Clara Oswald quotes from Doctor Who

[to Strax] Come on, Clara, you know that I speak Dinosaur.

He's not Clara. I'm Clara!

Well, you're very similar heights. Maybe you should wear labels.

Who invented this room?!

Doctor, please, you have to lie down.

It doesn't make sense. Look, it's only got a bed in it. Why is there only a bed in it?

Because it's a bedroom. It's for sleeping in.

Okay, what do you do when you're awake?

You leave the room.

So you've got a whole room for not being awake in? But what's the point? You're just missing the room.

*coughs*

What's wrong?

I don't know. Maybe the smell?

I know. It's everywhere.

Where did you get that coat?

Er, ahem, I bought it.

From where?

Er, a shop

No.

Might have been a tramp.

You don't have any money.

Er, I had a watch.

No. That watch was beautiful.

[Wistfully] It was my favourite.

You swapped your favourite watch for that coat. That's maybe not a good deal.

Well, I was in a hurry. There was a terrible smell.

I'm the Doctor. I've lived for over two thousand years, and not all of them were good. I've made many mistakes, and it's about time I did something about that. Clara, I'm not your boyfriend.

I never thought you were.

I never said it was your mistake.

This is Clara. Not my assistant. She's… er… some other word.

I'm his carer.

Yeah, my carer. She cares so I don't have to.

Okay, listen up. Now, do not hold your breath when the nanoscaler engages. You’ll feel like you want to, but you must keep breathing normally during the miniaturisation process.

Why?

Ever microwave a lasagna without breaking the film on top?

It explodes.

Don't be lasagna.

Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned storybooks, Clara.

What about you?

Me?

Yeah. You. You stop bad things happening every minute of every day. That sounds pretty heroic to me.

[modestly] Just passing the time.

Listen to me. It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can.

I don't have Clara.

Robin's one of yours.

What did you say?

He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here.

Robin Hood is not one of mine.

Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates.

Why would they do that?

To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses.

[scoffs] Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea.

Yes! [frowns, considering this] Yes, it would… Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea! Why would you do that? [stops] But he can't be… He's not real… He's a legend!

Too kind! And this legend does not come alone. (Clara pops up next to him and waves)

Hiya!

Rupert?

[stands next to the bed] Orson?

Why does he have to sleep out here?

He doesn't want the others to hear him crying.

Why does he have to cry all the time?

You know why.

There'll be no crying in the army.

Hush.

Don't pretend you're not awake, we're not idiots.

Come and sleep in the house. You don't have to be alone. If you can hear me, you're very welcome in the house, with the other boys. I'll leave the door on the latch. Come in any time.

He can't just run away crying all the time if he wants to join the army!

He doesn't want to join the army, I keep telling you!

Well, he's not going to the Academy, is he, that boy? He'll never make a Time Lord!

Are you OK?

No. I'm an amnesiac robbing a bank, why would I be OK?

Because of Saibra.

What? Saibra is dead. We're alive. Prioritise if you want to stay that way.

Oh, is that why you call yourself the Doctor? The professional detachment?

Listen, when we're done here, by all means, you go and find yourself a shoulder to cry on. You'll probably need that. Until then, what you need is me!

I've just realised I'm going out for another meal now.

Don't worry. Calories consumed on the TARDIS have no lasting effect.

Wha… Are you kidding?!

Of course I'm kidding. It's a time machine not a miracle worker.

Are there aliens in this school?

Listen, it's lovely talking to you, but I've really got to get on. I'm the caretaker, now. Look, I've got a brush.

Doctor. Is there an alien in this school?

Yes, me. Now go. The walls need sponging, and there's a sinister puddle.

What's that?

A scanner. I'm scanning. Why do I keep you around?

Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own. Scanning for what?

Any alien technology in this vicinity should show up. I used to have a teacher exactly like you.

You still do. Pay attention.

Tell me what you knew.

Nothing! I told you, I've got... grey areas.

Yeah. I noticed. Tell me what you knew, Doctor, or else I'll smack you so hard you'll regenerate.

I knew that eggs are not bombs. I know they don't usually destroy their nests. Essentially what I knew was: you would always make the best choice. I had faith that you would always make the right choice.

Honestly, do you have music playin' in your head when you say rubbish like that?

It wasn't my decision to make, I told you.

Do you know what? Shut up! I am so sick of listening to you!

Yeah, well, I-- I didn't do it for Courtney. I didn't know what was going to happen. D'you think I'm lying?

I don't know. I don't know! But if you didn't do it for her, I mean… And do know what? It was cheap. It was pathetic. No, no, no, it was patronizing! That was you patting us on the back, saying "You're big enough to go to the shops yourself now. Go on, Toddle along".

No, that was me allowing you to make a choice about your own future. That was me… respecting you.

Oh my god, really? Was it? Yeah, well respected is not how I feel! [Clara sobs]

Right, okay. Uh...

I nearly didn't press that button! I nearly got it wrong. That was you, my friend, making me scared… Making me feel like a bloody idiot.

Language.

Oh, don't you ever tell me to mind my language! Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike! And don't you dare lump me in with the rest of all the little humans that you think are so tiny and silly and predictable! You walk our Earth, Doctor, you breath our air, you make us your friend. That is your moon, too, Doctor, and you can damn well help us when we need it!

I was helping.

What, by clearing off?

Yes.

Yeah? Well, clear off! Go On! Get back in your lonely… your lonely bloody TARDIS, and you don't come back — and you don't come back.

Clara! Clara!

You go away. And you don't come back. Okay? You go a long way away.