I want to be a human being!
You will be someday.
All S1
S1 E1Pilot
Oh! When did you get back from Tahiti?
Uh... Thirty minutes and six double espressos ago.
[Voiceover] Money makes everything go wrong.
[He presents a dollar bill origami sailboat to Nick] Here, give this to Kiki. Tell her I'm sorry I made you late.
Where'd you learn how to do that?
My coke dealer.
All right listen, this has been a massive misunderstanding, and I can assure you my client is going to be found innocent of all charges brought against him, so there's no story here. Please excuse us.
FRFemale Reporter
Is it true you won the Yacht in a poker game, Jeremy?
MRMale Reporter
Jeremy, how long have you been smuggling people into the country?
I don't know...
Don't answer that.
FRFemale Reporter
Is it true you were planning to harvest their organs?
You know, that is just dumb. Why say things like that?!
Look, he doesn't even know these guys.
It's true I've never meet those guys before in my life! Right, guys?
IIIllegal Immigrants
Okay Captain Jeremy, Captain Jeremy okay!
Did you teach 'em how to do that?
I was just havin' a little fun.
MRMale Reporter
Well, the rumor is you can't act at all.
Well, you're poor!
S1 E3The Italian Banker
I don't need my twin-tuition to see you googling her ass!
Don't you mean ogling--
Whatever!
BSBrian, Sr
[After scolding his bewildered son about his own lies] But remember, we pay the rent in this house with honesty. Don't make me raise your rent.
MLMei Ling
Do you really believe his name is Gustav?
BSBrian, Sr
What choice do I have. Now at some point you have to just put your faith in humanity. Gotta get to bible study.
[Referring to the Karen Darling sex tape] Okay... you the guy who bought it?
CCourier
No, but my boss did... for 3 million dollars.
Your boss?
CCourier
Simon Elder. Yeah, he's not the man you think he is. And your boss isn't either.
[watching the tape] What the hell are they doing?
DDaisy
The Italian Banker.
How do you know that?
RRebecca
Ah... the reverse Italian Banker.
They all said no.
RRebecca
Told ya, Patrick made the sex tape. Patrick's lying. Patrick's going to be the next lying President of the United States of lying America.
S1 E4The Chiavennasca
Just tell me one thing... Our children, are they all mine?
Yes! Absolutely!
[Sighs] Ooh... God.
What?
The thought that you can be so sure... that such attention was paid to such a prolonged continuous insult that you can say absolutely, as if it were a favor you did me fondly. Ahh, my God Tish it's so sordid.
[Sarcastically] Thanks.
I'm sorry.
FFreddy
God, you're a bitch sometimes.
[Pouting] I know, its a problem.
[While Brian Jr shakes pepper all over his dinner] Take it easy sailor. You're going to overheat your blood.
BJBrian, Jr
Sorry.
I haven't seen a child pepper food that vigorously since you were a boy Brian. Bon Appetit.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dirty Sexy Money pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.