?
Oh, my God! One more word and Brenda gets a smackwich!
CCarol
I don't understand...
Her face is the lunch meat, my hands are the bread! [smacks both sides of Brenda's head simultaneously, and Brenda screams] Smackwich!
We're at my parents' house. We're just gonna go in for a quick five-course meal, we'll be done in nine hours, max.
Nine hours?! That is gonna bleed into Black Friday!
June, you can have sex with black men any day of the week.
SScott
Honey, you know you're pretty. You got it all going on. But sometimes guests, like my boss, can misconstrue when you sit on their lap and feed them ambrosia salad with your fingers.
You put your fingers inside of your dad's boss' mouth?
June, if there's a sexy piece of man meat in front of me, I'm gonna wanna eat it.
CJChloe and June
We need to talk. You've got a problem.
Me? I'm not the one coming home wasted every morning.
June, you're an addict. You are shoveling food into your face constantly. I leave at night, you're eating. I come home in the morning, you're eating. Sometimes I see you leave the house in the middle of the day with a bag of food.
That's called breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
I don't care what the street names are called. The intersection is death.
Take your money goggles off.
No!
Chloe, he has a wife and a child.
And a jet!
Chloe, you are better than this. Take the money goggles off.
[scoffs] Fine.
TTrey
[Chloe sees him as a hideous, cartoonish creature with bulging eyes] Hiiiiii!
Well... That's unfortunate. I'm gonna set fire to his car to punish him for my mistake.
[lying to a bartender at a bar in order to get a free drink] Katie Holmes and I are only cousins, but we're as flirty as sisters.
[referring to his maid] Why do you hate Yolanda?
[scoffs] I do not hate Yolanda! It's just... if you're El Salvadorian, don't pretend to be Guatemalan, you know?
I've always wanted to go to a real-life Hamptons lighthouse. Rainy weather. In a fisherman's sweater. On a bike. With a sandwich and my thoughts.
[pause] I almost just hit you. I almost just lost control and hit you.
I guess we're all just one small hole in the condom away from having our lives totally destroyed.
[referring to her mean coworker, Fox Paris] I'm gonna fix this my way. I am going to kill her...
[Chloe gasps with excitement]
...with kindness.
[Chloe frowns]
FPFox Paris
[after being accidentally stabbed by June] You stabbed the bitch in the conference room! You from Queens?
Uh, no.
FPFox Paris
You hang out at Gino's?
I-I-I don't know what that is. Is-is-is that a bar?
FPFox Paris
Yeah. You from Queens. Seven one eight, seven one gray!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.