Bottom Season 1 quotes

Where did you get them from?

I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse!

What was that thing he used to say?

Get off, Get off I'm not a sexual animal?

No, not that one the other thing?

Oi Richie get me another drink you overweight twat!

That's the one.

Is Dave attacking that Seagull?

Either that or he's shagging it.

No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.

Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!

Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?

Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.

Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember?

Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.

Where's the bar?

There's no bar!

WHAT!? No bar!? What the fuck happened there!? Wh...Wh-what the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there!? What! The! Fuck! Happened there!? What the fuck fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking happened there!? Fuck!!

Language!

English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!

Now...what other options have we got left? Let's just try and explore our parameters.

You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit, there's no corners to hide in!

Eddie! Just a little bit. Just a little touchy touchy, it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch... fucking homo! Okay look, look look look look, forget that...why don't we just try and get out through the holes we came in by?

I don't think my mother would be too pleased.

Do you know I went to Yoga? I did! If I'd got up to level twenty I might have been able to fuck myself. As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out. What I thought was a rather funky goatee beard turned out to be my pubic hair. I couldn't see it anyway though because I had two bollocks hanging in front of my eyes. I was in surgery three days, three whole days before the surgeons stopped giggling.

Before you go say something nice.

Breasts!

No.

Lager!

No, something else.

I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and lager are the only nice things I know.

Come on Eddie, think of the money!

Money?! Are... Are you getting paid?

No. No, no, no, I don't get paid. It's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?

I knew I should have fixed those brakes.

What did you say?

I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.

That's the one. He's getting far too old to play me with any conviction.

Who's that awful actor who plays you?

Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that ginger haired cunt is it?

Who? Chris Evans?

Yeah.

No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.

So let me get this right, so we aren't in some dark, godless void on the outer edges of human misery?

No no, we're in Nottingham.

It's the same thing!

It's not our fault we've got such shitty actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.

I thought you did.

It was one of my great improvisations.

I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.

Yeah, it's not as bad, (corpsing) not as bad as... Oh, fuck!

It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?

What were you doing during the interval?

Go on, slidle over to the front and... sidle (laughs) slidle over to the front...

You want me slidle over to the front?

I often write while I'm on stage. It's a great new word I've invented "slidle".

[Thinking Eddies has a woman hidden in the bathroom]: Ah...ah...ah ha. Have you got a woman in here? A woman in here?! That's against house rules. we agreed, you're not allowed any women in here unless you get one for me at the same time, so we can really "do" it. Like in my favorite video: "Noddy goes Lap-Dancing".

Is it me?...

Is it me?...

Yes, it is (Audience applauds)

Bad Eddie... (Pauses and starts again) Is it me-OR...