A lot of things have happened to me. A lot of things have happened to all of us. Sandy Smothers was killed the night before we graduated. Diane Mitchell's got two sets of twins, and Gayland Chadwick's working in the White House. We had a lot of dreams together, and there's no point in pretending... some of mine came true, and... some didn't.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I met a little boy from Africa tonight whose family died of starvation, and I realized that I spent the whole day at home worrying about the fact that I had too much to eat. I'm not sure the old Suzanne would have appreciated the absurdity of that, but this one does.
Some of you men wanted to know about my bra size, but I'd rather talk about my heart because... it's a little bigger than it used to be. The old Suzanne wouldn't have forgiven you for the things that you said, but this one will... because when I look around this room tonight, I don't see receding hairlines and the beginnings of pot-bellies and crow's feet... I just see all the beautiful faces of old girlfriends and sweet young boys who used to stand on my front porch and try to kiss me goodnight. And you can remember me any way you'd like, but that's how I'll always remember you.
And so I thank you for giving me this award for the Person-Most-Changed, however you intended it. I'm gonna treasure it because... #1.... I love trophies... and #2... I earned it. Thank you.
[Julia works the cash register at the Burger Guy.]
Anyone can see I don't belong here. I'm just doing the best I can.(calls back the order)
2 Bigs
1 Chick, hold the mayo
2 Large Fry
1 Ring
Pie, Pie
Cookie, 2 Orange and a Java
And one steak; burn it.
What have you got in that envelope?
Charlene's jewelry. Julia just gave it to me. Did you see this dinky little diamond chip[bracelet] he gave her?
Suzanne, they're saving for a house.
Well, I don't care. In a few minutes she's gonna be lying in that delivery room like a big ole zeppelin tied to stirrups, and he gives her a chip... can you believe it?(shortly later on the phone with Bill) Listen, Colonel? Next time you go buying jewelry we gotta talk. I mean, this little diamond chip business isn't gonna get it. That's something you give a six-year-old when she joins the church.
[Suzanne, Mary Jo and Anthony are in the hospital waiting room, where Anthony's Tina Turner-looking date Vanessa is dancing with headphones on.]
Hey, Anthony, congratulations on your date. She's very classy, very sort of Radcliffey.
I know she isn't exactly what I had in mind, but she does have her good points.
She's a good dancer.
Uh-huh, that's right. Anyway, I was probably just gonna take her on home, but now the streets are so bad I don't think we can make it.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, she strikes me as the kind of girl who's equally at ease at home, or in a social setting.
[The roads are snowed over, so Bernice calls an ambulance to take her to the hospital when she hears that Charlene is in labor.]
ADAmbulance Driver
Did you know that it's a criminal offense to solicit an emergency vehicle under false pretenses?
Do you know that if the Avon lady falls down on your property you have to pay for it?
[It's now Suzanne's turn to dream, and she is dreaming that she, Charlene, Julia, Mary Jo, and Anthony are all infants in the hospital nursery in a giant crib or playpen....]
BMBaby Mary Jo
Whaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
BCBaby Charlene
Don't cry, Mary Jo. What's wrong?
BSBaby Suzanne
Nothing's wrong. She's just jealous because I was the first baby born after midnite — January One, 1990.
BMBaby Mary Jo
I'm not jealous, I'm hungry!! I only weighed in at five pounds.sucks her thumb
BSBaby Suzanne
Yeah, like that's a problem. You know you're little and tiny and cute. Of course you're not as cute as some people. Hey where's that mirror-mobile? I like that thing.
BJBaby Julia
Suzanne, suck your pacifier.
BSBaby Suzanne
Ohh!! A little fussy today aren't we? Well, you're all just jealous because I won the new car. I was the first baby. I won, I won, I won!
BJBaby Julia
Suzanne, I am not fussy today. I just don't particularly care for the head nurse. She is so superior! I'm especially tired of her coming in here every five minutes with that thermometer. I'd like to tell her where to stick it.....but apparently she already knows.
BCBaby Charlene
Well I think this whole place is great. It's twenty-four hour room service, and look! [She holds up her hospital ID bracelet.] Free jewelry!
BSBaby Suzanne
Are you serious?
BCBaby Charlene
Yeah, I think it's pretty.
BSBaby Suzanne
Well, I'm glad you're developing a taste for cheap bracelets. You're gonna need that later on in life. And by the way, would someone kindly tell me what is he doing here?
BABaby Anthony
Excuse me, but to whom are you referring?
BSBaby Suzanne
Oh, well like I'm the only one here who noticed! Hasn't anyone else asked themselves what is wrong with this picture?
BMBaby Mary Jo
He's different!
BCBaby Charlene
Oh, I know. I especially noticed during the diaper change. He's definitely different.
BABaby Anthony
That's right, very very different. And I'll tell you something else. For some reason, I do not particularly appreciate being put behind these bars. Whaaaaahhhh!! I don't want to be incarcerated anymore! Let me out! I'm busting out of here now!!
BSBaby Suzanne
Oh keep your diapers on!! You wouldn't even make it to the hallway.
BABaby Anthony
Well maybe not on my own... but I'm gonna be driving that little car right there.
BSBaby Suzanne
Whaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!
BABaby Anthony
I was just gonna borrow it. I'll bring it back.
BSBaby Suzanne
You can't take that!! It's my car, I won it. I'm the New Years baby!
BBBaby Bernice
Not anymore!! Not anymore!!
BSBaby Suzanne
That's my car!! That's my car!!!
[The scene switches back to the waiting room with Suzanne wailing like a baby in her sleep...]
That's my car!!! Whaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! Slowly she wakes up, with everyone staring at her. What's going on? What's happening?
First you fell asleep. Then you made a fool of yourself.
What the heck is that stuff?
It's rice cakes. I started my diet last night.
You put jelly on them?
Yes. Do you have a problem with that?
You've been on a diet for 12 hours and already you're this cranky?
Yes. As a matter of fact, after work I'll probably be crashing my car into a Taco Bell. What's it to you?
Nothing. I just hate it when you're on a diet.
Yeah, that's because you're little and tiny and cute. You never have to eat stuff like rice cakes. I oughta just cram this down your throat.
I know the name of every man in this city who has money. I know the names of the men who are thinking about having money. As a matter of fact, I even know the names of little boys who are good at playing Monopoly. So don't be telling me about the men who have money in Atlanta, okay?
Oh, Charlene, that reminds me. I saw two things on TV I gotta tell you about. Now first one is, there was a segment on the news about that league of breast feeding people you like so much, you know, La Leaky.
Suzanne, it's La Leche.
Oh, well. Whatever.
[The ladies debate whether or not to take a job decorating for their client's mistress.]
I just hate men who think they can have their cake and eat it too. As a matter of fact, I just hate anyone who eats cake.
. . . Julia are you kiddin'? If Reese Watson even thought of having a mistress, the very least you would do is blow up his car and burn his apartment to the ground.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.