Odo quotes from Deep Space Nine

I'm not in your way, am I?

Odo

No. No, not at all. I, uh... I usually read for an hour or two.

What are you reading?

Odo

It's a detective novel.

Oh. Have you figured out who did it yet?

Odo

By the third page.

Quark

None of these charges are gonna stick! I haven't broken any laws! [beat] I have a license to run holosuites.

Odo

But you don't have a license to sell weapons, do you?

Quark

[pause] I defy you to prove that I've brought a single weapon onto this station.

Odo

It's a mere technicality; we both know what you're doing. And I promise you, you're going to face the consequences.

Sisko

Not today, he isn't! [pause] Let him go.

Odo

[incredulous] Let him go?!

Sisko

Major, tell the constable what you told me.

Kira

The Bajoran government insists that Deep Space 9 not interfere with the lawful transactions of Hagath and his associates. Hagath supplied arms to the resistance—without him or people like him, we would all be dead, and the Cardassians would still be in power. [beat] We owe him.

Odo

[exasperated] Captain!

Sisko

I don't like it any more than you do.

Quark

[smug] Better luck next time. [a furious Sisko spins Quark's chair around to face him]

Sisko

[angrily] You'd better hope there isn't a "next time," mister! I have cut you a lot of slack in the past—I even looked the other way once or twice when I could have come down hard on you—but those days are over! Now, we may not be able to get you for selling weapons, but you so much as litter on the Promenade, and I will nail you to the wall!!

Quark

Did you catch him?

Odo

We caught him. Or rather, Major Kira caught him.

Kira

I didn't really do anything. I was in the Bajoran shrine, meditating, and he burst in, stark naked, fell to his knees, crying out to the Prophets for protection!

Bashir

Morn, of all people. Who would've thought he'd just snap like that?

Odo

Certainly not me. Which leads me to wonder, what could have pushed him over the edge? [looks pointedly at Quark]

Quark

Why are you looking at me? I'm the victim here! [Odo scoffs] He hit me with a bar stool!

Kira

Why did he hit you?

Quark

I don't have the faintest idea.

Kira

Think harder.

Odo

Witnesses say you were talking to him right up until the moment he went berserk.

Quark

Of course I was talking to him. That's what bartenders are supposed to do—talk to their customers.

Kira

What exactly was it that you were talking to him about?

Quark

All I said was that the military personnel on this station were starting to look a little nervous. When they get nervous, I get nervous.

Odo

And that's all you said?

Quark

Basically. [beat] I might've done some harmless theorizing.

Bashir

About what?

Quark

Oh, something like it was only a matter of time until the Dominion launched a full-scale assault on the Federation, and when that happened, this station would undoubtedly be their first target. [long pause] And I might've idly suggested that there wasn't a chance in hell of any of us getting out of here alive.

Odo

And that's when Morn hit you with a bar stool and ran onto the Promenade screaming, "We're all doomed"?

Quark

...Some people just don't react well to stress.

Odo

You'd shoot a man in the back?

Well, it's the safest way, isn't it?

Odo

[calling out] Kira!

Kira Nerys

I have nothing to say to you!

Odo

Major, I know you're angry...

Kira Nerys

Oh, you bet I'm angry. Do you have any idea what's going on?

Odo

Yes... well, sort of. I've been... occupied.

Kira Nerys

Dukat is bringing down the mine field, the Federation fleet is about to be overrun by Dominion reinforcements, and Weyoun has ordered Rom's execution and you have been occupied?

Odo

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Kira Nerys

Sorry? That's all you have to say? Well, let me tell you something. We are way, way past sorry.

Weyoun

Odo?

Odo

[sarcastically] Yes, I know. I 'honour you with my presence'.

Quark

It's mine, all mine! [he holds up two bricks to Odo] What you are about to hear is the most beautiful sound in the galaxy! [He knocks the two bricks together, but instead of making a clinking sound, they crumble. To Quark's horror, when he checks other bricks, the same thing happens] No, that, that can't be! There's no latinum in these bricks!

Odo

What?

Quark

Someone's extracted all the latinum! There's nothing here but worthless gold!

Odo

[unable to hide his amusement] And it's all yours. [he chuckles and walks away, while Quark frantically checks the bricks for any sign of latinum]

Quark

No! Noooo! NOOOOO!

It's just a photo.

I'll try to remember that.

Odo

Are you sure that you two returned to your original height?

Miles O'Brien

Why do you ask?

Odo

It's just that you both seem to be a couple of centimeters shorter. A Changeling notices these sort of things.

Quark

Actually now that I think about it, you both do seem a little on the petite side.

Julian Bashir

Infirmary.

Quark

[to Odo] And they say you don't have a sense of humor.

Kira Nerys

I thought we could have dinner.

Odo

And then what?

Kira Nerys

I don't know; maybe we could go dancing!

Odo

And then I suppose you'll want me to kiss you!

Kira Nerys

It's possible!

Odo

Well, then, who needs dinner? Why don't I just kiss you now and get it over with?!

Kira Nerys

Well, why don't you?!

Kira Nerys

You're right—who needs dinner?

Odo

You know, Nerys, observing humanoid relationships and being in one... are very different things.

Kira Nerys

Like night and day.

Odo

Nerys. I realize that things may seem bleak at the moment. But there's always hope.

Kira Nerys

When did you turn into an optimist?

Odo

Must have been that day in front of Quark's when we kissed for the first time.

Kira

That was some kiss, wasn't it?

Odo

Changed my life.

Kira Nerys

Kiss Me, Deadly. Interesting title.

Odo

Hmm. The book isn't bad, either. I think you'll enjoy it.

Kira

I'm sure I will, but is this really the right time to start reading a book?

Odo

Well, maybe not. But I know how much you hate all this waiting, and Mike Hammer has certain qualities I think you'll appreciate,

Kira

Such as?

Odo

He's as tough as they come, and he hates waiting almost as much as you do.

Kira

Oh, I like him already.

Worf

WHAT?! What are you talking about?! That ball was at least half a metre out! How could you call it a strike?! REVERSE THE CALL! REVERSE THE CALL!

Benjamin Sisko

[rushes over] Are you blind?! That was low and outside!

Worf

The ball was clearly outside!

Benjamin Sisko

What the hell were you looking at?! You can't tell me that ball was over the plate! What were you doing—REGENERATING?!

Odo

[calmly] Caught the outside corner.

Worf

THE OUTSIDE CORNER?! THE CORNER OF THE DUGOUT, PERHAPS! MAYBE THE CORNER OF THE STADIUM! BUT NOT THE CORNER OF THE PLATE!

Benjamin Sisko

THE CORNER, MY FOOT! THAT WAS A BALL, AND YOU KNOW IT! WE SHOULD HAVE TWO MEN ON! TWO MEN ON! TWO MEN ON!

Odo

Gentlemen, you are trying my patience.

Benjamin Sisko

You stole the run from us! You stole it, just as if you reached up and tore it off the score board!

Benjamin Sisko

You stole it from us!

Odo

You. YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!

Benjamin Sisko

What?!

Odo

“No player shall at anytime make contact with the umpire in any manner. The prescribed penalty for the violation is immediate ejection from the game.” Rule number 4.06, subsection A, paragraph four. Look it up, but do it in the stands. YOU'RE GONE!

Benjamin Sisko

[Muttering to himself] It was a ball. It was no strike. I know it was a ball.

Julian Bashir

Chief?

Miles O'Brien

What?

Julian Bashir

I think that means you're in charge now.

Miles O'Brien

You're right. [To the team] What are you standing around for? You never seen a man thrown out of a game?

Odo

Has it ever occurred to you that the reason you believe the Founders are gods is because that's what they want you to believe? That they built it into your genetic code?

Weyoun

Of course they did; that's what gods do. After all, why be a god if there's no one to worship you?