Patrick quotes from Dead Set

Patrick

37 minutes to go, minions! [pause] Do you know what a minion is? Don't look offended then.

Patrick

[Watching news report on 'rioting'] Why do people riot anyway? It's not the eighties! They should stay in and watch telly.

Patrick

Joplin has literally worn that shirt the whole fucking time. Imagine what that smells like.

Patrick

[Watching Pippa on the monitor] I cannot imagine living next-door to people like that.

Patrick

[with a mobile phone] How do you turn this thing on? Fucking robot bollocks.

Patrick

[To Pippa] Glad you applied?

Patrick

[over the 'Voice of God' PA system] Whose house d'you think you're standing in, you speck of shit?

Patrick

You should come and help me with this, it's not as bad as it looks. Buncha cowards; I'll do it, I'll fuckin' do it. Lovely, look at that. What's the fuckin' matter with ya? Bloody backwards fucking livestock. Think you've still got a fucking audience? What you gonna do? Fucking sit here, breathing in each others fucking bum-clouds until the sky falls in? Pardon me but I'm a fucking bit more fucking ambitious, thank you very much. If you had to fucking work for a living, instead of trying to do a fucking quick-fix, ay? "Look at me! Look how famous I am! I've been a twat on telly for two months" Maybe you'd know what that means. But no, you want it now. You want it right fucking now. Well come and get it!

Patrick

Are you on a personal mission to redefine ineptitude?

Patrick

What are you for?

It's, um, Sophie.

Patrick

[into phone] Tell me you are round the corner.

Sorry Patrick, we've had a 'mare; all the main roads were chocka. Carl's trying to work some back-road magic now so...

Patrick

[Interrupting] You were supposed to be here [looks at watch] fuckin' three hours ago.

Pippa

I think we should stay here till the police come.

Patrick

Yeah? maybe you should compile a book of your fucking theories!

Pippa

I wish you'd stop huffing, you'll use up all the air.

Patrick

It's not a submarine, you specimen. Do you understand how air works?

Pippa

You've just wasted more air!

Patrick

Do you even understand what is going on here or is the whole world just colours and shapes and the occasional noise in your head?!

Patrick

Oh, stay out of it.

Pippa

That's our light machine!

Patrick

It's not a machine, it's a lamp.

Pippa

Well, it lights up the room.

Patrick

Well... (turns off lamp) it's dead now!

Pippa

(disgusted) It's bad for the environment, wasting light.

Patrick

I'm not wasting it, I'm turning it into something else.

Pippa

What, like, recycling?

Patrick

(exasperated) ...if you like.

Patrick

Listen to me. Stand there, you put your hand on the handle... put your hand on the fucking handle!

Pippa

(traumatised, near tears) I don't like it...

Patrick

Shut up and listen. You're gonna open that door, and you are gonna slam it, fucking SLAM IT on her, when she is halfway in. Do you understand what halfway is? Do you understand? Say "yes, I understand"!

Pippa

(still traumatised) Yes!

Pippa

(crying, quiet and high voice) I don't like it...

Patrick

It's either this, or we take it in turns shitting in the bin until we starve to death. Does that appeal? (Pippa shakes head) No? Then are you ready? (shouting) DO NOT FUCK THIS UP, alright?

Pippa

My God, you've killed Davina!

Patrick

I hired her, I can do what I like.