Dexter Morgan quotes from Dexter

Rita

You do your grocery list alphabetically?

Dexter

How else would you do it?

Dexter

What else did the doctor say?

Rita

He asked me a million questions about my medical history. There's a form for you to fill out too, but I told him you were adopted. I mean... Are there any details that you do know?

Dexter

[voiceover] Like "Mom was killed by a chainsaw, my brother was killed by... well, me." That kind of stuff? [to Rita] No, I don't really know anything.

Debra

Have you started thinking about names yet? Not that I wanna push it on you or anything, but if you have a girl, Debra's a really good name!

Dexter

...Deb I should tell you-

Debra

Oh my God what happened!?

Dexter

Nothing happened! It's just I'm not sure I'm gonna be there to raise the baby.

Debra

...What?

Dexter

I don't know if I'm gonna be a father to the kid. [Debra punches him in the arm] Ow!

Debra

Of course you are you moron.

Dexter

Deb...

Debra

Shut the fuck up! How can you even say you're not gonna be a father to that kid! I mean where would you be without Harry!? And he wasn't even your biological father!

Dexter

I just think I'm gonna be a lousy father, I don't wanna screw the kid up. [Debra punches him in the arm again] Would you please stop doing that!

Debra

Then stop saying stupid things! I mean first of all who are we kidding, you're gonna be a great father. And second, and much more important, big dumb brother of mine, this isn't about you.

Dexter

...Who's it about?

Debra

...The baby. So it doesn't matter how scared you are. How reluctant or unprepared you might feel, the baby comes first. And that baby needs you.

Dexter

Studies show that emotional intelligence plays a greater role in individual success than anything that can be measured on the standard IQ test.

Debra

Are you calling me an emotional idiot?

Dexter

If you're an idiot, then I'm a vegetable.

Rita

Dexter and I have something we want to talk to you about.

What?

Dexter

We're having a baby.

Rita

Um... You're gonna have a new little brother or little sister to play with.

Cody

Which one?

Rita

Which one would you like?

Cody

A puppy.

Dexter

You can have a puppy and a baby.

Rita

Dexter, what is it?

Dexter

My life has always felt like an unanswered question. A string of days and nights, waiting for something to happen, but I didn't know what.

Cody

Why is he acting so weird?

I don't know.

Dexter

Rita, we're connected. Wherever I am, I feel you and the kids with me. You're what makes me real. I want us to always go out for banana splits. And replant the lemon tree that keeps dying. And I never, ever want to miss a pizza night. And that's how I know I want to marry you. Because something as simple as pizza night's the highlight of my week. But not without the kids. [leans down by Cody and Astor] Cody, Astor, you guys are my family. I'm gonna hang on to you for dear life. Please, say yes.

Rita

Yes! Yes, we will marry you!

Harry Morgan

You're here. Rita's back home. You're cheating on her and you don't even realize it.

Dexter

I'll make time for my Dark Passenger and for Rita.

Harry Morgan

It's about priorities, Dexter. You're going to have to choose which one is your mistress and which one is your wife, and more importantly, which one comes first.

Rita

That massage was amazing.

Sylvia

We spend enough money to be members here. At least now I have somebody to go to the spa with.

Miguel

All of that stuff, that's not for men, right, Dex?

Dexter

Lying naked on a table, helpless, no thanks.

Dexter

Why risk it all? Your career, reputation, freedom? You can just walk away.

Miguel

You didn't walk away from Ethan Turner, because you understand, Dexter, that we're living in, living in crucial times, crucial times that demand extraordinary measures.

Dexter

[voiceover] Miguel's convinced himself he wants this kill tonight for lofty and noble reasons. I'm not quite as high-minded.

You know, Dexter, my whole life I've been searching for...

Dexter

The meaning of life?

The perfect... Key lime pie. And what do I get when I'm about to croak? Fucking pie-crust, Reddi-wip, and green Jell-O...

Dexter

I'll see what I can do about finding you the perfect Key lime pie.

We all know how easy it is to plant evidence, and let's be honest, you look the type.

Dexter

[voiceover] Do I see sheets of plastic in your future?

Miguel

So, uh, Ellen Wolf, a piece of work, right?

Dexter

[thoughs] Go easy, be tactful. [speech] We can't kill her.

Dexter

I want you know that you were right about my brother. There's something else. I killed him.

[last words] It's good you did.

Dexter

Hey, you know anything about wedding bands?

Debra

Yeah, wedding rings and nuclear fission are my secret specialties.

Dexter

Thanks. [leaves]

Your brother's kind of a dweeb, huh?

Debra

You say anything more about my brother and I will kick your fucking nuts down your throat.

[laughs] That doesn't even make any sense.

Dexter

You ever drop a quart of milk? Watch it spread over the whole kitchen floor? The mess it makes?

Miguel

Yeah.

Dexter

There's six quarts of blood in the human body. This isn't going to be pretty. There's no shame in backing out.

Miguel

Dex, after 14 years of filing briefs, trying cases, and dealing with bullshit, this is all going to look nice and neat in comparison.