Well, the room's not going to be ready for another half hour. And Charlene, you can just forget about that tour. Now I am telling you all, I cannot take anymore of this. I'm tired, I'm dirty, I've got that beef jerky she gave me stuck in my teeth. Now, I'm just going to march right into that bathroom in the coffee shop and brush my teeth and take a sponge bath in the sink and then I'm going to blow dry myself on the wall dryer... ... or maybe not.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[The ladies discuss breast size, making reference to Suzanne.]
Suzanne's had those as long as I can remember. She was born with them. Mother and Daddy and I used to sit around and just stare at them. It's just the spin of the ole' genetic wheel. I think I've been amply compensated.
What's that mean?
It means Suzanne got the boobs, and she (pointing to Julia) got the brains.
I don't think I like the turn this conversation has taken.
Oh, c'mon... big boobs/tiny brains... it's a story as old as the hills — I didn't write it.
Mary Jo!!! I cannot believe you would even repeat that!!
Oh, I'm just kidding. It's just the Littlest Angel's way of kind of evening the score.
What's this "Littlest Angel" stuff anyway?
It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.
A training bra... you little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb.....
(about her larger fake breasts) These things are power!
I hate to brag, but I've turned a few heads in my time.
Well ya didn't do it with those(gestures toward Julia's chest).
Julia, what did he say to you?
Charlene, why do you always want to know these things?
Oh I'm just curious. Come on, we all told.
All right Charlene, if you must know he said, "Mmm-mmm. Lookin' good. I want it. I need it. Got to-got to-have it-now."
[Charlene tells Suzanne how Bill never had any women in his life except her and his childhood sweetheart. She responds:]
My third husband, J. Benton Stonecipher never dated anyone but me. Of course in my case he never wondered if anyone could possibly be any better because of course that would be absurd. But now for me it was just no fun... I mean... I like to hear about how other women fall short.
[Suzanne tries to get a date for Charlene to make Bill jealous.]
Hello Randy? Suzanne Sugarbaker. Listen, Randy.....Good news.... I found ya a date. Yes I know everyone's tried to help. I bet ya had given up. Well anyway I have somebody. I'll call you later tonight with details. Oh Randy, what movie star are you going as? Mickey Rooney..... uh-huh, very good choice.
Suzanne and I once had a mutual friend named Robert. He was having marital difficulties. Suzanne became his coach. After a few months he became....Roberta.
Excuse me, ladies. I know it's none of my business, but there are two little old vietnamese ladies laying in your driveway.
Oh, they been there all morning. Y'know, they look frail, but when I pulled my Mercedes in at 30 miles an hour, they hopped up right quick.
I myself have been distinctly pro-labor all my life . . . except for a brief period this morning when a cabbage hit my windshield.
Well, did you all hear what she said about that flushing? I mean they don't even have port-a-potties. Now I'm serious you all, I think we should just rethink this.
WLWilderness Leader Connie
Five minutes, busses are rolling.
Suzanne!! Bernice has put out twelve hundred, non-refundable dollars. We have all just sat through a four-hour lecture. Now I don't want to go any more than you do, but I'm telling you, I have rolled my sleeping bag, I have backed my pack and I have filled my canteen.
So what are you saying?
I'm saying, "Get on the bus, Gus."
[Anthony gets caught helping the ladies and pretends to be a woman camper.]
CConnie
What's this camper's name?
(in a high-pitched voice) Cindy.
CConnie
Cindy what?
Cindy Birdsong.
CConnie
Birdsong — I don't remember that name.(to other leader) Check your list.
I was late. I got on the bus at the last minute.
CConnie
Who let you on?
I don't know. Some white girl.
CConnie
Where's your application?
I turned it in.
CConnie
To who?
Some white girl.
[Suzanne enters, obviously distraught.]
[(whimpers)]
Something wrong, Suzanne?
Yes, something is wrong. I'm driving down the street this morning, the sun is shining, I'm young, I'm beautiful. I look in the rearview mirror and what do I see? There is a hair growing out of my chin. I mean, have you ever in all your life? I simply could not believe my eyes. Here I am, hardly 30 years old, and there's this hair sticking out right here. It's unbelievable. Obviously, I'm being punished for some heinous sin, like telling Kyle Westheimer's parents that he is, in fact, a bisexual. But all I know is, whatever it is, I did not merit this.
You told some guy's parents that he's a bisexual?
That's right. I always tell the parents. And I'm not sorry either. I don't believe in bisexuals. I figure the rest of us have to choose, so why shouldn't they?
(leaning her chin in toward Julia) Julia, do you see anything else there?
No, Suzanne, I don't.
Good. Cause if I get another one, I'm just gonna have to get a gun and shoot myself through the head.
Why don't you shoot yourself in the chin? Maybe that way you'll hit the root.
I'm glad you all find this so amusing.
Oh c'mon, Suzanne. Don't you think you're being just a little bit shallow?
No, I do not Charlene. I don't think it is shallow not to want to go through life wearing a goatee.
[Anthony is going over spelling words with Tyone.]
Cantaloupe.
C-A-N-T-A-L-O-U-P-E
That's very good, Suzanne.
(beaming) I eat it all the time.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.