Sheldon Hawkes quotes from CSI: NY

Dr. Sheldon Hawkes

Did you know rumor has it that Jennifer Lopez's ass is insured for one billion dollars?

Det. Mac Taylor

Excuse me?

Dr. Sheldon Hawkes

Five hundred million per cheek. They're her trade instruments, like a soccer player's legs or a model's face...

Det. Mac Taylor

Or a surgeon's hands.

Stella

Do you have a cause of death?

Nope, but I can tell you it wasn't alcohol poisoning, your debutante's BAC was zero.

Hawkes

Debutante?

I didn't find any lines on her fingers to indicate she was wearing engagement or wedding rings, plus age, the dress, time of year, equals debutante season.

Stella

Don't tell me. You were an escort?

I attended a debutante ball. [pause] I was waiting tables.

How do you leave a kid alone?

Hawkes

Mom had to work.

Kids don't even need to look for trouble to find it.

Danny Messer

This guy's foul. Smells worse than dead.

Hawkes

Fish.

Dr. Sheldon Hawkes

You know I've never been fishing, never even thought about trying. Seems kind of boring.

Detective Danny Messer

Until you hook something. I went fishing with my old man once on a pier near Battery Park. I caught the sweetest striped bass, must have weighed close to thirty pounds.

Dr. Sheldon Hawkes

Did you eat it?

Detective Danny Messer

Threw it back! Would you eat anything that came out of the Hudson?

Dr. Sheldon Hawkes

Good point.

Hawkes

I'd say a homeless guy probably living where we found him, in the park.

Stella

Park Avenue, maybe. I've got a really nice pair of pants, a tailor-made shirt, fancy watch, traces of paint and lipstick on the shirt, I'd say he's a very wealthy guy.

Hawkes

Well, he must have found the clothes. The shoes never lie.

Stella

Yeah well, this little watch here is worth four or five grand, quite a find for a homeless guy.

Hawkes

Yeah.

Stella

Let me check missing persons. Someone notices when a guy with money doesn't come home.

Hawkes

The way I see it, homeless people are missing people.

Sid Hammerback

Samples of both have gone to the lab, same with his personal effects.

Sheldon Hawkes

Watch?

Sid Hammerback

No, I kept that. [Hawkes looks at him] What? It was a nice watch.

Lindsay Monroe

[walks in to see some of team watching a porn-esque home movie] Footage from your 30th birthday, Messer?

Danny Messer

Walrus documentary, actually.

Sheldon Hawkes

It's Tara Stansfield, our vic from the park.

Lindsay Monroe

Who's the other walrus?

Hawkes

…Put time of death at least 8 hours ago.

Danny

Actually… [looks at his watch] 10 hours and 13 minutes.

Hawkes

It's impossible to be that exact on ToD.

Danny

You think so, Einstein?

Hawkes

Danny, I'm a certified pathologist. I know so.

Danny

Her coat is damp, I got caught in the rain last night. 20-minute torrential downpour: 8:45. Only the makeup on the right side of her face is streaked which means she was lying dead here when the rain began.

Hawkes

Showoff.

Hawkes

Not a very creative body-dump.

Danny

Does the job, right?

Dr. Sheldon Hawkes

Apparently, he was some sort of...

Detective Danny Messer

Writer.

Dr. Sheldon Hawkes

Yeah.

Detective Danny Messer

[indicating photographs of the body taken under an ALS light] It was everywhere.

Hawkes

Tattoo on the inner thigh, means eyes only, means our vic had a lover.

Lovers' spat? Things got a little heated?

Hawkes

Literally.

Stella

As C-Exchange demands that all its brokers get printed when they get their Series 7 license....

Hawkes

What it didn't say was whether you take chloroform with your coffee.

Danny

[bringing in some of the exotic cuisine] Who's going first?

Stella

You gotta be kidding.

Pass!

Hawkes

Uh-uh.

Lindsay

It's just protein. [takes a bite of fried tarantula and everyone looks on]

Mac

[smiling and holding out hand to Danny] Told you she'd do it.

Danny

[handing five dollars to Mac] All right, all right, here you go.

Mac

Okay! Pizza in my office. [Everyone but Lindsay and Danny leaves]

Lindsay

You bet Mac I wouldn't do it?

Danny

Yeah, what was I thinking? Never bet against a country girl.

Lindsay

[eating more] You know, actually it's not that bad.

Danny

Exotic cuisine. I'm talking about this thing that's going on at the Grand View Region this week. Black-tie affair and with the super-rich get together and they eat crazy stuff. I saw an ad for it yesterday.

Hawkes

Well that would explain the bow-tie, fancy-dress by the bed.

Danny

What do you think? You hungry?

Hawkes

Let's go.