Eddie (Reading): 'Ten seconds have passed since I fatefully partook in the Elixir of Life. Feeling groggy... oh, all seems to fade. Darkness comes... and anal leakage...'
Richie (Laughing): I don't remember him being that ill last night!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Richie (being asked questions for a pointless questionnaire): Action!
Weight!
Richie (enraged): Weight?! What are you implying? I live on Sweetex! I'm still wearing the same pair of trousers I was when I was 17!
Only because you've sewn the living room curtains into the waistband.
I could still pass for 17!
Stones! Now wait!
No. I refuse to answer! This is an outrage!
No! Wait there, while I get another pen! This one's fucked!
Well, I didn't do it! Do I look like a biro molester?!
Richie, have you seen my felt tip?
Richie (frantically): No, Eddie, no, I've never seen your felt tip. No, I've only seen you naked once. I fell straight into a coma and had to go to therapy for six years. Every time I think of you naked, I've had to close my eyes when I walk past a butcher's window. I shall never eat tripe again!
And... weight.
Richie (sighs): Put 'trim, alluring, snake-hipped...' Just describe me as you see me!
Alright, 'fat'.
You can't put that!
You're right. 'Very fat'.
Richie (trying to sway Eddie): Come on, Eddie... we've known each other for years!
Ohhhhhhhh, allllllllllllright. 'Very fat twat'.
Richie (annoyed): Let's just move on, shall we?
Alright, question 2: why won't you tell me how fat you are?
It doesn't say that!
Eddie (shows him the questionnaire): It does actually, look.
Oh, so it does. Ok, next question!
Why does everyone think you're a cunt?
(Richie buries his face in his hands)
They have... really hammered the nail on the head there! Why does everybody think I'm a cunt? It's a question that's always intrigued me! I'll have to speak to my people and get back to you on that! Ahem! (Realises) Eddie, why do you think I'm a cunt?
Richie [after hurting his hand hitting Eddie's testicles]: You bastard! That's my wanking hand!
Uh-uh; wanking finger.
Uh, uh uh; wanking fingernail.
That's the last time I snog a girl from Southend. I've got a cold, herpes, and I've lost my fucking wallet. Here's a question: do all birds from Southend have beards?
Bloody hell! We are shooting back in time, faster than Posh Spice slaps on the fake tan!
Bloody hell!
BBoth
That's fast!
Just think, Eddie: if we go even further back in time, we could do some really old material! Just think: I might get erections again!
Richie (as Rick from The Young Ones): Oh, really great and bwrilliant, Vyvyan! (Throws up a peace sign) Thatcher! Thatcher!
[Eddie clears his throat and pretends to do his hair in Vyvyan's style].
Eddie (as Vyvyan): Have you got a video? Virgin! Virgin! You complete and utter bastard, Neil! (Gives a two fingered salute.)
... You er... you haven't changed your material very much really, have you, Eddie?
(Laughing) Stick with what works, that's my motto.
Eddie.... Eddie, come here! Come. Bloody. Here. (Eddie slowly walks towards Richie) I am going to swear at you! Don't be so sexy! DON'T! I'm going to swear at you, i'm jolly angry! Eddie, you.... BERK! You... FLIPPING NUISANCE! You stupid... effing... BUGGER! You bloody.... BUGGERING BASTARD BREAST-FACED BOLLOCK! YOU ARSEING... KNOBHEAD.... TIT-FACED.... FUCKING..... TWAT!
Oh, fuck the monologue! I'll go for a nasty!
Are you insane?!
No... I'm in fucking agony!
[Richie speaks into a Victorian speaking tube.]
Pheeb! One boiled egg!
[Nobody answers.]
Pheeb. Hello?
[Elongated silence.]
Pheeeeeb. Hello?
Yes, hello. One boiled egg!
Pheeeeeb. Hello?
Yes, hello!
Pheeeeeb. Who is it?
Pheeb. It's Mr. Thwaite!
Pheeeeeb. He isn't here, can I leave a message?
[Richie pops into the doorway revealing they're speaking through a paper-thin wall.]
Look, it's me! Eddie, it's me! Stop embarrassing me and just take the order!
[Richie punches Eddie in the face.]
And as we always say at the Guest House Paradiso: Have fun, don't go in the water if you know what's good for you, and try not to get shit on the sheets.
Richie Will you stop making those owl noises?!
Eddie Sorry.
Richie Right. Now follow me.
Eddie Rich? Rich? What's happened to you?
Richie Candle in the eye.
Eddie Pardon?
Richie Candle in the eyeeee!
Eddie Right-o!
GCGina Carbonara
Gino, what are you doing? That was my mother's dress! And my grandmother's dress before that!
GBGino Bolognese
Dammit, that's ok! Bring them all! I'll fuck them too! I am one fucky guy!
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