We've been acting a little childish about things that didn't measure up to Christmases past. Have we forgotten how lucky we are to have had those Christmases in the first place?
You're right. No matter how old I get, nothing's ever gonna measure up to my entire family sitting in front of a fire on Christmas Eve singing "Silent Night." Daddy reading from the Bible — Harold Thomas sitting on his lap — me on one side, Mama on the other. Y'know, I've just gotta be grateful I had that. Nothing is ever gonna be greater than that...except maybe heaven. Anthony...you're crying.
I know. I thought you were gonna tell another one of those stories about your daddy needing a bank loan, and it got to me before I realized you were on another track.
I know I'm especially grateful to have my son here on Christmas Day — whose eyes I can look into and still see his father. And I'm grateful to Charlene for making that possible...and to Suzanne, for turning down a vacation in Switzerland just to hear me play the piano. And I'm grateful that I have a friend like Mary Jo who cries because her little boy doesn't believe in Santa Claus. And I'm also grateful that I know someone like Anthony, who is such a good sport about breaking a leg!
Julia, you're starting to sound like the piano lady at the Holiday Inn Tap Room.
I know! It's Christmas...and I can't help myself!
Now play "The First Noel" for my pig.
[After much soul-searching, Charlene pays a visit to her minister, Reverend Nunn.]
For the past nine years I've come to you with whatever problems, worries or grief I've had in my life, and I really appreciate the way you've looked after me. But, I don't think I can do that anymore.
RNReverend Nunn
Charlene, you don't mean that.
I've been up all night, and I just can't figure out how I can belong to a church that doesn't think I am fit to preach God's word.
RNReverend Nunn
You want to be a minister?
Well, I've never told anyone this before, but as a matter of fact I did. When I was about six or seven, I got my first Bible. It had my name embossed in gold across the front. My parents gave it to me the night I was baptised. I'll never forget it came with this beautiful cardboard bookmark that had Jesus with a pink halo painted on it. I don't know — there was something about the way the light shown in that picture — I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I thought, "Boy, that's for me." I was gonna travel the world preaching and teaching — maybe even become a saint.
RNReverend Nunn
What happened?
I don't know. I guess I figured I couldn't make saint. Anyway, my point is, I had that dream because no one told me I couldn't. But what about all those other little girls out there, hundreds of them, just waiting to become ministers and spend their lives preaching God's word — except for the fact that you and a bunch of other people got together and decided that God doesn't want that. That just doesn't make any sense, Reverend Nunn. I mean, for what possible reason would God not want that?
RNReverend Nunn
That's not for us to say, Charlene. I don't think we should question his wisdom.
I'm not. I'm questioning yours. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for everything you've done for me. I'll never forget you.
RNReverend Nunn
Charlene, I wish you'd give this some more thought. Let me put you in touch with another minister. Maybe he can counsel you.
No. Thanks anyway. I'll be talking to someone, but I think I'll keep this one just between me and God. Don't look so surprised, after all, we have his number too.
[Charlene drops back by Sugarbaker's to pick up her purse and finds Julia still there.]
Aren't you supposed to be at the church?
I just can't do it, that's all. I know you're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in myself.
Why don't you think you can do it? Are you still afraid you can't hit that high note?
That, among other things.
Oh, I don't know — laryngitis, forgetting the words, getting my choir robe trapped up in my pantyhose — you name it, I've thought of it.
(sad and teary) I just resigned from my church.
Oh, Charlene. I'm so sorry.
Is there anything I can do?
Yes, as a matter of fact there is. My minister, Reverend Nunn, is gonna be at the closing ceremony tonight, and for some reason I need to be proud of women tonight. I wanna hear you hit that high note.
No, Charlene. No, I can't.
Yes you can. Julia, I know you can. Now what I just did took more courage than I ever thought I had, and it would be impossible for me to have more courage than you.
Well... 'cause you're my hero.
Charlene, that's a nice idea, but just because you have faith in me doesn't mean I'll be able to do it.
Well, who said anything about having faith in you? I'm just asking you to have the guts to step up to the microphone and open your mouth. I think I can get him to supply the notes.
Exactly how sure are you?
Just a feeling. Oh please, Julia. Do it for me. Do it for all us girls.
You mean you, Mary Jo and Suzanne?
I mean all us girls... everywhere.
[Reese sees the excessive amount of bags going into the car.]
RReese
What are all these little bags for?
Oh, those are my cosmetics.
RReese
My word.... nobody's that ugly.
I think you're one of these people who are too much.
Yes. Julia and Charlene and Mary Jo would never tell you so, they're too nice. But I can tell you because... I'm too much too.
UUrsula
I'm sorry, I just don't know what you mean.
I mean your smile is too big, your heart is too big, and quite frankly — your breasts are too big.
UUrsula
What are you saying?
I'm saying I want you to take your big knockers and hit the road.
[The ladies gather around Mary Jo's television to watch Julia's one-minute speech on the news against Commissioner Brickett.]
I know someone who's not going to think Julia's too wonderful.
You know, that black guy with the bow tie. Where have you been, Charlene? I mean that's what we're doing here.
Suzanne, his name is not Wilson Pickett, it's Wilson Brickett. Wilson Pickett's a black singer.
How do you figure you were close, because they're both black? You might as well have said Don King.
Who's Don King?! You don't know who he is either?
Oh yeah, I know who he is. He's that guy who sings "Tiny Bubbles."
"Tiny Bubbles"?! Suzanne, Don King does not sing "Tiny Bubbles," that's Don Ho! (to Julia) She just does this to drive me insane. It's like we're the Smothers brothers, and she's Tommy and I'm Dick.
(walks in with a tray) What is the matter?
Oh, I don't know, Mary Jo, it's just Charlene. She's in here raving about "Tiny Bubbles" and calling herself Dick.
[Julia and Commissioner Brickett square off on television, while Anthony and the ladies sit on the sidelines, worried that "Terminator" Julia won't be able to hold her temper....as it begins, and it turns out, she is getting impatient already!]
CCaller
I'm a member of the National Rifle Association, and I support Commissioner Brickett's stand on every American's inalienable right to bear arms. And I'm not any red-necked deer hunter. I'm a professional man who's simply interested in protecting his family.
NNewscaster
Mrs. Sugarbaker?
Facts are: number 1: a seven day waiting period does not prohibit anyone from obtaining a gun, unless he or she happens to have a criminal record.
Mrs. Sugarbaker, you're a smart gal and a pretty one too. When you go out at night alone, I bet you carry some kind of little handgun in your purse. How would you feel if you were robbed and raped during that seven day period while you waited for approval for that handgun?
Well, Commissioner, I'd probably feel as badly as you would feel if you were molested and shot by someone who'd just gotten out of prison and bought a gun on that very same day.
CCaller
My children attend school here in Atlanta, and I do not appreciate Commissioner Brickett's lack of support for our extra curricular fine arts programs like dance and ballet.
Listen. When the petticoat sports can attract a gate that pays for itself like basketball and football, then I'll get excited. Anyway, I think we should spend less time worrying about the screwball curriculums and get back to the basic three R's.
Screwball curriculums?! Petticoat sports?! I bet you think Refrigerator Perry is a better athlete than Mikhail Baryshnikov! I mean, I don't know what kind of an ignoramus...
(clears his throat)... ahem!!
(immediately turning to the camera and smiling) I strongly support a more expanded program of liberal arts in the public schools and would do my best to encourage funding.
And all I can say is Amen to this wonderful caller, because I too would like to hear the Pledge of Allegiance recited in our classrooms again. By the way, you may be interested to know that flag sales in this country are at an all-time high.
I think the Pledge of Allegiance is wonderful, and so is the flag. You know, it's not an official American document. It was taken from a children's magazine.
NNewscaster
Yes, but should reciting it be mandatory?
No, it should be a privilege.
[As the debate continues, Julia's impatience begins to show, and she shows signs that she is about to blow!]
CCaller
... and I just don't think I could vote for someone like Mrs. Sugarbaker who is so obviously against school prayer.
Let me say once again, that I am not against prayer.
These people are never against prayer, per say. They're what I call 14% Christian. They go to church one day and week and spend the next six trying to keep morals and decent values out of our schools and government ---- the very two institutions who should be instilling these things into our young people to begin with. Well, I say there's a reason we call it "One nation under God, indivisible" ... maybe Mrs. Sugarbaker has just forgotten what that phrase was all about.
(irritated) No, Mr. Brickett. I have not forgotten. I was just thinking that you seem to have forgotten the phrase "Separation of church and state", but the one thing I did forget was just how divisive, dishonest, and distasteful someone like you can be. I've sat here today and listened to you pander to these people, but you don't actually care about them, or you wouldn't be sitting here reinforcing their ignorance and prejudices.
You heard that, Caller. She just called you ignorant and prejudiced!
(angrily) I do not think everyone in America is ignorant! Far from it!! But we are today, probably, the most uneducated, under read, and illiterate nation in the western hemisphere. Which makes it all the more puzzling to me why the biggest question on your small mind is whether or not little Johnny is gonna recite the Pledge of Allegiance every morning! I'll tell you something else, Mr. Brickett. I have had it up to here with you and your phony issues and your Yanky Doodle yakking! If you like reciting the Pledge of Allegiance everyday then I think you should do it! In the car! In the shower! Wherever the mood strikes you! But don't try to tell me when or where I have to say or do or salute anything, because I am an American too, and that is what being an American is all about! And another thing... I am sick and tired of being made to feel that if I am not a member of a little family with 2.4 children who goes just to Jerry Falwell's church and puts their hands over their hearts every morning that I am unreligious, unpatriotic, and un-American!! Because I've got news for you, Mr. Brickett... all liberals are not kooks, anymore than all conservatives are fascists!! and the last time I checked, God was neither a Democrat nor a Republican! And just for your information, yes I am a liberal, but I am also a Christian. And I get down on my knees and pray everyday ---- on my own turf — on my own time. One of the things that I pray for, Mr. Brickett, is that people with power will get good sense, and that people with good sense will get power... and that the rest of us will be blessed with the patience and the strength to survive the people like you in the meantime!!
Mary Jo, I have never seen one person eat so much in all my life. I mean, the inside of this car looks like we're on some kind of a pig tour.
Can you believe it? I mean, who would have thought — homemade food in a gas station? I mean, is that just in the South or what? I mean, now you can go in get your tires checked, buy some birth control in the bathroom and have a little turkey and dressing on the way out.
