Mouch quotes from Chicago Fire

Dawson, don't. It is a gateway to hell, I'm telling you. Besides, it's not even rightfully ours.

Mouch

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Shut it, Mouch.

Guys, guys, I have an announcement to make. Please, I need everybody's attention. Today, I came across something so upsetting that it literally shook me to the core. I was in the laundry room. I was pulling my stuff from the washer to the dryer, and I discovered these left inside. [holds up a pair of red underwear]

Don't look at me. I've been a Fruit of the Loom man since 1975.

Mouch

Twenty bucks to whoever finds the owner.

[takes the underwear from Cruz] Hey, first, they ain't mine. Second, these don't come down until the owner steps forward. I can't unsee this. Someone has to pay.

Otis

He who smelt it hath dealt it.

[looks pointedly at Otis] You're nuts. Those look like something that a Russian would wear on his wedding night.

Otis

They're not mine. But, I will put my money on Capp.

Mouch

[sarcastically] Keep deflecting, Otis. It's a good strategy.

Mouch

Gotta go White Sox.

No. I don't want to alienate half the neighborhood who are Cubs fans. We gotta go with teams that we can all agree on: the Bears, the Bulls and the Blackhawks.

Mouch

And the Fire.

The who?

Mouch

Soccer team. Chicago Fire.

Mouch

Do I have narrow eyes?

[stares at Mouch and chuckles] What is it do you want to hear?

[seething at his computer] This "Wizard" program is the most...convoluted––

Mouch

Yeah, we should record this. Use it to show how ineffective McLeod's systems are. This crazy budget type who has nothing to do with saving lives.

[grins at Mouch] Now you're talkin' like a union president!

[looks at Herrmann] You will not record this.

Otis

Was just talking to Shay and she told me the good news.

Severide

Good news?

Otis

Your new apartment. Sounds tight.

Severide

Oh yeah, thanks.

Otis

No problem. She did say it was a three-bedroom and you guys might be looking for a third roommate to, uh, defray the costs.

Severide

She said that?

[he and Mouch rush over to Otis and Severide] Hey! Yo, Otis! We agreed we were gonna come to him together.

Otis

Why do you even need a new place, Cruz? Your apartment isn't bad.

You spend a night in my neighborhood lulled to sleep by gunfire.

Otis

You try living two doors down from my mother.

Mouch

Severide, this is exactly the kind of drama you won't have to deal with if you choose a mellow mature roommate.

Severide

Guys, it's just an apartment. You haven't even seen the place.

Otis

I can come by right after shift.

Mouch

Me too.

Severide

Listen, this isn't cheerleader tryouts. You guys need to work this out amongst yourselves. [sees Boden] Chief! You got a minute? [quickly walks away]

Mouch

Why are you two so eager to move in with Shay and Severide anyway?

The "residual" tale, Mouch.

Mouch

The what now?

Otis

Ok, between Severide and Shay, think about how many beautiful women are gonna be parading through the apartment.

Imagine it. Severide is at the bar chatting up some babe, she's got a friend. Friend doesn't have to stop there. He'll say, oh let's take this back to my place where we can hang out with my awesome roommate Joe.

Otis

Brian.

Mouch

Pathetic.

[shaking Mouch's hand] Nice. Firm grip. Nobody ever won an election with clammy hands.

Mouch

The secret is, I wiped my palm on my pants.

Mouch

Greg Sullivan can kiss my able-bodied ass.

Hold up, this can't be right. Herrmann has 1% less body fat than me?

Why are you so mystified? 'Cause I got a couple years on you?

[scoffs jokingly] A couple?

You know what? [takes off his shirt] Suck on this!

Otis

Uh, Mr. Sullivan, um, if you could be any kind of animal, any kind at all, what would you be?

Well, I know what I wouldn't want to be. I wouldn't want to be a Mouch.

Otis

I'm...I'm sorry?

Oh, a Mouch. You know, half man, half couch. It's Mr. McHolland's nickname at this firehouse, am I right?

Mouch

I don't see how that's remotely––

I mean, you must admit that nickname does not inspire leadership. In fact, it implies the opposite laziness, slovenliness.

Otis

Do you care to respond to that, Mouch? Uh, Mr. McHolland?

Mouch

I don't feel the need to dignify Mr. Sullivan's remarks except to say that the nickname that he's referring to is a term of endearment given to me by my coworkers out of friendship and respect.

Well, I guess that's to be expected from Firehouse 51.

Mouch

[after being put through drills by Casey] What the hell is goin' on?

[smirks] Ahh, looks like Casey's got some serious steam to blow off.

Mouch

Extreme physical exertion, food deprivation. Are we in some kind of CIA training program I'm unaware of?

Mouch

A firefighter brother recently asked me, what makes a good squad guy. He said, "Hey, Randy McHolland, what makes––"

Severide

[interrupts Mouch] Hold up, hold up. Mouch, why do you keep referring to yourself in the third person?

Mouch

Ok, look, I'm trying to subtly reinforce my real name so you guys start calling me that. 'Cause now that I'm interim president, I don't think a nickname that means "half man and half couch" is appropriate anymore.

Severide

Then why don't you just say, hey guys quit calling me Mouch.

Mouch

You're right. I should've.

[walks into lounge] Oh my god. What is that smell?

Mouch

[deadpan] Impending gastric distress.

[sarcastically] Haha, very funny.

[raises eyebrows] Cruz is cooking??? Since when?

Since Mills jumped to squad and we haven't got a replacement candidate. We all drew straws.

Otis

We all lost.

Hey! This is authentic Dominican cuisine, all right? Just because you can't appreciate the aroma doesn't mean that the taste isn't gonna blow your hair back, huh? You just gotta broaden your horizons a little.

Yeah, broaden them all the way to Manny's for a Reuben sandwich.

I'm sure that this chick is awesome and all, but having a woman around is really gonna change things.

Oh, gee, thanks.

You know what I mean. Having a woman in the truck, you don't know what goes on in there, the jokes we crack.

Otis

The smells we produce.

I can imagine.

Mouch

Nope. No, you can't.

Just to show you I can be one of the guys, I brought donuts this morning.

Mouch

Fantastic! [opens the box to find all the donuts gone]

They were delicious.

Mouch

So there are no donuts?